Someone died a while ago and their body's been laying around.
I think it ended up somewhere in the corner or maybe under my bed, I forgot. I only ever noticed it when they should've been here but all I could find was their lifeless corpse. Shoved away to the back of my mind. We tried to ignore it, pretended it wasn't there. Pretended they were still alive. Like that would change anything. We tried our best to go about our days like we'd always done. Going through the daily motions of the days when they were still here. They're gone.
I remember that I used to like being around you. I liked touching you and hearing your voice. But it got easier to ignore the shrivelled carcass once I was not. I used to hope that any day now they'd just get up again and we'd finally be able understand each other again. I pretended not to notice how hard it had gotten to spend time with you without them around. Because their presence was the only reason people like us ever even got along.
Their absence left empty gaps in the air, craving to be filled. With something. Their name would have been a start but instead we stuffed it with resentment and mistrust. It's not that we didn't know what the four letters would have been. It's just that those letters have begun to taste like poison in my mouth. And you must have felt the same because I can't remember the last time I've heard them from you. An ever-expanding silence. We both knew it had been ages since either of us had said it last. Not knowing would make it easier to get it out.
You never mentioned their death, but I guess neither did I. I didn't want to be the one to have to call the time. I didn't want to have to carry that burden. I didn't want them to truly be gone. All this time I had hoped they were just asleep. Lying to myself that all they needed was a quick nap.
But it's been quite a long nap now hasn't it.
It was about time we put the body away.
I don't know exactly what day it was when I decided they were dead. But I know it was long before that day you asked me to meet you in the park. It must have been ages ago. Although I'm beginning to think it wasn't soon enough. Until that fateful afternoon I walked towards you in that lush grass they'd simply been laying around. Rotting and poisoning the air. Filling my head with thoughts I never thought I could have. All because I just hadn't gotten to it yet. Hadn't gotten the time to figure out what to say. Hadn't admitted to myself the numbness that gripped me. Hadn't found the courage to start digging that hole. I wasn't ready to pick up that shovel yet. I was scared of what would happen if I did. But something had to be done. The air got too thick to breathe. And I was suffocating in my own denial.
I don't know when they died to you. I'm guessing it's been a while as well. All I know is that in the end, we buried them together after all. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you. I'm gratefull you were with me on that day we met in the park. When we picked out a nice place for them to rest. I'm proud of us. I'm proud that we found kind words to finally commemorate their death. And I'm glad we reminisced on the fun times we'd had. What a grown up thing to do. I thought about the good times again during those minutes. What a hell of a ride we'd had, the three of us together. It just was never the same again after I realised, they were gone for good.
You actually made me smile again on that afternoon. I hope I did too. I liked the way we ended it. It was like old times somehow even though it was not. With one last joined effort we put them to rest. I'm glad we were able to agree on a beautiful spot, peaceful and quiet. I know you'd call me crazy, but for just a second I thought I saw them again. For a fleeting moment I could swear I heard their voice. But maybe you noticed it too, maybe that was the reason your smile felt so real when we said goodbye.
Our funeral was today. And though it took some time and your help, today when I got home, I was finally ready to accept that you'd died too. Not the you that I watched walk away today but the one that existed only with me. You're gone and you've been for quite a while. You must have died along side them back then. Just like the body I tried to ignore it. But you were no longer there.
I knew the day would come eventually when I'd have to admit you were gone. See you for the corpse you'd become. A ghost of who I knew. I just hadn't been ready to let you go yet. Call it pride or stubbornness, but I liked pretending it was still you answering me when we spoke. I so badly wanted to believe that if kept looking at you the way I used to I'd see you again. See that lover again that's standing next to me in the polaroid pictures on my wall and who's name is signed at the bottom of all those beautiful letters you wrote me. God, If I could just breathe back the life into that empty shell their death left of you.
They're underground now. And you died alongside them a long time ago.
It's about time I put you away too. I'll do you the honours and give you one last night. A night where I go around my room one last time to collect all of your scattered remains. All the little things that still remind me of you. All the memories we made together. I can reminisce on them for a while that's fine, just not too long. I've spent enough time dwelling on the past.
Once everything is laid out on my bed and each item has been looked at, touched one last time, I'll finally have the courage to put you in a box. Not a wooden one, I don't have time to get one like that. It'll be an ordinary one I think, maybe one we used for shoes. It doesn't matter what I put you in, for now all it needs to do is keep you out of sight. Let the small snippets that I have left of you slowly decay somewhere where I can forget about them over time. I know you won't care about the box you're burried in, I doubt you will ever see it. What matters is the things I'll put inside. I'll fill that box with all the love and memories that used to be you, that used to be us. Pour my heart out until every nook is filled. I'll pray the carboard will hold.
After the lid is back on, I'll Write your name on it along with our date. A beginning to which I will now put an end. I'll add the date of today.
Maybe someday I'll revisit this box with nostalgia in mind. Maybe I'll throw it out. We'll see wha the future holds.
But all that's left then and there is to tuck you away. Somewhere I won't have to see you for quite some time. I don't have such a beautiful spot but I'll try to find a quiet one. For your resting place. Although, this one I'll have to choose by myself. I promise I'll think about it a while. Somewhere safe where you can peacefully sleep.
I'm sure I'll miss you in the time to come. I can't tell how much yet. Probably a little more than I'd like to admit. I'll try not to beat myself up about it. It's time for you go and time for your remains to finally be put away.
I'll pick up the box. It might rattle a little and maybe I'll cry. No, I'm sure I'll cry, but I guess this counts as your funeral so it's fine. I think I'll feel relieved after all is said and done. I'll get to cry about you and grieve our loss. But I know eventually, together with the good, I'll get to forget the bad times too. At the end of the day when I'll finally fall asleep, they'll both be gone. Buried with you, somewhere sleeping in the corner under my Bed.
