one morning where the skies are clear, your mind's fresh, your coffee's smell is everywhere around the place
you sit & disconnect from the world around you, completely.
you stare at the ceiling for a moment, but then that moment turns into an hour, you disconnect from the world that surrounds you, to pay more attention to the world within you.
you start thinking, wondering & asking yourself
"how did i get here after all?"
"how did i survive so many lonely breathless nights all on my own?"
"why did it all go that way?"
"where am i heading next?"
"is that what i really want?"
and so, the questioning goes on, then you start feeling this wave of anxiety rushing from afar, from the darkest spot in the back of your mind, heading & spreading bit by bit to your body, part by part, until it reaches your heart, so it goes like
"there's no answer to all this, perhaps i'm not gonna take any step forward" then the questions starts turning into silence.
negativity starts to fill in the voids of your mind, takes place of the weakest spots, the spots that have been feeding on your words, the words you say to yourself at night right before you sleep, how you survived that day, you didn't live it, and how glad you are that it finally came to an end.
you forgot that tomorrow is another day, another morning, a different chance than the day before, a different state of mind, a whole new emotions could be waiting for you, because of the unknown, but that unknown is what we fear the most, isn't it?
buddha said "each morning we are born again.
what we do today is what matters most"
but our systems are already full & filled with darkness, plot twists from the year before, unplanned scenarios, shattered pieces left of us, eternal scars, childhood traumas and many more things.
so how do we believe that the day after is a different one?
that it might be the one that ends our misery and mute the voices inside our heads?
we simply live it, live every emotion as it is, if we're sad, then we're sad; we don't have to convince ourselves otherwise just to keep something going, we can still manage to keep it going without lying to ourselves, it's okay to not be okay, sometimes; because that's the actual only way to becoming okay again.
anything we run from will keep chasing us, haunting us, we carry it within us unconsciously for as long as we live, no matter how much time passes, when we become so good at hiding things & our emotions becomes hideous, the deepest of our emotions, that's the real misery, that's when it takes longer to heal, to confess, to believe.
part of healing is going through the emotion exactly as it is, how it truly feels like to you, no matter who tells you "you're exaggerating"
"that's overreacting"
"you're being dramatic"
"that's too much"
no.
it's never too much.
it's nothing even close to that.
you're allowed to feel things the way your heart tells you to feel it, and there's to be ashamed of.
we don't feel things like one another, we feel differently, the grief is different, that's exactly why we heal differently.
it's okay to start all over again, to think of healing even though you think it's too late, it's better late than never.
you have to take that road one way or another, try not to make it the hard way; so the earlier the better, and by earlier i mean the moment you realize you have to take it, healing anyways isn't linear, it doesn't have to happen at a specific time, nor event. it happens when you feel it, when you see that you should heal, most importantly when you're ready to take a completely different road than the one you were taking.
it's time for you to change your destination, so the next time you stare at the ceiling, your heart feels calmer, your thoughts doesn't race like that anymore, and there will be no more room for negativity, by healing you'll destroy & remove that door where negative emotions/thoughts once used to knock on.
you'll get to enjoy your coffee while it's hot, smell some fresh air without that indescribable pain in your stomach because your demons wants to feed on some negativity this morning.
you'll have better mornings.
it's good to have company, one that feels like family, like home, but remember, it'll all start & end with you, within you. at the end of every day, all that you've truly got, is yourself.
so make yourself your home, quit making homes out of people, because you'll end up homeless one day.
make yourself a home, decorate it the way you like it to be. focus on the details. but also know that you can't decorate that home in a day, nor a week.
it'll take sometime, it could take a really long time actually. but that shouldn't make you feel bad about it, instead be happy with every step you're taking towards decorating it. even if that step is the very first step towards figuring out what "home" means, even if you still haven't figured out how you're gonna decorate it.
know that, when the time is right, when you're ready, you'll be the only one decorating it, beautifully.
and it'll be breathtaking to you & everyone else that gets to meet you, they'll fall in love with each detail, and then you'll be able to tell stories of how you decorated it, how much time, effort it took you, but you'll end up smiling because every step was worth it.
rest, try as much as you can to rest your head, you'll have it figured out, you'll move forward, you'll be okay, you'll heal, you'll become what you've always been seeking.
and remember to feed yourself with the right words, even if you don't think you deserve any of them.
speak them out to yourself until you feel you actually deserve them.
there's no such a thing of someone who's unworthy, we're all worthy and we worth a lot, sometimes the darkness of our minds blindfolds us, and our anxiety tricks us into thinking that we're worthless, but i promise one day, you'll discover the truth about you, you'll know how much you're worthy and you'll win that inner war you've been fighting all alone for years.
the sun will shine bright in the most dimmed spots of your mind again, you'll begin to see life differently, yourself beautifully, healthier choices will be made & it'll all be okay again, we fall only to learn how to stand up, but properly.
may we all get to enjoy the journey, find ourselves, fall in love with who we really are, figure the things we need to do sooner, live, i wholeheartedly hope we all get to live not just exist.
