Letters Of Apology

Chapter 1

"Hey honey, are you alright?" my dad pretended to show some concern although I was still not sure why does he even pretend. I mean, that's not necessary when you know you don't care and you know the other person knows that as well. Stupid formalities.
"Hmmm" I know that was such a blunt answer but I can't say no and I can't say yes as well, because I was NOT alright. Who would be? I'm at my boyfriend's funeral for Pete's sake. I know that's not a very good start to a story.... But this is what life is. It throws lemons and lemons after lemons. I don't know which stage of grief I am going through, my therapist says all sorts of bullshit which I ignore, of course. As if talking or lighting candles would make everything okay. I know what people say.... It makes us feel better. For how long? A minute? A day? An hour ? Because in the end you'll realise there's nothing left instead of the hole where that someone used to be. So what I really think is my life is fucked up. I just want this ceremony to be over, very soon. Because the more I stare at his picture, I can't help but cry. And I don't cry infront of a thousand people. Never.
He's smiling, in that picture I mean, all dark grey eyes and black hair. I love his dimples, used to anyways. But even at this point , seeing his dead body lie before my eyes, I can't help but think what Phoenix must be doing. He must be practicing basketball, probably. Focused brat. But no, now that the irony of what has happened with Adrien hit me, I can't help but think if things would have been different had Phoenix not come into our lives. It wasn't his fault I fell in love with him. And it wasn't Adrien's as well. Fuck everyone, it wasn't even my fault. I can't control what I feel. People would judge me , definitely. But i don't really care, now that everything I had is gone. I know it's very dramatic to say for a sixteen year old but Adrien and I had been dating for four years. We had that perfect relationship everyone dreamt of, parents'approval, hanging out once in a while, texting, telling every small detail, and never getting bored of each other. If I could go back and change the past , be a little braver than I had, would I still be lost? Sometimes I feel even if I woke up in my dreams, would there still be something I'm missing? If I had everything, would it mean anything to me?
No....
Uhh.. the voice in my head. It always says the truth. Anyways , after the ceremony got over I went home, ran to my room, closed the door behind me, sank on the bed with the pillow Adrien gifted me , and cried. I felt every emotion inside of me. As if all of a sudden, I had the capability to feel everything, all at once. It shattered me. As I said, love can break you or make you, and trust me, most of the time, it breaks you, in ways you can't imagine.
I had already thrown all of Adrien's stuff since I can't bear the pain I feel after seeing it. It's as if his things smell the same and I can feel his presence. The only thing left of him that I still own are his letters. Handwritten, beautiful letters he used to write me back in middle school. He stopped doing it, I don't know why. Maybe he thought it wasn't cool anymore, Possibly. But all his letters had deep meanings, even for a fourteen year old.
I was about to throw his letters as well but I wanted to read them one last time. And there was one in particular which took the life out of me.

Emotion, it's the son of a bitch. I think he's right though, expressing feelings on paper did make me feel better when I started writing diary back in fifth grade.
I think I may as well write letters to him.
What am I feeling right now? Guilty, sad, sorrowful, depressed.
I think I know exactly what to write to him to make it up to him, and me.
Letters of Apology.....