Find the light to face someday / purinz

By heart

As she slowly recovers from her panic attack she looks for her phone and dials a number she already knows by heart. It feels selfish, incredibly selfish, and like a mistake that she'll regret committing but the leader calls Yunjin with still slightly shaking hands. She needs to get the comfort of hearing the girl's voice — even if she's not physically here with her, her voice alone is enough to soothe Chaewon's heart. What is she thinking, calling her in the middle of the night? Has Chaewon always been this selfish? Yunjin must be exhausted from a day of hard work and now she's here adding another burden on her.

Before she could overthink again and hang up, Yunjin accepts the call (at an impressive and kind of concerning speed given the fact that it's in the middle of the night and she should be sleeping). "Chaewonnie?"

There's silence for a short moment before Chaewon decides that it makes no sense to hang up on her when Yunjin is already awake and she finally speaks up. "Yunjin-ah" She tries to make her voice sound as normal and okay as possible but she fails.

"What's wrong, unnie?" Of course Yunjin would pick up on the strange sound of her voice after a single word spoken out loud. Of course she would worry for the girl who has been less than fair and not particularly the kindest towards her in the past weeks — it's Huh Yunjin, after all.

"I'm...okay, don't worry" Who is she kidding? Chaewon tries to keep her voice down to not wake up her parents. There's a deep breath audible on the other line before Yunjin responds.

"Unnie" It sounds like disapproval is laced in her voice. "You know it's okay if you're not okay, right? You don't have to be fine. You don't sound fine. Unnie, you can tell me when you're not feeling good, whether it's physically or mentally"

Tears form themselves in Chaewon's eyes and the girl lets out a shaky breath. "Fuck...I just" She starts crying again now and feels a mild amount of embarrassment about it. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to cry again" The girl admits after a while and she can just make out the quiet 'again?' that leaves the other girl's mouth. "It's okay. Cry it out, baby, I'm here for you"

The pet name would make her heart flutter in any other moment but right now the panic is just too much for her to possibly feel anything else. She tries to calm down again and listens to her member slowly counting down with her, trying to get her breathing to an even and normal rhythm again. Once she's done Chaewon dries her tears and looks at her phone, shocked when she sees that they've been calling for a bit more than twenty minutes already.

Guilt makes its way into her and she can't believe that Yunjin wasted her precious time on calming down the mess that Chaewon was instead of getting her well deserved rest.

"I'm okay now, thank you. Yunjinnie, isn't it way too late though? I'm sorry for keeping you up" She wants to hide herself under her pillow, the guilt and shame inside of her being almost overwhelming, but feels kind of stupid about it given the fact that no one is here to see her do it. If only Yunjin was a little more selfish: if only she'd say something along the lines of 'You're right, you've been keeping me up long enough, go and figure out your problems on your own and let me sleep' — but no, that's not how the girl is; instead of telling her off (whether it's in a kind way or rude way) she stays on the call.

"That's nonsense, don't apologize for something like that. You're more important than sleep to me, okay?" Yunjin sounds so serious about it and Chaewon is left with the feeling of not being deserving of her love and care once more.

"I shouldn't be though" She can't help herself from replying. She can practically visualize the way Yunjin's face expression turns into one of a disapproving frown as she says "You should be and you are. Don't decide how I should feel for you"

"...Alright. Sorry" Chaewon is too exhausted to argue about this. Besides, she doesn't want to argue with the other girl right now (or ever, really).

"And stop apologizing" Yunjin adds after the words leave the leader's mouth. It gets a small laugh out of Chaewon that's still too loud given the fact that it's three am. The next words that slip out of her mouth surprise even herself. "God, I miss you so much"

There's a piercing moment of silence on the other line and Chaewon wonders if she fucked up everything (if Yunjin perhaps understood just how non-platonic Chaewon meant these words and figured out the feelings she has for her) but then Yunjin replies something equally heart fluttering. "I miss you too. So much, you can't even imagine"

"Oh but I think I can. I probably miss you more than you miss me" Competitiveness gets the best of the leader but it's mostly a joke, playful bantering between them.

"How could you possibly know that?" Both girls giggle and Chaewon's heart feels much lighter already. It's the effect Yunjin has on her: she's someone who always manages to get her mood up. It's the effect Yunjin has on everyone, really.

"Do you want to talk about why you were crying?" Yunjin asks after they've calmed down from laughing and giggling with a bit of banter and teasing in between. Chaewon can instantly feel the way the atmosphere changes. "I just felt...overwhelmed, I guess. I thought a lot. I thought too much and it made me panic like that"

Yunjin hums. "What did you think about, if you're comfortable with sharing? You don't have to go into detail, just maybe a broader topic"

"Just everything. My hiatus, our group, my former group and how I felt when we parted ways"

"Are you scared of having to part ways with us, too?"

Chaewon takes a deep breath. When the period of silence tells Yunjin that Chaewon is not going to respond to that question she lets out a sympathetic sound. "Sorry. You don't have to answer that"

"Okay...You should go to sleep, you're going to be so tired tomorrow"

"You too. Good night, love" This time the usage of a pet name actually makes Chaewon's heart rate speed up and she fights away a blush that no one would be around to see anyway.

"Good night" She replies before deciding to be a bit more open and sentimental — maybe it's because it's easier to get like this in such a late hour. "Thank you for this: being with me and helping me to calm down, that is. I miss you a lot"

"There's nothing to thank me for but I'll accept your thanks anyways. I love you and miss you too, Chaewonnie. Would you want to see me?"

"You know it's not that easy, seeing you and all that" 'and I'm trying to get over you which isn't really working and I fear seeing you would make it harder' she thinks but doesn't say.

"But would you want to?"

"Of course"

"Mmh. Good night, dream of me" Yunjin sounds playful and amused as she says it and it's obviously meant to be a joke but the thing is that Chaewon might actually dream of her. It's been happening more often than not lately. The girl doesn't know that though and Chaewon is not about to tell her.

"You wish. Good night to you too"

They end the call and Chaewon's heart yearns for the other girl. It yearns so much that it's hard to push the feeling away. She sighs, turning around and hoping that the change of position will help her fall asleep faster. It doesn't and when she eventually falls asleep she sees Yunjin in her dream — just like she expected to, really — which makes her feel much better even as she feels slightly disappointed to wake up to an empty spot next to her in bed.