In the stars

Spaceman and the shooting stars: Part 2: Sprinkles and dust

I was so confused on what you meant, so far my life was nothing but a disappointment and every person I knew was better without me. At least that's what I thought. It was all too much to think about. Spaceman, aliens and space travel sure I could comprehend that but the fact I myself had a reason to live, the fact I myself was important seemed impossible. I think maybe I understand what you meant better now.

"I feel sick" All this information made my stomach churn. I feel bad for the poor woman who made that cupcake, because now it'd be all over her toilet. I got up and tried stumbling towards the bathroom but you chased after me, carrying me there. Spewing it all over myself you held my hair back and rubbed my back. "Let it all out" The smell of the sludge in the toilet stank of rubbing alcohol, sour milk and rotten fruit. You got up and handed me some toilet roll to wipe my mouth. "Why are you being so nice to me" I looked up at you tying my hair with a scrunchie I don't remember having. "Because everyone is important including you" You tried taking my Jean jacket off but I held back resisting. "Don't worry I won't judge, but you need to cool down, your gonna get a fever if you keep that on. I stopped resisting and you took off my jacket, placing it against the sink. Then you sat down with me and looked at my face.... Then down at my arms. "How long have you been doing that?" My arm was covered in cuts and gashes, burns and scars.  "Since I was 13...." You grabbed my arm and look at some new ones, they were still bleeding. "How old are these?" You took off the old plaster which made me flinch "sorry about that" I looked down. "Around about an hour ago" I looked away at the wall behind you, this was really awkward. "I'm gonna dress it with a better bandage... one second" You pulled out a lot of objects in your pocket, weird gadgets, bananas, paper clips and a screwdriver, a lot of those shouldn't be able to fit in there but that's the least of my worries. "Why did you start... if you mind me asking. Also this might hurt, it's antiseptic" Dabbing the wipe on my skin made me wince but you did it slowly always looking up to see if I was ok. "I have a lot of anger... um.. sometimes it eats me up inside and I guess this is all I can do to get it out" You look up and nod. You understood what I meant... no one else did. " That anger is good, anger is good but you to hold on to it and fuel it for change, if I didn't have that anger I wouldn't carry on trying to save the universe." You placed some gauze on my wounds and started wrapping up my arm. " I wish I could but that anger just ends up self destructive and ruining everything around me" You tried up my bandage and pass me a water bottle. "Drink up otherwise that hangover of yours will be brutal." You pick up my jacket and gently put it on. "You'll find a way to channel it, but I can't tell you how because everyone channels it differently" You stand up and reach your hand. "I wanna show you something" I take a moment to breathe and I grab your hand. We walk out the bathroom and the cafe worker comes over. "You guys okay?" She looks very concerned but I see her stare behind me at the bathroom, I think she was more worried about the clean up when we leave. "Yeah.. we sorted it all out, she feels better now" I nod and smile, you go over to ask for the bill while I wait outside to light up a cig. That cigarette break made me think about what would happen next and what's happened these past hours. I don't know if you'll remember but later on I admitted to you why I was on the balcony and what led up to it.

"Finish your cigarette and then we'll go" You walked towards the tardis and stood there excitedly waiting for me, I watched you fidget with your fingers and dance around with your feet. It was sort of like watching a toddler. I take three more drags and twist the but into the concrete, watching it's glow diminish. "COME ON!" You dash in and I follow you in. You point at me to sit on those beige seats as you sprint around each lever, buttons and turn tables around the tardis. "And lift off!" I smile, I've always wanted to see something new after 5 years of the same old life. I couldn't stop tapping my feet like an impatient child ready for the journey to be over so I could see space with my own two eyes. Space, a thing we know is real but a thing most humans will never see with there own two eyes. "Hold on tight!" You switch one last button and hold onto the edge of the table as the tardis starts to rattle, bobbing us about like a marble in a cup. I don't think I've smiled so much in a day until I met you. This might be the last time I ever get to write to you or even have the chance to say this but... I love you. I've loved you more than anyone in my life or anything in the universe. Anyways...

All across the stars we went, well not all of them. When the tardis stopped you reached for my hand once more. "Jesus your shaking" You laughed and I smiled. "Well I am about to see a whole new planet, something I didn't think I'd ever see" We walk towards the door together and you pick up two helmets. "We will need these in order to breathe" You put one on my head and start fiddling with a switch in the side and then you adjust your own. "Welcome to the universe.." You swing open the door and my eyes were instantly glue.

"We're on the moon!" I exclaimed. You grab my hand and walk out together. "What the fuck, I feel like I'm tripping" I squeezed your hand and lean against your shoulder. "You humans miss out on so much sometimes" You put your arm around my shoulder. "I was about to leave that place.... My home.. earth. The things I would've missed out" You rest your head against mine. "In my 900 years of living, I've had my ups and downs, seen the most beautiful things but also the worst things in the universe, I've met so many amazing beings and also lost the most important people close to me. In those years of living I've realised I can't experience one without the other, in order to be happy you must also be sad." I looked over to you. "Your 900 years old, damn you look fine for 900" I placed my hand on your cheek and you smirk, shrugging off my statement. "All that anger and pain has been the reason I keep on, gives me the energy to fight" You placed your hand on my cheek. "Do a favour for me Audrey" I looked into your eyes. "Yeah..." I answered. "Don't give up, not on your life and not on me" You had this desperation in your eyes, like the whole world depended on it... and it did.  I nod and I start shedding a tear, I had to kiss you... so I did. That kiss was the most passionate kiss I've ever had, most of my kisses were just for the sake of kissing someone, or lousy or half hearted but this was real. So so real. It felt like a need. "Do you know the reason why I was stood on the balcony?" I looked away and stared back at the earth below, it's so beautiful when you see the full picture. "No.. you never told me" I shuffle even closer, we were pressed up skin to skin. "My dad died... it was exam day when he died, I didn't really like him but the fact he was my dad hurt so bad. I could never get a dad again and it was wasted. I guess I've always been a sensitive person but his death mixed with never having a partner and not making friends at uni and then falling into grief mid way through uni hurt bad. I started cutting myself when I was a kid because of the stress of school and the urges came back again but this time I had no one to tell me no or pull me out of it all, so I just kept going. I had isolated the rest of my family and lost everyone I cared about, I'm sure you understand how that feels." I felt your head nod up and down. "All too well" You squeezed my hand. "The loneliness just built and built and one day I stopped feeling connected to anything, everything was irrelevant to me, nothing mattered, all I wanted was someone to hold me, that's all. So I overheard about a party and decided to rebrand myself today and I guess it didn't work because no one really seemed to want to keep a conversation with me, so I got drunk. That last bit of hope gone and went to this random balcony in middle of a random city not knowing anyone and I was so ready to leave this place, unseen, unheard until you.... You saw me" I teared up again and you held me. I felt so safe.
  "I've seen you for a while... I lied. I planned to save you." My head lifted up, I had my face scrunched up not sure if I was angry or surprised. I was speechless, no words could come out. "I told you, you are important... in the future you save the world. Listen I have something for you" My face softened and I turn back towards you as you scavenged through your pockets. You pull out a necklace with a locket attached. "Don't open this until you know you'll need me again, I haven't got much time left with you right now but as soon as you save the world at the right time, I'll see you again as much as you want. And that's a promise." You attached the locket onto my neck. "Promise me you'll only open it when the world needs me, when you well and truly need me?" "I promise" I hugged you one last time. Before I go there may be a chance my memory will be erased, use this pen to write me a letter... it has to be a letter about how we met, otherwise I won't be able to remember you, use as much detail as you can" I take the pen and place it into my pocket. " I will"

"I love you Audrey Sector" I love you too doctor. I've opened the locket, the shooting stars on the weather forecast aren't shooting but exploding. They're dying out. Every single one, like a fucking broken lightbulb. Like the earth has this power cut. I need you doctor, I need you now. Earth does and so do I, I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm waiting for you.

-Audrey