poetry book

growing up

'happy new year' everyone said happily
but I didn't felt happy
not at all
another year passed me by
I feel like I'm wasting my time
this years were supposed to be my happy years
they never were
'school starts again' I thought as I left the house
it's freezing outside
and I put a bunch of clothes on
but the feeling hasn't left me
'oh it's easter' I thought as my mom got me some small gifts, hugging me happily
but it hasn't felt like easter in years
'It's my birthday' I thought as everyone was singing happy birthday, everyone hugging me, wishing me a happy birthday
but it hadn't felt like a 'happy' birthday in years
just another year had passed me by again
'tomorrow is holidays' I thought while leaving the house on my last school day
it's hot today
I put on less clothes
just some pants and a loose shirt
the feeling still hasn't left me
'oh shit tomorrow starts school again' I thought at 3 am on my last holidays day knowing I'd had to stand up in 3 hours
'why do our teachers think we are able to write 3 exams every week in two months?' I thought in the middle of the exam phase
the feeling still hasn't left me alone
I was just distracted
'oh it's Christmas' I thought as my mom happily wished me a merry Christmas and me mumbling it back at her
but Christmas hasn't felt like Christmas in years
'happy new year' everyone said once again happily
but im not happy
I'm empty
whatever i tried I couldn't bury the deep emptiness inside me
it always lingers deep inside me
and I'm trying to fill that void inside of me
it never gets enough
it needs more
while everything around me is changing, I'm changing
everyone I loved has left me
and before I could realise it they were long gone
I'm watching myself grow up in 5 seconds and I cannot do anything bout it.