The Silver Envelope

Healer Conelly

The receptionist in the waiting room attempted to ignore the incessantly tapping foot of the patient in the farthest corner, but failed. Her eyes kept shifting to glance at him, annoyed at the noise.
Draco felt keyed up today, for reasons he didn't like to admit. It was probably a good thing he had shown up for his appointment.
A door opened at the end of the hall, and a tall woman with light brown hair and a calm expression emerged, smiling at him.
"I can see you now, Draco," Healer Connelly said in her soft Irish accent.
Draco stood and followed her into the familiar office. Pale blue walls and gentle landscape paintings greeted him. Draco seated himself on the beige sofa, looking out the large windows at the gray, sweeping view of the London skyline
"It's nice to see you again. How have you been?" she said, pointing her wand at the door to close it.
"Fine," Draco said. It was insincere, but he always had trouble opening up right away.
She gave him a small smile as she sat across from him, crossing her ankles as usual.
"Fill me in on what's been going on with you. Now that we've switched to monthly appointments rather than weekly, I feel as though I haven't seen you in ages.
Draco took a deep breath, rubbing his palms on his knees. He had been dying to talk to Healer Connelly for some time, but now that he was here, he had no idea how to start.
"Well, I missed an appointment at St. Mungo's. For my tonic," he started.
Healer Connelly let out a little "mm" of acknowledgement, her brows creased. She waved her wand at a quill nearby, which began to take notes for her.
"I see. And how did that go?" she asked.
"It... well, it started out badly, but it ended up alright, actually."
He waited for her to ask more questions, but she only smiled expectantly, prompting him to continue.
"I went to a muggle pub, for a drink," he admitted, looking down. "But then I bumped into an old
accudintance
"A muggle acquaintance?" she said curiously.
Actually, no. Someone I knew from Hogwarts. I-I think I've mentioned her before. Hermione Granger." Draco's stomach flipped when he said her name aloud.
"Hmm." Healer Connelly had raised her eyebrows in interest. To say he had mentioned her before was quite an understatement, but thankfully, his healer didn't bring attention to it. "Granger?
Really? Did you get the chance to speak with her?"
Draco confirmed with a single, sharp nod.
"And how did that go?" Healer Connelly prompted.
Draco took a large breath, letting it out slowly before he spoke. He felt nervous, as though Healer Connelly might see right through him, ascertaining his deepest thoughts and wishes before he was
even willing to admit them to himself.
"It went...well?" he said, not meaning to make it sound so much like a question. "I bought her a drink and talked to her for a while. I apologized. For everything."
"For everything?" Healer Connelly asked.
"Like, for how I treated her in school, and for what happened to her at my family's manor."
Healer Connelly's quill zipped across her parchment, furiously noting down this unprecedented development.
They had talked at length about that incident in the past few years. So many times, he had woken in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, Hermione's screams and Bellatrix's laughter echoing in his ears. That nightmare had come up in many discussions about his triggers. Troubled sleep and addiction recovery did not mix well.
"That was very brave of you," she said kindly. "And how did she respond?"

"She thanked me. She said it meant a lot to her, to hear that." Draco's heart gave a funny flutter at the memory. He clenched his jaw, mentally tamping the feeling down.
"That's wonderful," Healer Connelly said, giving him a rare, wide smile. But then she adopted a look of concern as she asked, "And, you said you bought her a drink?"
Did you drink, she meant to ask.
"I had water. I didn't want her to...to see me, like that," he said.
Healer Connelly nodded deeply.
"Well, I'm very proud of you, Draco. That must have been a hard decision to make. How do you feel, after talking with Ms. Granger?"
"I feel...erm, I feel.
Draco had no words to describe how he felt. It was like he had experienced every emotion in existence, each one in roaring technicolor, whizzing by and overlapping all at once.
"Overwhelmed?" Healer Connelly suggested.
"I dunno how I feel," Draco finally said.
Silence passed while Healer Connelly took this in. She looked at him, her brows furrowed slightly, and Draco got the uncomfortable impression that she was staring straight into his soul. It was a habit of hers, and one he had never quite gotten used to.
"Draco,"
* she began, uncrossing and recrossing her ankles as she adjusted herself to sit forward in her chair. "In the last few years, you and I have built a good amount of trust. Am I right in assuming you feel the same way?"
"Yes." he said, and he meant it. She had seen him at his lowest, and had been there to help him
build himself up, piece by piece, from scratch.
"Good," she said. "Then I want to ask you a difficult question, and I want to encourage you to think hard about it before you answer, alright?"
Draco nodded, waiting tensely.
Healer Connelly pinched her lips, considering how to phrase her question.
"Do you love Ms. Granger?"
His stomach dropped off a cliff. Swallowing past his suddenly dry throat, he croaked, "W-what? L-love? Her?" What on earth had prompted her to ask such a question?
"Think carefully. Don't answer right away," Healer Connelly said. "I raised the subject for a reason. You've talked of Ms. Granger fairly often in our sessions, Draco. And almost every time you do, I can't help but notice that your body language changes. I know you've said you haven't spoken with her since school, but it's very clear to me that you have strong feelings about her regardless. I wonder if one of those feelings might be love. In any sense of the word." She sat back then, as if to allow him more space to consider her question.
Draco closed his eyes, trying to slow his thumping heartbeat.
Love Hermione? Obviously not. He barely knew her.
Well. alright. he had known her since they were eleven. But he. the Draco he was today. had only known Hermione for a short time. He had talked to her exactly once since they had left school.
True, he had thought about that conversation constantly since it happened, but it was still only one day. Only a fool would call that love.
"Back when we were in school together, I thought I hated her," Draco began. "I hated all mudbl-erm, muggle-borns. I'm still working on that," he said sheepishly, acknowledging his language.
"But anyway, I detested her. She was Potter's friend, she was muggle-born, she was an insufferable know-it-all. I thought that was more than enough reason to hate her."
Healer Connelly nodded, taking in his words as her quill whizzed across the parchment next to her.
"And, I'll admit, I was jealous," he said. "I had thought I was smart, until then. But then here was this girl, raised by muggles, didn't even know that magic existed before then and she just waltzed in and crushed me in every subject. It was humiliating."

Despite the seriousness of his words, Draco smiled. The memory of young Hermione, with her
frizzy hair and buck teeth, raising her hand eagerly to answer every question, seemed charming to him now. His irritation with her now seemed childish and funny.
"When I think about how I was raised, what my parents had taught me...well, how could I not hate her? But now.
He sighed, looking out the window again. Healer Connelly didn't interrupt him, allowing him plenty of time to gather his thoughts.
"But now, everything is different. It's different, when I see her now," he said.
That statement did not even come close to encompassing his feelings, but it was a good way to lead into what he had to say next.
"I wouldn't call it love, what I feel for her," Draco said, meeting Healer Connelly's eyes. "The person I am now has only spoken with her once. And besides, getting interested in Hermione is not an option. Her boyfriend, she's been with him forever. She's not available."
He said this matter-of-factly, for his own benefit as much as Healer Connelly's
"But I do...like.. her. I think."
This last admission sounded forced and stilted. Draco felt his face redden, and he suddenly wanted to take the pillow next to him and hide behind it.
Healer Connelly had smiled, nodding with approval at his explanation.
"Excellent job, Draco," she said. "You've become very adept at expressing your feelings."
Draco considered vanishing the glass of the window and jumping off the ledge, all to avoid the extreme embarrassment of this whole situation
"Well, that's all our time for today," Healer Connelly said, uncrossing her ankles and sitting up straighter. "Before you leave, I have an assignment for you."
He sat up straighter, waiting.
"Sometimes, nightmares become recurring when there's a fear we have which has gone unaddressed," she said. "Even though you and I have talked about what happened to Ms. Granger in your family's home, your nightmares about that day haven't gone away."
"How should I address it, then?" Draco asked.
"I think you should talk to Ms. Granger again and tell her what you just told me. Not about loving or liking her!" she clarified, anticipating Draco's protestation before he could voice it. "But tell her the bit about being jealous of her, and how you see her differently now. That change in perspective is important, Draco. As important as the work we've done in dismantling your beliefs about blood purity. Someone so clever and understanding as Ms. Granger would be the perfect person to discuss that with. Besides," she added, quirking her lips up in a gentle smile, "I can't be your only friend forever."
Draco rolled his eyes.
"You're only my friend because I can pay your exorbitant rates," he joked.
"True," she teased, and stood to lead him out.
He had meant to tell her about going to see Hermione in Diagon Alley the other day, but now he thought it made him sound petty, or a bit obsessed with her.
Still, he felt lighter as he stepped out into the weak London sunshine. Maybe he would do it.
Maybe he would find her again and tell her how he felt.