Trauma - Skephalo

Chapter 9: Decision

I wake up in my bed. After crying yesterday, I decided to go to bed late at night. I struggle to sit up as I don't feel any energy in me despite the fact that I slept. As I look at my clock, I see that it's- 11!? What the- I know I slept late but I expected myself to wake up at the usual time to attend class. Fudge- I'm late. I must've forgotten to put my alarm. Why didn't Zak wake me up? Wait... he must probably think that I still don't want to talk to him, which is partly true- but he should've still woken me up! Unless he didn't go to class?

I get up, and before doing my morning routine, I decide to leave my room first to see if Zak is still at the dorm. I go to the kitchen and notice a paper on the table. I go up to it and read it. It says, "Morning Darryl, I know you're asking yourself why I didn't wake you up. I honestly think that you were too tired since I didn't see you immediately up this morning. Don't bother coming to school, I believe you need some rest and time to think for yourself. I'll just tell the others that you feel a bit sick today. I hope that we get a chance to when I arrive at the dorm later today... I hope you're not mad at me. -Zak"

I feel my heart warm up but also have a ping of pain and guilt. This guy is too sweet towards me. Do I even deserve him? (Yes. Yes, you do hun, considering your past. You deserve as much happiness as you can get.) I'll think about that later. Right now, I should make some food for myself.

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After I ate, I decided to use my time wisely to finish some extra work and study a bit. After that, I went to the living room and played some random movie. But honestly, I couldn't pay attention to the movie as my mind was somewhere else. It came to the point where I just wanted to really think and concentrate on my thoughts as I turned off the TV. I started to think about my options and possibilities for when Zak arrives and we get to talk.

But what I really need to decide right now is if I want to have a more intimate relationship with Zak. As I think about it, my mind drifts off to when we kissed. I feel my cheeks becoming slightly red as I remember how it felt to have his lips on mine. He was so gentle with it, and it wasn't rough at all. It was probably the sweetest and most gentle kiss I've ever had. It honestly made me feel nice. But... what if I'm just imagining these feelings and they're not actually real? Just like what I found out soon after I broke up with my last relationship. What if I just end up suffering more and my scars open up once more? But then again, Zak has been the most caring and thoughtful person I've met for a long time. What if... it could work out? What if I manage to get rid of my scars because of him? ...

Perhaps... I can give a chance to love one last time. But, this time, I'm not going to let myself fall in love so quickly, just like last time. This time, I'm going to take it slow and slowly let my feelings grow and not just jump into it. Just in case this relationship does end up being a bad choice, I won't be as hurt as last time. Until I make sure that he has no intention of ever hurting me, I won't let myself fall in love.

But what if Zak actually doesn't have feelings for me, or he doesn't want to date me? I guess if that's the case, then there's no need to risk my mental health again, and we can talk it out, possibly ignore the incident, and move past it. Because even though I don't know how Zak may be like as a lover, considering that shortly after I befriended him he broke up with his girlfriend back in high-school, so their relationship only lasted for a few months, and same with other relationships that Zak has mentioned to me. (Since Zak never got another lover after meeting Darryl 🤭) One thing for sure is that Zak is an amazing friend, and I don't want to lose that.

I guess my mind is made up now. Now all I have to do is wait for Zak to arrive. I let myself wander off in my thoughts for a few minutes until I heard the creak of a door open, making me jump in my seat. I look back to see Zak coming through the front door. Zak stands still, looking at me for a moment at the doorway with an indescribable face. He's then snapped out of his thoughts and quickly shuts and locks the door behind him before walking up to me. The way that he walks up to me somehow intimidates me from how serious he looks. It makes my nerves rise a bit as without thinking, I abruptly stand up.

Zak stops in his tracks after my sudden action. I see his gaze soften a bit as I think he realizes how he must have startled me. He tries again and starts walking to me again, but at a slower and calmer pace than before. Even though this must have calmed me down, it actually spike up my nerves even more as both my body and mind were telling me to run away, that he's faking his sentiment, and that he doesn't mean well. But for once in a long time, I ignore it, and instead decide to listen to my heart as it encourages me to talk to him, make amends, possibly recover what we may have lost, and maybe even manage to end up with more than what we already had.

Once Zak stops in front of me, I look down as I fiddle with my hands. Then Zak takes a step closer to me, getting right in front of my face as I look up at him. I squeeze my hands tightly together as I brace myself for whatever is about to come. But a complete opposite from what I was expecting, Zak said in a low, soft voice, "Darryl, how do you feel?"

"Wait- what?"

"I want to understand you. So tell me, how do you feel?"

I stay silent for a moment. I then ask, "I thought you wanted to know why I acted that way..."

"If you tell me your honest feelings about the whole situation, I may come to understand why you did that."

His response shocked me even more. Normally, people just start with asking 'why did you do that' or 'what's wrong', rather than straight up asking for all your feelings in the situation. This just makes me realize even more what a great person Zak is. But yet, answering the question makes me anxious. I ask, "Don't- you want to talk about your feelings as well...? I was the one who pushed you away..."

"I think you already know how I feel, Darryl."

We stay silent for a moment as I examine his expression. Yes- I have an idea of his feelings, but I can never be too sure. Almost as if Zak read my mind, he says, "Yes, I like you. And yes, what you did hurt me, but I want to understand you."

This guy... I really don't deserve him. I feel my heart sting with pain and guilt from how broken he looks. How is he not mad at me? I start feeling tears on my eyes, and I see Zak's expression get slightly surprised. I take a deep breath and say, "Look, Zak, I'm being honest when I say that I... I like you too, but- I didn't want to catch feelings for anyone. Least of all you, because I didn't want our friendship to be at risk. At first, I was willing to just ignore my feelings and move on, but I don't think that will be very easy after we kissed. I- I don't know about what to do with our relationship, I'll leave that up to you, but I just want you to know that I'm so sorry...!"

I feel some tears run down my eyes as I lower my head to look down. I can't bear to see his face right now, and yet, Zak gently lifted up my head to look at him for me to just see tears threatening to leave his eyes. He chuckles before he says, "I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling that way. I was also very worried about the risk of our friendship after I caught feelings for you."

He wipes some tears from my cheeks. He then says, "But even so, I wanted to try to give us a chance, and I still do. So Darryl, if you are willing to, can you please be my boyfriend?"

My breath hitched from his words. And yet, I felt my heart swell up with relief as I felt a smile form on my mouth. I then said, "Yes... I would like that."

Zak's eyes lit up after what I said. He wiped his own tears before leaning down towards me. He stopped just in front of my lips so I can feel his breath on me. He then asks, "May I?"

"Yes..."

As soon as the word left my mouth, Zak placed his lips onto mine. He caressed my face with both of his hands while I rested my hands on his chest. The kiss was still gentle like the first time, but you could feel the passion and want in the kiss. Once we broke the kiss, Zak looked me in the eye and smiled. I smiled back. He then gently pulled into a hug. I accepted it and hugged him back. I felt myself lean into his touch as I rested my head on his shoulder. I really hope that this kind of relationship works out. Zak then places a small kiss on my head and whispers out, "Thank you, Darryl..."