i tried to take my life at 27
i was reborn at 28
i'm still me.
but i am also, completely changed.
i've changed. i've been given the power to do so.
i'm free. i've been set free.
and no matter how much, each step i walk away hurts
i will never go back to who i have left behind.
where i lay peacefully and sleep,
she would obsess and cry and lie awake always wondering why
when i am quiet,
she would ramble and vent and go on and on and
on
and i am content
but she was ravenous and pained
we are both wild
we are both happy
we are both sad
we sit together in my car, as we relisten to favourite songs since childhood and understand them so clearly now
we both exist.
but she is much, much further away
like she is out in the water waving to me and i am standing on the shore
her voice is too faint to hear
her tears are too far to see
and who i am now, she always existed to, but she used to be much, much
weaker
and now it's hard to imagine her as anything less than
indistructible
like a tiny diamond
strong and sure
and sparkling, never to be hidden away again
yes, i tried to take my life at 27
not to join a club.
and you may think that i was foolish and i would have to agree with you
but if i had never tried
i would never know
who i really have been all this time
and i'm proud of her, the girl i've been
she is not perfect
or tidy
or a wallflower
but she is gentle
and chaotic
maybe a little special? (but i think everyone is special...)
and i'm glad i appreciate her a bit more now, i'm going to take better care of her wild heart and try to never forget,
that if i had taken my life at 27
or seventeen
or seven,
i would never know this feeling. this feeling of being truly alive, the way i always pretended i was
yes i tried to take my life at 27
i was reborn at 28
my veil is gone, and nothings the same
and for the first time,
that's okay.
Ilyena
