Never Really Fine

Part 3

Once Five got downstairs, he immediately regretted coming out of his room. It was noisy. Really noisy.

 Victor was playing his violin in the corner of the dining room, an angry look on his face as he played a furious tune. Someone must have upset him, that’s what he always did when he was angry.

 Diego was throwing knives at a dart board in the kitchen, a loud ‘thunk’ sounding whenever one hit the target. Klaus was having a heated conversation with, Five could only assume, Ben while sitting on the dining room table like a heathen.

 Five thinks he heard the words mayonnaise and kink, and therefore chose not to listen anymore. Allison was sitting at the table and, very loudly, practicing lines. Apparently she had gotten the lead role in a movie and was very passionate about it.

 There was a song he didn’t recognise blasting from the radio, and Mom was at the stove putting the finishing touches on dinner. Once they got into the dining room, Victor caught sight of Luther and began playing an even angrier tune.

 “Come on, I said I was sorry!” Luther yelled over the chaos. “I don’t care! That sheet music was important and you ruined it!” He yelled back, playing louder. Five didn’t bother asking what their squabble was about, but noted that he’d never seen Victor this pissed before.

 Klaus waved at him as he passed by the table, never stopping the ongoing argument between him and Ben. Five waved back. Allison was so engrossed in her script that she didn’t even notice his arrival. He got into the kitchen and Grace noticed him immediately.

 She was about to ask him how he was feeling, but Five realized her train of thought and put a hand up to stop her. He didn’t need her allerting his siblings that something was wrong. She nodded in understanding, though looking a bit apprehensive.

 “Hi there Five, it’s nice of you to join us.” She greeted him, a warm smile lacing her face. “I’m nearly done with dinner, could you herd your sibling to the table?” She asked. Five nearly cracked a smile at her referring to them as cattle, but his face remained stoic.

 He really didn’t wanna be here. He wanted to hang out with his family, but the loud noises and smell of food was just making his headache worse, and he just wanted to go to bed. But despite that, he nodded towards Grace and went to round up his siblings.

 Tapping Diego on the shoulder had almost earned him a knife to the head, and Victor refused to sit next to Luther, but all in all it wasn’t that difficult to get them all situated at the table just as Grace brought out the food.

 “Alrighty! I’ve got things to do in the infirmary, but you all eat well!” She beamed as she set the food on the table and went off towards the infirmary. She didn’t eat, so she tried to keep herself busy during dinner. Everyone immediately dug in like wild animals, all except Five that is.

 He had never had a big appetite even before he got stuck in the past, and then he was stuck in the apocalypse for 40 years and only ate enough to barely keep him alive. So, with all of that, he could barely bring himself to eat a few bites of something before he felt full, even if it was Grace’s delicious lasagna.

 He picked at his food as he listened to his siblings talk, occasionally taking a bite and nearly crying at how good it tasted. Eventually everyone was almost done with their food, and Five was about to excuse himself when Luther spoke up.

 “You alright Five? You only ate, like, two bites.” He said, slight concern on his features. All his siblings turned to look at him once Luther said this, and somehow the sudden silence was even worse than the previous noise.

 “I’m fine, just not hungry.” He replied simply. “Are you sure? I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you do look really pale. Are you sick?” Victor asked. “I’m fine. Can’t I exist for one fucking second without you all smothering me?” He snapped back, annoyance taking over.

 His siblings all looked shocked at his sudden outburst. “I’m sorry Five, I was just worried.” Victor said. Klaus and Allison were silent. “Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be, so just leave it alone.” Five retorted, his anger increasing.

 “Come on Five, there’s no need to be rude.” Luther said, looking a little angry. Five just scoffed and stood from his chair, not even bothering to look back at his siblings as he told them all to fuck off and blinked back to his room.

 He once again landed with a crash on the ground, his headache increasing twofold from that one jump. He really should have just used the stairs, but he had just wanted to get out of there. He didn’t bother getting up from the ground for a while, just laying there and wallowing in self loathing.

 Why had he snapped like that? They were just worried about him, he should feel happy that they care so much, but he doesn’t. Why is he always so mean to them for no good reason? Why, when he cares about them more than anything? He loves them so much, so why does he always end up snapping at them like that?

 He groans as he rolls over, his arms hurting more than they had all day, and his headache increasing every second. He stared at the ceiling and scowled, his mind in shambles as he reminisced on how he had treated his siblings.

 Eventually he stood up and hobbled to his nightstand where he had haphazardly set the knife from before. He stared at it for a second, debating whether or not he should really do it, but it wasn’t much of a battle. After all, it was the least he deserved.

 He picked it up and made his way to his personal bathroom, not wanting to once again ruin his carpet, and locked the door behind him. He sat on the ground, having taken off his sweater and thrown it in the laundry basket.

 Was he really doing this twice in one day? When he had already turned his arms to mince meat? Last night he had been in a state of madness and was having a serious mental breakdown because of the nightmare, but his mind was perfectly clear right now.

 Maybe that’s why it took even less time for him to turn to the blade. Because he could think clearly, and therefore could remember every bad thing he’d ever done all at once, including the outburst he had had just minutes ago. And he was hating himself even more.

 So, without nearly as much hesitation as he should have, Five brought the knife to his shoulder. His arms were too injured to be irritated any further, he knew that, so he opted for his shoulder instead.

 He brought the knife down and made a shallow cut, his eyes dull as he watched the blood drip down onto his pants. He’d have to wash them later, but that was the last thing on his mind right now.

 He made another cut, just a tad bit deeper. He was making sure to stick to the promise of never going too far like he had last night. He laughed a little as he made a third cut, a single tear dripping from his eye.

 He deserved this. He deserved all the pain, all the nightmares, all the anxiety, all the sadness. He deserved it all. He was a murderer. He was cruel and soulless and he deserved to feel as much pain as possible. He made another cut, a bit deeper. It hurt, he hated it, but he knew he deserved it. 

Eventually he let the knife slip from his hand and clatter to the ground. He only had about 10 reasonably deep cuts on his right shoulder, but it was enough. He sighed. He cleaned up the blood on the ground and wrapped up his shoulder, stumbling out of the bathroom and collapsing onto his bed. He hated himself so much.
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Sorry this chapter’s kinda short and shitty, i’m running on two hours of sleep and have a stomach ache. And sorry I haven’t posted in so long, i’ve just been a bit sad and then school started back up so yeah. Hope you enjoyed, have a nice day!