Remember Why (Larry)

Part 3

Freshman year was when suicide became my only hope. It made sense to me, to just end it. I had figured out I was gay and in love with Louis but that was one thing wrong with me that I could, hopefully, keep secret. Louis was a player, and it was known. He could get any girl in the school and he used it to his advantage. It hurt more than all my beatings combined when he made out with his girlfriend of the day, or when you could see them sneaking off together or coming out of a closet flustered and disoriented. That was okay though, because Louis still smiled. 

Everyday when it was time for me to get beat- Liam would stay behind and do extra.  Whether he kicked me down under or made me jerk him off, it was always something involving his or my own manhood. It was humiliating to the max and I couldn't do anything about it. I started taking drugs a month after Liam started doing that and the high felt amazing. I then started stealing packs of cigarettes everywhere I went and never stopped smoking, it was like my life line. The money I had been saving was going to go to Louis, I already have a few thousand considering I've gotten $40 every two weeks for the last 10 years.

Louis was starting to back off during the beatings and my mom didn't come home most days anymore, I was the happiest I'd ever been. Then towards the end of the year Louis came up to me awkwardly, "Hey, fatherless, I never got your name." He looked guilty and full of shame, but he shouldn't. 

I took out my dry-erase board and wrote what my mom told me, "Idiot, my name should've been idiot." And he read it and looked at me so hurt, confused and concerned that I suddenly was the shocked one. 

"Why would you think that?" Louis asked. "My mom said so." I wrote and Louis got even more confused. 

"Your mom told you that?" He asked, bewildered. I nodded. 

He scrunched up his eyebrows before asking, "Why don't you talk." 

And I thought for a moment, "I don't like my voice and I haven't since I was 5 so why bother now," I wrote. 

He read it and reread it before he said, "did I make you stop talking?" 

I shook my head, no. It was my mom, but I wasn't going to tell him that. "I got to go." I wrote, not wanting to tell him more, it'll all go downhill soon.

After that Louis just plain out avoided me, not a single time did he look, talk, or even beat me and Liam got worse. Now it was blow jobs and banging my head against walls and it hurt a lot. At last we're to the year I'm in. I'm 16 and a junior and I weigh 12 pounds too many. Louis ignores me and Liam is the one thing that is constantly breaking me down in my life. Mom hasn't come home in 3 days and the money I've saved up for Louis is about $9k. It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 17 and dead.

*

Now we're to the present and I'll begin by this morning. Mom came home for the first time this whole week and instantly the beating began, "It's your fault no one loves me! Its your fault no one stays! Nobody wants you!" She screamed  while throwing her beer bottles at me and throwing me into the shattered glass on the ground, creating scars of many. 

She put her hands around my neck and strangled me until I almost blacked out and she let me go only so she wouldn't be charged with murder and I hurriedly left for school as she grabbed another beer bottle from her bag. 

Instantly after my arrival Niall and Zayn dragged me to the bathroom and locked the door, beating me down until I was barely conscious and then they unlocked the door and walked out, letting Liam in. 

"This will be the worst day of your life." He'd grinned, locking the door again. He forced me up and slammed my head against the wall and I was knocked out. When I woke up I heard laughter and gasps around. The first thing I noticed was that I was handcuffed to the toilet bar, leaning over the seat and couldn't move. Second thing I noticed was that my pants and boxers weren't on, and there was a piece of paper taped to my lower back, hanging over my butt. I immediately felt my face flush and looked down in shame. 

I couldn't get out until someone unlocked the cuffs and so I just sat through the embarrassment. Zayn finally came at lunch time and let me go, he seemed ashamed of Liams doings but it was gone as soon as he saw me looking. I pulled on my boxers and pants and took off the paper that read "Im a fag, fuck me, I'm desperate to lose my virginity." And I just folded it up and put it in my backpack as Zayn eyed me curiously. I walked out and I went to the nurse for the last time, just to say thanks for everything because she's been there for me a lot and she just smiled and waved as I said bye and skipped the rest of the school day. 

I went home and put my 'Louis' savings' in a box and wrote 'To: Louis From: Harry,' knowing he still didn't know my name, and then I wrote to him.

Dear Louis,

In 2nd grade you blamed a particular incident on me and ever since then I've been trying to find a way to repent for it. So I saved all the money I ever got and its added up. I know you can't buy a life but you deserve so much more than the Devils child being around you since Kindergarten, and the main cause of your brothers death. It's my fault, and I'm sorry. You were right about everything. How worthless and pathetic I am, stupid, naive, ugly, and fat. I'm still fat and I've been dieting for 9 years. I don't understand why I can't get to 90 pounds and I'm sorry. You had to look at me everyday for 11 years and I wish I could make up for it but this is the best I can do. In this box is $9k and I hope you'll forgive me someday. 

By the way, my real name is Harry Styles and I stopped talking the day my mom first punished me because I'm a bastard child. I deserved all the pain so I don't understand why you stopped beating me but I only have time for one more confession, actually two because in an hour I have to put my plan into action, which is the first confession, and this has to be at your house by then. I am going to do the world a favor and leave so you can be happy again, your smile is so beautiful and that's my other confession, I'm gay for you and I know I'm disgusting and I'm sorry you had to meet me and this is all I can do in hope that you'll forgive me. 

Goodbye,
Harry Styles

I put the letter on top of the box and left my house to go to Louis,  his house was no secret because he held wild parties every year, so I put the box in his mail box and ran home, checking that the front door was locked so even my mom couldn't come in. It was 11 pm and these pills take a few hours to completely kill you, they have to get into your blood stream first and the first hour is your body trying to force them out and then you have to wait that last hour for it to kill your body slowly. 

I took 3 bottles that were completely full. Two were pain killers while one was some sort of strong allergy medicine and I took one pill at a time until all 3 bottles were empty. I stretched out on my carpet floor and looked up at the stars on my roof, they used to glow in the dark but as the years went by they had dimmed, just like me. As I lay there I let the memories overcome my mind and now that I'm done... I can feel my head slowly shutting down as my head falls and lifts up as I try to stay conscious to look at the stars just a little longer. I smile as I feel the numbness take over my whole body and I black out to the image of glowing stars on my roof.