The Pornstar Martini

Chapter 20

Regina kneeled down next to Emma on the street and helped the woman up. She wrapped her arms tightly around the blonde and felt the woman shudder in their embrace. She was crying louder than Regina had ever seen her do before.

Emma was trembling, while holding on tightly to Regina. "I'm s.. sorry," she muttered, through her tears. "God, I hate this."

Regina stroked Emma's back and didn't say anything. She let Emma get it all out of her system, because she knew her words wouldn't do justice to this situation.

"I'd made amends with my mother being a useless human being, incapable of love and of holding together a family." She slowly started to calm down. Regina noticed her breathing become more regular and she only sniffled. The loud crying had stopped. "That was bad enough as it is, but now I see that she.. that she can do it. She loves this boy so much she got herself together. Why.. why couldn't she love me?"

Regina still knew there was nothing she could say to Emma. Telling her her mother did love her wouldn't help, even though she was convinced of that. It also wouldn't help to say she didn't. Nothing would help Emma in this moment.

"And she named him Neal? Fuck her." Emma's muscles relaxed and Regina felt like she had to keep Emma on her feet by herself.

"I thought he was your friend?"

"You remember him?" Emma sounded a tad surprised. She seemed to regain control and looked Regina in the eyes. Regina felt her heart clench as she looked at Emma's red, puffy eyes and spotted cheeks.

"Vaguely. He always hang out with your group, right?" Regina was still holding Emma's shoulders, even though it wasn't necessary anymore. She hoped her touch would help the woman cope.

"He was two years older than us. I met him when I was fourteen and.." Emma swallowed and wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket. "I.. I've always seen him as the start of a time in my life I did not like. He was one of the few who knew about my money problems and one of the first people to.. help me out."

"You were fourteen when you first slept with someone for money?"

Emma clenched her jaw. Regina realized that the more she heard about Emma's past, the better she understood the girl's way of behaving and the more compassion she felt.

"That was around the time we ran through my dad's savings and my mother didn't know how to cope. She'd always drunk a lot, but now it got out of hand. I needed to earn money one way or the other. Neal was willing to pay me, but I felt bad just taking money. I don't like feeling treated as charity. So, I offered him myself in return."

Regina took Emma back in her arms. "Eventually it became very much a business transaction and he even helped me meet some of his friends. I don't regret it, I just don't think he is worth being named after. I hate that my mother thinks he was my friends, that she's proud of herself having remembered one name of the people I spent my youth with."

Emma was warm against her body. She wasn't shuddering anymore, she was sighing softly and leaning her head against Regina's shoulder.

"You never have to go back there, Emma. You did it, you've overcome your fear and you can let it go," Regina whispered against Emma's neck. The sweet scent of the woman was exhilarating, even though she didn't want to pay attention to it. "I can't imagine what you're going through, right now, but I want you to know it's not your fault."

Emma huffed. "Well, at this point, maybe it is."

"What?"

"I suck, Regina. Especially as a teen. I screwed you over, I literally traumatized you, I didn't give shit about myself and others and even my own mother hated me."