THROUGH THE CHAOS

Athena's Hidden World

Fears of being alone. Doubts and insecurities. Feeling discontented. Unplanned future. Mistakes and failures. Everything has no assurance, no guarantee.

Undue haste of loneliness. Countless drops of frustration. Exhausting series of emptiness. Continuous chasing for academic validation.

When everything seems to fall, how will you stand up for your goal? When everything seems to tire you, how will you find a sanctuary of comfort and peace? When everything seems to stop you from keep going, how will you know the possibilities and consequences?

Hi, it's me. Welcome to my life, and welcome to my mind. Full of doubts and failures, with a cup of mistakes and restlessness. A nice combination for a thing called "life".

Athena Claire Garcia, 20. Lost herself for ages, cannot be found. Has broken dreams, has a faded smile. Missed her soul, tired of fighting. What to do for living: overthinking. Expertise: surviving. 

Growing up as an only child who was neglected and abandoned by her own parents, everything in my life had shattered. I was left with my grandparents and cousins. They didn't make me feel incomplete at all. But at night, I still wonder what changes could have been if they were beside me. The echoes of longing and belongingness made me contemplate my existence.

Pushing myself to do better. Forcing myself to fit into my own standard. Always yearning for academic validation. Because who am I without the recognition I receive? Who am I without those books and knowledge? Who am I without the beauty that was given by Him? Who am I without the capability to read and write? Who am I without the talent bestowed on me, music. Who am I if I don't learn the sports I play? I was nothing but a tiny piece of broken glass, insignificant and worthless.

I have my grandparents whom I love and truly treasured me. I have my friends I can trust and cherish. I have all of them, the best people to mention that I could never asked for more. But who am I without them? Who am I if I am alone? Who am I if I don't reach out to them? Who am I if I never met them? I was nothing but a little shadow of my past, still haunted and unmarked. 

A planned future will never be my thing. Some people I know already build their plans in their creative minds, but where are they now? The universe did not align with them. Their tangled fate echoes all over the corner of their castdown heads. So, it's better to just seize the moment and be happy with where I am right now. That was what I thought.

Ironic. Always preaching for genuine happiness, always longing for an unbreakable connection, yet it ends up disappointing. I can be happy, but it can't last. I can be proud but humbled too fast. Look who's playing with me. 

Unheard voices. Unspoken thoughts. Unseen efforts. It was just me, in the cycle of overthinking and blaming myself for no reason all over again.

The internet says we shouldn't listen to those voices whispering in our ears, telling us to do horrible things, think negatively, or simply give up. I constantly fight against all of these odds. But no one told me that it was going to be okay. That I will be okay. Life is overwhelming; I feel lost and alone.

Some days I want to venture to the end of the rainbow and personally see the pot of gold, some days I only want to shower in the rain and pray to wash all the intricate thoughts. Some days I want to sip coffee with a happy and bright smile, but some days I only want to doze off in my bed and pray to remove and forget all the negativity inside my head. Some days I want to go outside and travel the beauty of the world, some days I only want to lie down and stare at the ceiling. Some days it's all crazy and fun, some days I only want to be caged in my room and have my own accompany. Some days I am holding on to those dreams, some days I just find myself barely hanging on.

Looking back, all I can remember is how selfish I was. I never think of HER. I never think of what could possibly happen to HER. I never think of what she could feel. I was selfish to myself. I never gave her an opportunity to heal and regain herself immediately. What an act of losing my own self.

I distance myself from all of them. I trust that I was making progress out of a simple process. I tried to see the view of the real world. I looked for the beauty of it. I tried to unleash the hidden parts of me I never knew I had. Then, I learned that I am mending. After years of pulling myself out of the dungeon of fears and unwavering worries, I finally healed. I recovered.

When nobody notices that you are making progress, be proud of yourself. Believe in YOU when everyone else doesn't believe in you. Relapses may come but remember that we are allowed to be vulnerable. It is okay. It will always be part of it. It's okay if you feel unmoved.

It is okay to feel worried. You don't have to force things to put according to what you just want. It is okay if you just want to escape and let go of the things that keep stopping you from moving forward. It is okay if you're only trying to get better. What's not okay is to remain broken and unfixed. It is not okay to stay where you fall down. It is not okay to drown yourself in these thoughts. It is not okay to contemplate whether your tears are real or not. It is not okay to never move.

Escape. Let go. Be free. Cherish every good memory. Find your peace. Heal yourself. Be grateful for what you have and what you can have. Do every good thing you wish for. Someday, everything will be okay. Soon you'll get better.

And at the end of the day, it will always be God who makes us strong. He made us retrieve the strength and confidence that was stolen from us a long time ago. And we were never alone. He was always there, waiting for us to call Him. It is Him. It will always be Him.

Once again, this is Athena Claire Garcia, 28. Lost herself for ages, already found. Has every victory, has the sunniest smile. Hugged her soul, continued fighting. What to do for a living: an advocate. Expertise: inspiring.