Just Press Ctrl Z

Chapter 17.1

~I'm at home

~I think we should clear things up

~Text me back when you're free

Raine lay sprawled across his bed, his feet just grazing the floor, and his fingers hesitating above the keyboard, fixated on the text messages displayed on his phone's screen. Holding his phone high above his face, eyes locked on the screen, he waited anxiously for Zen to reply as if his entire world depended on receiving at least one reply from her. Feeling the weight of the unresolved situation pressing down on him, he finally gave up and quickly cleared the screen before opening Google.

Raine hesitated, his fingers pausing briefly over his phone's keyboard before typing "homophobia" into the search bar. Embarrassment crept over him like a shadow, knowing he was about to delve into a topic he had avoided for far too long.

The search engine promptly loaded a list of results, and he took a deep breath.

He had never truly confronted his own biases and ignorance before, and now, he was doing so because of Zen. The thoughts eventually led him into a deep exploration. Heart racing, he found himself clicking on various articles, watching documentaries, and reading personal stories from LGBTQ+ individuals.

As he scrolled, an interesting paragraph from an article caught his attention:

In certain situations, some heterosexual men who show signs of homophobia might actually be grappling with feelings of uncertainty about their own sexual identity. These individuals tend to be apprehensive about forming deep emotional connections with gay men, especially if they become exceptionally close friends. The reason behind this fear lies in a misconception that such close relationships could potentially influence or alter their own sexual orientation. In reality, sexual orientation is a deeply ingrained aspect of a person's identity and is not influenced by close friendships or relationships. So, this fear often stems from a misunderstanding of how sexual identity truly works.

It was like a spotlight shining on the most uncomfortable corners of his mind. Raine couldn't help but recall Zen's piercing words and a part of him wanted to vehemently deny any connection between his behaviour and what he was reading. "I'm not homophobic," he muttered to himself, almost defensively. But I...

His cheeks flushed with warmth, and his heartbeat quickened as his thoughts circled back to Zen. "Why does just thinking about him make me feel like this?" Raine said to himself. The mere thought of Zen — oh that smile, that laughter, that voice — sent a rush of exhilaration through his veins. "I... I think I have feelings for Zen."

"What if I'm not ready for this?" he whispered, his voice wavering.

Raine could almost hear Zen's voice in his mind, her earlier words echoing with painful clarity, "It's about empathy and acceptance. If you're so secure in your own identity, then why does accepting others make you so uncomfortable?"

A knot of guilt and shame tightened in his chest. "I've caused him so much pain," Raine admitted to himself, "and I might do it again."

He replayed their conversations in his head, dissecting each word as if searching for hidden clues.

"Wait," his thoughts stopped abruptly. "Zen also mentioned something like he was a girl, but what if he meant it differently?" Raine mused aloud. "When Zen said, I am a woman, he could've meant, I am a woman trapped in a man's body, or something equally perplexing. Maybe he didn't mean it the way I thought, no, hoped it did. Maybe he was just trying to avoid any further argument or confrontation. Yeah, that's it. It makes sense. I've known him for so long as a guy, and suddenly he claims to be a girl? It's got to be a misunderstanding."