Who I Am

Chapter 1: The Wish

TW: suicide attempt [kinda]

     Ever since he was a kid, Jack never fit in. The other guys said he was too wimpy. He always felt more comfortable spending time with the girls, but only a select few ever put up with him and never for very long. The others were too busy trying to impress the boys and never thought he was worth their time. Most of Jack's life was spent wishing he was someone else. He didn't feel comfortable in his own skin.
     Today had been especially brutal. Jack hated high school. He and his class are seniors this year. Finally 18. Aren't they above bullying at this point? Apparently not. A group of boys ganged up on him in the locker room. He was black and blue everywhere. Everywhere hidden by his clothes anyway. Those guys may have been cowards, picking on the thin, weak, quiet kid, but they knew how to stay out of trouble. Jack had given up trying to tell anyone about being bullied anymore, so as long as nothing was visible, they were in the clear.
     When Jack got home, neither of his parents were there. They rarely were. Both of them had to work all day and most of the night just to afford the bare necessities for the three of them. Jack had a feeling they resented him for it. They blamed him for needing to live paycheck to paycheck, even with both of them working full time. They barely even paid him a second thought anymore. Jack had also heard many of their fights through the thin walls of their home.
Jack made his own dinner. Some toast. He didn't know how to make anything else. He put two slices of bread into the toaster and pushed the lever down. While he waited, he thought about what happened today. He was used to being picked on, but nobody had ever gotten this physical with him. They showed no mercy. They just held him down and beat him senseless. He probably had a broken rib. Not that it mattered. They couldn't afford a visit to the hospital. Jack was snapped out of thought by the toast popping up. He grabbed them and just ate them dry.
Jack put his backpack in his room and went to take a shower. He was a 5'10, skinny boy with a pale complexion and long, stringy, dirty blonde hair. His eyes were a deep green color and he had a faint scar just below his left eyebrow above the eye. He hated the way he looked. Every time he looked into the mirror was torture for him. He tried to avoid it whenever possible. He winced as he washed himself, the cloth moving over each and every bruise. After he finished, he wrapped himself in a towel and went back to his room. He changed into pajamas and sat on his bed. And then he cried.
     He cried like he never had before. He'd been holding everything in for so long. Tears poured from his eyes like water from a faucet. Everything he'd been bottling up was coming out all at once. He laid back on his bed and looked to the side at his nightstand. There were two prescription bottles that held his anxiety and depression medications.
     "All it would take..." he thought "...is one swallow. I'd just need to empty those bottles, and I wouldn't need to feel this way anymore..." Jack reached out to the bottles and held them in his hand. He could end it all right now. He wouldn't need to deal with the bullshit life constantly throws his way anymore. He sat back up and stared at the bottles for what felt like forever, considering his options. He glanced out the window and saw the night sky. Had it really been that long since he got home? He set the bottles back down and opened the window, staring at the stars.
     There were no clouds tonight. Jack liked nights like this. He could hear the crickets chirping. The view, the sound, and the cool air helped calm him down. He decided he wouldn't end it all. Not yet. He'd give it a little while longer, though he didn't really know why he decided this. As he was looking outside, he saw a shooting star.
     "... Please.." he began. "I just want to be able to be happy. I want the pain to stop. I want to feel ok..." he pleaded. "I... I wish that I could just be me without anyone judging or hating me for just being alive... I want a good life. Not a perfect life, just one where I can be happy." he finished.
     After a short while, Jack closed the window and laid back down in bed. He spent much of his time trying to fall asleep thinking about that decision to keep on living. He wondered if he'd regret it. He reasoned he probably would. He'd made his decision though, and whatever happens happens. He can always just do it later after all.
     Jack dreamed that his life was ok. He was happy. He had friends, a loving home, everything he'd ever wanted. He didn't need his medications. Unfortunately though, the dream didn't last.
Jack woke up remembering everything about the dream. He laid there in his bed with his eyes closed, just wanting the dream to be real. He couldn't make himself open his eyes and get up for school. It was then when he heard a knocking on his bedroom door and his mother's voice.
"Natalie, get up. It's time to get ready for school."
Jack shot awake.
"Natalie?" He thought. "Who the hell is Natalie!?" Then he noticed a weight on his chest. He looked down to see he had two respectable sized breasts. He was too shocked to say or do anything for the longest time. Eventually, he got up and looked down at the rest of himself.
Jack noticed his hair first. It fell over his shoulders like it usually did, but it was no longer stringy. It was thick and wavy. It needed to be brushed, but that's to be expected straight out of bed. Next he noticed his figure. He was still thin, but his thighs and butt were considerably larger, his chest was too of course. As he was slightly panicking a thought came to him. He slowly pulled his waistband down and gazed at, well, nothing. There wasn't anything there.
     "Holy shit, I'm a girl..." he thought. He then looked around the room. It was similar, but not the same as it was yesterday. There was a small mirror on his desk surrounded by a few makeup products. He went over to it and looked at himself. He looked like what he imagined he'd look like as a girl. Something he had thought about on more than one occasion. What he didn't expect though was how hot he was. He was genuinely happy with how he looked.
     Jack's mother knocked on the door again.
     "Honey, are you awake?"
     "Um, yeah Mom." Jack replied. His voice was like music to his own ears. His mother opened the door. Seeing him with the makeup mirror, she gave him a stern yet loving look.
     "Natalie, how many times do I need to tell you? You do your makeup after you get dressed. You're going to want to make a good impression today. Starting in the middle of the school year isn't always the easiest."
     "Uh, right. My bad." Jack said. His mom took a few small steps into his room.
     "Do you want some help getting ready? I know you always stress about what you should wear and I can do your makeup to make it faster." She seemed to genuinely care about Jack.
     "Y-yeah. Thanks Mom." Jack's mom picked out an outfit for him. A purple skirt with a navy top and black shoes. She then did Jack's makeup. Nothing too flashy. Just something to bring out his "natural beauty" as she put it.
     "And... there! You look adorable!" Jack's mom said, making him blush.
     "T-thanks..." he said. In that moment, he felt loved and cared for. Maybe being Natalie wouldn't be so bad. It even felt... right.