It was after the first month of Kindergarten when the teacher started giving back our graded assignments with stickers and prizes for the best grades. I got a lot of prizes that day! A slinky, a mini monkey's-in-a-barrel game, a small bottle of silly putty, a bottle of bubbles and a little bag of gushers. Louis glared at me when the teacher pulled me aside and congratulated me for being so smart and talented and saying I should keep working hard.
Then Louis came over and said, "You're an idiot," mommy said that too, "you're not smart, I have more prizes! And I should get yours, too, because I'm better than you." Louis glared. I looked down at the prizes in my hands and offered them to Louis by extending my hands to him as I looked up and smiled.
He looked surprised for a second before he glared again and took all the prizes I'd gotten, that he deserved. Because, like mommy said, I only deserve pain and death. But how am I supposed to die?
Now I'm dying, attempting suicide, because at the time 5 year old me didn't known this was the only way to go. Now I'm going and it'll be okay.
It wasn't until 2nd grade that the bullying really started, it was teasing mostly. Louis still didn't know my name and called me fatherless but it wasn't only him anymore. Everyone had caught on that I was the loser, and at home the beatings were getting worse. I never celebrated my birthday anymore and now that I was 7 my mommy said I could take care of myself and she started going out every night.
She'd bring home guys and none of them ever acknowledged me but if they noticed me they grimaced and walked out or they ignored me and would sneak off early in the morning from mommy's room. Mommy always beat me the next day. I was now known as the mute, seeing as I hadn't talked in two years, and Louis took advantage that there was even more wrong with me. It was one day during recess that he figured out about the anxiety, though.
He had forced me onto the monkey-bars and my fear of heights kicked in as I tried to get across, then Louis was under me, pushing my feet and making me swing, I didn't like it. The widening eyes and fast-paced wandering started, then the heavy breathing and I felt my arms let go as my body was growing numb and soon I was hyperventilating as my body started shutting down slowly and the last thing I saw was Louis' wide eyes trying to shake me. After that day Louis knew many things about me; I was fatherless, an idiot, afraid of heights, mute, had anxiety, had panic attacks, and my curls weren't cool.
It was in 2nd grade I first heard the word 'suicide' when Louis didn't come to school for a month. His brother was 16, and it was his birthday the day he did it. After that Louis shut down on everybody, except me. He was harsher than ever, telling me I was the reason for everything. It was my fault. He hated me and that added onto my self hatred, because Louis was right. How could he be wrong? I was the Devils child, of course I'm to blame. Louis and his best friend, Niall, did nothing more than show me everything wrong with me.
I was called worthless, disgusting, stupid, naive, pathetic, unwanted, ugly and fat. It was the word 'fat' that got me hardest because that was the only one I could help. I had to cook for myself anyways since my mommy never did, and just like that I stopped eating. At first I stopped entirely but when I passed out on my way home and woke up on the freezing sidewalk weak and hurt I started eating small, small portions of fruit everyday. My mom left money every two weeks for groceries and since I wasnt eating I started to save it up, but I've been saving up anyway since I barely knew how to cook yet. I'd buy an apple a week and cut it up and eat a slice a day. Louis started questioning me at lunch, asking why I wasn't eating anymore and I'd always say I had a big breakfast.
To this day I still only ate an apple slice a day and I'm still fat, being 102 pounds as a sophomore. I just need to get to 90, just 90.
I had luckily been excused from gym due to my anxiety and panic attacks because I'd had them so many times in the locker rooms thinking about getting hit and sucking really bad at sports so no one ever noticed anything about my health. Then, as if my conditions couldn't get worse, I started getting head aches at school.
It wasn't a sickness this time or a disorder, I just couldn't go to school without having at least one Advil a day. It wasn't until 6th grade started that the beatings came with it. Louis and Niall, plus their new friends Zayn and Liam started gang-beating me every chance they got.
It was okay because Louis would smile, he had a gorgeous smile. It made everything okay when he smiled. Even the cuts on my wrists and the nonstop beatings at home. I didnt go a day without getting 5 new bruises but Louis made everything okay. It was the first day I was beat at school and at home that I really considered suicide. I just contemplated if I should die naturally or kill myself, really. There was nothing more than a small thought. After that day in 7th grade I couldn't go one day without Louis beating me at least once and my mom had gotten to the point of everyday beatings. I was okay though, at the time.
The beatings I got were nothing compared to today, today was the final straw, but I was okay with that, I had accepted death a long time ago.
YOU ARE READING
Remember Why (Larry)
Fanfiction'How did it come to this?' Harry constantly asks himself... and this is why: Warnings: Trigger, Boyxboy, Larry, Abuse, Bullying, Drugs, and Selfharm. If you are dealing with thoughts of your own avoid reading and talk to me.
