I watched carefully as the doctor tried to revive my baby. I was so nervous and I wished that my mother was here. I was all alone waiting on Larry once again. I was in this alone like I knew I would be.
The doctors did all they could but it was to no use. She didn't make it.
The tears I cried echoed through every hall in the facility I was sure of it. It was so hard to make them stop that the nurses refused to leave me alone. I was being watched every hour they'd switch off when needed.
When Larry came he wanted to see it and as hard as it was for me to tell him, I told him. I never really seen him cry...at least not in front of me.
He held me close and tight as if he wouldn't let go. That counted for something. But when he did he held her lifeless hands and brushed his fingers through her hair and kissed her toes. He kissed her cheek and when he let her go I swore I saw a tear fall. But he swept it away and stepped out to smoke.
When they finally took my baby from me I curled up at the edge of the bed into a tight ball rocking back and forth. I looked crazy like something in a horror flick. I was tired and depressed. I was starving and confused. I didn't want to know why this happened because I knew why it had happened and why it HAD to happen.
When he came back in he rubbed my back to soothe me. He rubbed my neck to loosen me up to relax. But I couldn't I was unstable I was a mess.
"I love you Suki." He said.
But I said nothing. I felt nothing. The love I had for him had vanished just like that. Gone with no explanation.
"Talk to me."
But I couldn't. I just stared at the wall shaking my leg as I uncurled from the ball I was in. He held my hand and I let him. He squeezed it softly and repeated what he said. But to no avail I fed him more silence.
It was the baby keeping us together and I felt like he knew that deep down. Now our only connection had severed and the chains of our cycle had fallen. I was over him. But I'd never be over this loss.
"Suki." He called.
I stood up from the bed and walked over to the window. It was a calm morning and it was chilly like I liked. The cars cruised by and the sun barely peaked over the hills. It would've been a beautiful day to take our baby home.
We didn't want to come up with a name before hand we wanted to be put on spot. Our baby we'd never name. Our baby we'd never take home. It was such an eerie feeling looking down at my pudge that once housed a healthy baby was now an empty reminder of what was lost of what went wrong.
He came to hug me from behind but I pushed him away.
"I'll give you some time. Just call me when you need me. I love you Suki, I'm sorry."
When he left the tears fell again. But these tears weren't sorrow for myself. These tears were joyous tears. I was now free from this. I was now able to move on with my life.
Despite feeling as shitty as I did I still went to work. I ran 1 HR while Larry ran Sloppy joes alongside Ted.
As much as I loved Ted's breakfast I couldn't bare to see Larry's face I was so serious this time about leaving him alone for good. I didn't want things to get weird.
Whenever he did stop by to collect profits I left it in our business mailbox so we didn't have to talk. And when he did come inside I pretended to be on the phone with a customer. I didn't know or care about how my behavior affected him. I always help like the feeling was mutual.
Then he stopped calling and he stopped texting he even stopped coming by. When I tried to pay him he told me to keep it and when I came back home from work one day the key was on the table and all of his stuff was gone. He was finally over me. I didn't know how to feel but it was for the best.
I had rolled a blunt and smoked it for the first time in what felt like forever.
But the high didn't really ease the pain. I tried drinking but I honestly felt worse when I did. There wasn't a way to fix me. I was completely broken.
I had met a guy at the grocery store though. I get a little excited when I talk about him cause it's almost as if he doesn't exist. He's too good to be true or something. He's so fine but I didn't want to keep making decisions based off of that.
He's tall and chocolate with the whitest teeth I'd ever seen. He had waves and a thick beard that complimented his face. His eyes were hazel and he was muscular. But he was so weird and nervous all the time. That was the only con. But it was better than nothing.
He had 2 jobs with no kids. He lived out East by the mall and was majoring in business and accounting. He was a family man and he loved dogs but he wasn't the type to have them in the house. He wanted guard dogs for outside. He wasn't gay and I find that surprising in this day and age. Not like there's an issue but my preferences were my preferences.
I still thought about Larry from time to time but never called him. I wasn't ready to deal with the reality of things yet. I wanted more time, more distractions.
