Hi younger me, you made it. And I wish you hadn't. Today I wish you hadn't.
I could tell you of the stories of when you finally got to do your dreams. You went on a spa day. Became an asmr creator. You made friends in real life. And you comforted them, while they cried.
A few days ago, you got a boyfriend. It felt equal, but for some reason, you're slipping and feeling so so ugly you don't want anyone to look at you.
I could tell you how you interacted with your favourite YouTubers like they were friends. I could tell you how your heart is no longer kept by that douchebag. I could tell you how crywolf sang Fawn to you, 1 foot away. I could tell you how you met up with a friend and walked the city, went back to the mall and exclaimed for joy at every little thing you saw.
I could tell you how you wore gorgeous dresses and how much research you did to fix everything. I could tell you how many people call you pretty, angel. How people praise your voice saying it's "the best voice they've ever heard." People praise you nude "breedable." People praise your face "most beautiful I've ever seen"
Something went wrong. My boyfriend gave me that last praise, and I tried to take a selfie for him. The ridge of my brow was so deep the lighting couldn't get to my eyes. My voice couldn't reach as high. My face was long. My body felt off. I despaired and hid behind my hair as if nothing has changed.
It felt awful. Did I need to pay $40,000 to fix what my parents did to me? Do I? I'm going to cry.
My therapist tells me she doesn't see what I'm talking about duh not with the lighting from the zoom meeting and the window behind me.
But.. something happened in the last few months. Did I need to take my dose? I thought. My friend called me pretty irl 3 days ago, but a woman scowled at me in Walmart today. Is it genuinely my cycle? Does it affect me day to day? So I took my dose.
I've been taking just a tad too, because I'm worried and I want to be extra careful. My mood is off. My hair is weird...DHT? I'm so scared, wondering if this whole time my levels are secretly hurting me. I'm so upset my shoulders are so wide. I want so badly for someone to hug me hold me. I want srs. I want to be f--d.
It's all because this happened so late. Is God cursing me? What are the signs? Olivia Rodrigo? Am I mistaking them?
My sister called Olivia, the JWs are at our door this morning. I had just done a self care bath bomb.
I can't tell you how awful I feel. How worried I am that something bad is in my body. I want to go to dechamps broly I want to be pretty. I'm so exhausted.
I would feel so much more light and free to make any facial expression if I didn't feel like my brow bone ruins the lighting or something is off or my nose isn't pretty. I don't care anymore. I feel awful. I want to fix what T has done to me. I want to die. I already wanted to in puberty, imagine...? But why is it still going on. Last year I was able to send my situationship pics of me and I was pretty he even liked recent ones on insta idk why but.
Back then it wasn't this bad. I can FEEL MY BROW BONE. and I FEEL like it's limiting the way I move. It's making me self conscious. I'm really really upset. I want to be pretty again
And I look back to 15 years old, no estrogen. I still looked pretty? I looked gorgeous even though I was very overweight if I simply...
And now my hips, my face, my shoulders, my brow, my ... Everything. Even hair line. It all stings. I feel awful.
I begged and pleaded at 13. Early 13. I begged.
God didn't save me
Not after.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
I want to go. Despite everything, I wish I had died. I can't play sardines. I can't welcome them home. I can't show my face to my bf who is trying to hype me up. Can't talk to my "friends." Aka therapy session people. Some aren't responding. Some want to date me. I have a bf. Stop saying words. Sister judging my cooking. Judging everything I do. I'm starting to look very ugly. I'm very worried. It's the spices. I want to die. It's the screens. It's everything. I want to be dissected. I want to be trafficed and help others girls. I'm not pretty enough to ----.
😭
Bleeding me dry like a - - vampire
