My Depressing Journal

First Page

Dear Journal,

    I'm calling you a journal because the word diary is too mainstream. Now you think I'm an asshole, great. Let's get to the point. The reason I'm writing a public journal is because I want to write my thoughts- publicly because I want people to relate- well that's not exactly the reason. I guess I just want someone to acknowledge me. To see me as if I'm not a weak, sensitive girl- but see the real me- to see who I can really be if it wasn't for my anxiety. Anyway, to the actual point. The thing is- before I wrote this journal, I used to use the windows notepad thing to write all my thoughts in. I wrote about how I felt whenever I was sad. Negative thoughts took over my brain and I saw everything in a way that wasn't exactly the best. Honestly, people see me as quiet and maybe energetic, too because of how I'm around my friends. I have a whole different mind at home. I usually look forward to going home from school because well- who wants to be in school? But, whenever I got home... everything turned black. I'm an internet freak, I'm always on the internet and half of my friends are from the internet. I met them on game websites, mobas, etc. I have great friends, but then I have those other friends who hurt me- yet I cant leave them. The internet isn't rainbows and sunshine. It holds so much more darkness, so much more that you haven't yet seen. I may sound stupid. "Why don't you just block them?" Fear. It takes over you, causing you to do things that you later regret. Fear is what you feel when someone doesn't respond to you, but read your message. "Am I not good enough?" "I hate myself." Sometimes, even I don't understand fear, anxiety, and paranoia. I've felt it, but never understood it. It's like feeling lonely but not understanding why because being alone is much better than handling the drama and pressure of being with someone. I see things from a much different perspective than most and it kind of pisses me off because that way people don't understand me. My mentality, the things I do, what I feel... It all makes me feel out of place. I don't know when it started.  When my thoughts started going corrupt, that is. I guess it might be when my dad started to torture our family in ways I wont explain for the sake of this public journal. Maybe later. Alright, this chapter is getting long enough. But, my last message to you guys is a little poem I made.

Fear is a monster

It leaves you with regret.

But, fear makes you stronger

as it keeps intruding.

Fear leaves a memory

that gives you a scar.

Fear may wander

deep into your thoughts.

But, fear never stops

unless you have fought.

It's not the best poem. I'm not exactly the best poet. Well, I'm not a poet at all- but, hopefully it gives you some kind of message.