We All Need Time To Heal

A/N: i merged june of 2022 (after miles finishes his UK tour) and 2023 (day before AM's three London shows). this was heavily inspired by an interview in which miles talks about how after releasing CTS he felt dissatified and depressed ( https://www.heavenmagazine.nl/actueel/miles-kane-one-man-band?fbclid=PAAaZo26KgK8j-8b2AEnJugcN6JxLCuccveYdcBrKi_Dfi1j-pHDfQjICDyso ), others where he talks about doubting himself and his music, and wanting to prove something to himself, and various lyrics from am and miles. 

Miles was lying on his bedroom floor, doing nothing in particular. Some soul album was placed on his record player which stopped playing hours ago, his TV was on, muted, and two guitars – one electric, one acoustic – lay discarded on the floor and against his couch, accompanied by a notebook and a pen and quite a few crumpled up pieces of paper. Unwashed dishes filled up his sink, an empty pizza-box was lying, opened, on his kitchen table, next to half-empty cups and mugs – they've been there for a day or two.

A mediocre cup of tea was sitting next to him on the floor, unfinished, cold – he's made it too watery and too sweet. He was wearing a white vest and grey trackies, his feet bare, his glasses sliding off his nose. He hasn't shaved in more days than he'd like to admit and his hair was longer than he liked it to be. He also hasn't left the house in a few days, something that might be normal for others, but not for him. He knew that his fridge was empty, that his bottle of shaving cream was on its last legs, that his razor was too dull to be used, that he was running low on salt and toilet paper – but right now, he couldn't be bothered about things like these.

It is very unusual for Miles Kane to get like this - in fact, he only ever let things get this bad after a particularly bad breakup a few years ago. He was ashamed of himself, of the state his house was in, of the state he was in. And yet he couldn't, not for the life of him, get up and do something useful. He felt like a child, sulking after his mum didn't let him eat a whole bag of Haribos before dinner, or after he got told that 'no, Miles, you have enough Italian kits, you don't need any more'. He chuckled dryly at the memory.

He felt disheartened, he felt like people should laugh at him and the state he's in, like he deserved to be ridiculed. He felt like a teenager who just got his heart broken for the very first time – the kind of unexpected pain that convinces you that there's no way out, the world is ending and it won't ever, ever get better. If rational, clearheaded Miles was in the room, he'd tell himself 'Don't be daft, it's not that serious, you'll get back on your feet again' or 'It's just a bad few months, it's not going to last forever' – but the usual Miles was replaced with the Miles that he himself hated: the one that lost all confidence, the one that thought that he's not good at what he does at all, the one that lost all his courage and desire to follow his dreams.

His newest album, Change The Show has been out for a few months. The reviews and ratings were good, the sales were fine, he's done a good couple of gigs in Europe and in the UK. These were all good things, and Miles was happy while they lasted, he was itching to go back on tour and take the stage again. But something felt off, the whole time. He liked his album and was very proud of it. It was different from anything he'd ever done, but he felt like he did a good job, the songs were strong and the lyrics even better. He liked the suits he was wearing during the gigs and he liked doing the promo for his album (despite the interviews being slightly unbearable, but he was used to that).

He tried to tell himself that he was imagining things, that it was the rainy, grey weather of England that was messing with his head, or maybe it was all the oily junk food that he's been eating. But when his tour was coming to an end, he quickly realised that he was left dissatisfied. He wanted more shows, more gigs, more festivals, more demand for him – all this, maybe subconsciously, maybe not - but he's finally come to realise that these emotions have been bubbling up ever since the release of the album. He tried to push these thoughts away, he didn't want to feel ungrateful, self-indulgent, insatiable – he wasn't any of that.