Alexithymia

黑猫

Sometimes I feel it creeping in, the darkness inside that is. The darkness inside of me that can never see the light of day. So, I cover my ears and hide my tears. So, I walk through bustling cities, empty towns, and quiet streets. I pace back and forth in front of a glass door, wondering, will it ever be alright? For the reason I am this way, is because, of love. Love. The one thing on earth that many seek for, and yet the one that causes the most heart-wrenching pain. If I were able to shout to the whole world these very words "I'm in love!" that might make the ache in the depths of my soul better, but the pain will never go away. For as I look at you with adoration in my eyes, you cannot see through the disguise I have worn.

I love you.

My heart screams at me. It begs. It pleads. It cries.

But I stubbornly hold it closer to me because... I am afraid. A part of me hates that, but another shrinks and hides away from the very thought of unbinding the ropes, unlocking the keys, and opening the gates. For, what am I but not a coward? Unworthy of love forever. Yet when I look at you, I let myself believe, even for just a second, a minute, an eternity.

I love you.

I hate myself during times like this, so I decided to take the initiative and leave first. It hurts to say those words even though it has been lurking inside my brain for the past few years. I finally have the courage to step through the glass door. As I open it, I look into your brown eyes, really look, deep into the soul I've come to know and love for the past 5 years. I take your hands in mine and smile, remember when I use to abhor touching you? Look at me now. Thank you, for all the memories, laughter and tears we've shared together.

I want you to know that, were I ever given a chance to take another road with you, I would've taken it without hesitating now, but now it is too late. I smile, for the last time, and release my hold on your hands. Now I take a step, and another, and another, towards those glass doors. I take one last glance back before following the black cat through another set of doors, one that will not lead me back to you anymore.

I love you.