After Rise

Grief

REY

I feel the sunlight grazing my eyes. I've missed the desert sun. Jakku was the same as when I had left. It felt almost weird to be back home after all that's happened. The problems I had here seemed so miniscule now; sort of like a lifetime away.

My body feels exhausted and I don't want to open my eyes. This was the first time I'd slept for so long without a nightmare or thought interrupting. I feel BB-8 rolling over to me from the other room on the ship. Poe and Finn worry if I'm alone. Poe denies it but I know he's the one that tells BB-8 to be my companion. I'm on the floor with my arms around myself. I slowly open my eyes. I stare upwards at all the buttons and controls. I think of how little I knew last time I was on Jakku. How I sometimes wish I'd never left following Finn and BB-8. How I wish things didn't end the way they did. But I cannot undo the past. I cannot undo anything. I cannot bring them back. I cannot make them choose differently.

BB-8 nudges at my arms telling me to get up. I slowly sit up and sigh. I go to the small refresher on the ship. I'm still finding my way around it. It's new to me. After the last mission, I cannot seem to find myself to even come near the Millennium Falcon or Master Luke's ship. There's a small mirror on the refresher wall. I look at myself for the first time in months. I look tired. My face is colorless. My hair has grown much longer. I practice smiling but my eyes give my sadness away. I decide there's no use in any of this so I finish freshening up and come out to the cockpit.

BB-8 is still which lets me know either Poe, Finn, or Rose are leaving a message for me. As I wait I think of when I went to Tatooine to commemorate Master Luke and Leia with the burial of their lightsabers. Tatooine reminds me of Jakku in a way. I find myself mourning too much to want to connect with the force or train anyone which I know would disappoint them. I'm supposed to be stronger than this.

I tell myself I just need time. At least that's what Finn says. But it's weird how grief hit me. I was fine for a while. I came back from Exegol and Finn and Poe were well and alive. Rose and our new friends were alive. Lando stuck around for a bit and Chewie was extra caring with me. I don't even know at what point I started deteriorating. I didn't even want to leave my chamber.

I sit and BB-8 finally rolls to me. It plays the message. It's Finn.

"Rey. I know you need this time. But please do not take too long. We need you. I need you. My dreams have been becoming much more accurate lately. I'm scared sometimes. I know you can help me figure out my place in all this. Do not forget that we're here for you too. Rose misses you. We all do. Please let us in. It'll alleviate some weight off you. Your lightsaber is kept safely hidden until your return, good friend."

BB-8 shakes asking if I want to relay a message to Finn. I shake my head sideways and smile at it. I love BB-8. It is loyal and funny sometimes. I know why Poe values it so much.

"I think I want to head out on a walk, BB-8. Will you join me?"

BB-8 gets worried and starts shaking again.

"Don't worry. I will eat after my walk. I've brought enough food and supplies to last me another fourteen moons. The ship will be fine. I know this planet. There's no one on this side of the desert. We'll be near the ship. I just want to feel the coarse rough sand again."

I grab the tunic I made to cover my arms from the sun and feel BB-8 rolling behind me. I open the door and step on the sand. It immediately makes me close my eyes to bask in the sun and sand I so longed for after their deaths. The same sun and sand I hated my entire childhood. It tires me and I no longer want to walk so I sit in tailor-fashion just enjoying the present. BB-8 judges me silently but sits still as well.