Electric love

Cora

this river is as blue as his eyes and once again I am going to drown in it. They say I am overreacting but how is it my fault, that I feel too much. I am writing this last note on my phone because at least Jane needs to know why I ended it, she deserves to know. Jane is the only person who understands me, she is my whole world. If you wondering who is Jane? Jane is my best friend, and she is all I ask for. Right now, I am just rethinking if I should jump and drown but then what would happen to Jane. She made me promise her that I won't end it, but I think I deserve except her, everyone sees me as a problem. Jordan, my ex I thought we had something, but he cheated on me. He told me apparently; I wasn't good enough for him. He broke my heart: I deserved it.
Suddenly a text appeared on my phone.
Ellie – I thought you were supposed to be home at 9 pm, its 11pm, Anyways I am not opening door for anymore because you want to act like a brat, anyway I texted you, to tell you that bring milk I need it for my morning coffee.
If you are wondering who Ellie is, she is my mother but just mother of name. For her I am more of servant who needs to do chores, and basically listen to every single thing she says. She is a reason for my low self-esteem, she thinks I am worth nothing. I also started believing it until Jane took it out of me and made me believe I am worth it. But right now, I believe that I am not worth any penny especially after getting cheated on.
What no one understands about getting cheated on is that there is always feeling of insecurity and being so ugly with yourself the rest of your life. Getting cheated on really has a long-term effect. Not even just the cheating but lies, hiding things, and a type of manipulation are made that makes you never want to fall in love again. You are just too scared and cannot truly trust anyone. You feel like everyone is going to lie to me and I will never be able to trust a person again. It just hurts so much that you can't even think about making yourself that vulnerable again. Right now, I just think ending my life is the best solution. Nobody really cares except Jane; she will be depressed for few days, but I am sure she will get another best friend who isn't always depressed or who is much better than me.
I want jane to know why I did it, even if it's nothing for her but it means a lot to me. That's why before I go, I want to write jane a text.
Jane
Cora – hey jane, I know you are asleep right now and I don't want to disturb you, so I am writing you this. Jane you are the only person who ever understood me, or even cared. I can't tell you how grateful I am too have you in my life. They say best friends change. But you have proved them wrong and showed them true best friends don't change. After few minutes I am going to jump into this river, and I want you to know none of this is your fault. After Jordan I don't think I have will to live and as he said I am just a problem so, I think there is no point of being here and Yeh you were wrong I am not worth a single thing. I love you xoxo – Cora.
As I clicked the sent button, I can't stop thinking how she will feel after reading this or hearing about mu death. Will it hurt her? I don't want to do anything to hurt her, but I feel like I am burden to her and I am holding her back. She can do much better without me, if she doesn't have to deal with my problems, my panic attack she is a shooting star.
I just sit on the bridge for few minutes thinking about all the memories I have made with Jane, Jordan and somewhat with Ellie, I never understood why Ellie hates me, but she loved me through my childhood. As I was thinking It occur to me that my dad left Ellie because of me, I somewhat remember their argument. He said he didn't want a daughter and that I looked like someone else rather than him. So, he left around when I was 7 years old, after that day Ellie turned stoned hearted, she barely showed any emotions to me or even to anyone. Maybe that's the reason she sees me as a problem rather than her daughter because I took love of her life away.
I don't even know my dad to be honest, I don't remember him at all. Maybe because he never loved me but Ellie, she did I remember how loving and caring she used to be. I call her Ellie because she said she isn't my mum just a guardian. So, I started calling her by her first name. I don't know why I am feeling so connected to her right now. Maybe because this is the first time, I am seeing why she hates me so much, but she hates me cause she is hurt and I don't blame her for that.
Suddenly I felt this rage to send her a message I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not, but I feel like she at least deserves to know that I love her, and I am happy to be her daughter.
Ellie
Cora – hey mum. I want to say that I love you and you are the best, and I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have given you. But I know you hate me because you love me so much. Again, I love you xoxo – your daughter Cora.
I am feeling relieved that I told her that. Oh my god I just want to hug her right now because I want to feel loved again by her, for her to tell me she loves me back and I am worth it.
I stand up taking deep breaths just about to end it.
Suddenly there is a flash making it hard to see and then there is a loud horn, my foot accidently slips, and I fell into the river. I hear a voice "oh shit, she fell" the voice was deep but somehow attractive as my body dives in water I don't fight the urge to get out my eyes soon start to close but a hand connects my hair that brings my head out of water.
As soon as I open my eyes, I see the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. They are brown but they feel so magical like anyone can get lost in them. He is saying something, but I can't hear anything. I don't know why but everything has just gone silent, I can just focus on his eyes. It was like I am in a movie or living a fantasy.
I come back from my thoughts and hear him saying are you okay? I responded back by saying "I am fine, don't worry and thank you".  Are you fucking crazy? Why did you jump? He fired those questions back. I... I... I don't know why I was stuttering, suddenly another voice came "Come on man, I don't want to get caught".
"Hey, listen I need to get back but take care" he says that to me and then he just disappears. What was this? I don't know what to think. But what I know is I need to know who he is. He has done some magic to me. He just gave me a hope to live, after Jordan I thought I would have no hope and the best thing to do is kill myself. But this gave relight the hope to live and to have a good life ahead. I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHO HE IS!!!!!!
I go up to the bridge where my phone is and see there is a call from Ellie and a 2 text messages.
Ellie – what is this bullshit?
Ellie – are you drunk? And come home quick.
Wow, I was right she cares she still loves me. She just doesn't show it because she doesn't want to be vulnerable again. Thinking back, I was her hope to live just like that mysterious guy who gave me hope to live. I am in tears thinking about this but now I know why my mum hates me. Even though I am just her hope I really wish I become her strength one day and want to feel loved by her again.