Dysphoria

****

        I stared down at my body feeling completely disconnected. Warm water sprayed over me as I stood completely still,  unaware of my surroundings. It had been like this for a few months. I had come to the realization that I wasn't what I thought I was. Everyday I would take a shower and think. Think about how I was feeling that day, compare my experiences to others, contemplate all of the identities I'd read about.
        Today was different. I knew what I was. At least I was pretty sure. I still wasn't convinced I wasn't faking it. But it made sense. All of the things I'd been feeling my entire life added up. Genderfluid. I rotated the word around in my head. It was strange. It both felt like a wave of relief had washed over me but it also felt like I was going to drown.
        A thought I had been pushing to the back of my mind came rushing back as I          
finally looked up from my body.
How the fuck am I going to tell Dude.
I had to, right? Keeping it to myself felt wrong. I didn't want him to keep seeing me as what he thought I was. I wanted him to see me for me. That couldn't exactly happen if he didn't even know the real me.
        I weighed the possible pros and cons of coming out as I stepped out of the shower.
        The worst case scenario kept playing over and over again in my head. I could lose him completely.
        A sharp knock on my front door snapped me out of my thoughts. I had completely forgotten that he was supposed to come over today.
        "Just a minute!" I hoped my voice would carry far enough. I threw on a baggy T-shirt and comfortable pair of shorts as quickly as I could.
        Dude was pretty used to seeing me in my 'at home clothes' so I went for comfort over fashion.
        "Hey sorry about that, I just got out of the shower."
        "No worries doll." He said, stepping through into my living room.
        "I brought the goods" he held up a plastic bag with two brightly colored pieces of candy. Fuck yeah.
        "I need one of those immediately."
"It's a higher dose than you're used to, so be prepared." He handed one to me and popped the other into his mouth.
        After about an hour and a half of sitting shoulder to shoulder watching a shitty reality show I felt parts of my body start to get warm and distant. My mind got quieter and my brain felt like it was getting dunked into a deep fryer (But in a good way?)
        "Fuuuuck you weren't kidding." I said, raising my hand in front of my face. It seemed a world away.
        "Would I ever lie to you?"
        "Probably." I joked. He chuckled and leaned into me.
        "Hasn't quite hit me yet but i'm glad you're having a good time pumpkin." He kissed the side of my head. The touch felt euphoric.
        As I sat there, practically on a another fucking planet, I realized something. If he would leave me for being who I am then do I really want him in my life? I mean yeah it'd fucking suck and id probably cry about it and feel like compleat shit but id be ok in the end. If he really cares about me he'd understand. Or at least try to.
        "Hey dude?" I turned to face him.
        "What's up doll?"
       "Promise me you wont be weird about this."
       "Not so sure I can promise that considering I have no clue what you're talking about."
        "I'm trans" I tried my best to read his facial expression but all I could focus on was how pretty his eyes were.
        "Oh." Was all he said.
        "What do you mean oh?"
       "Uh, well about that." Instead of saying something he stood up. And then he started taking his shirt off? Oh shit I dont think I've ever seen him shirtless before. Before I could question why he chose this particular moment to undress it became clear.
        Oh.
        Oh.
        He had top surgery scars.
        "Wait what the fuck? How did I not know this?"
        "Guess I just kinda forgot to mention it. Oh yeah congratulations I guess."
        "We've been together for three months and you forgot to mention it?"
        "Yes."
        "I was worried you were going to leave me!"
        "Sorry."
        I ran my hands through my hair. Fuck I was way to high to deal with this right now. He sat back down next to me, his shirt still discarded on the ground. I leaned against his shoulder and sighed.
        "You're a dumbass." I grumbled. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer.
        "Yeah yeah I know. So what do you want me to call you? Ya know like with your pronouns and all that."
        "Honestly? I'm not completely sure. Maybe they/them for now? Ya know, while I figure it all out. I'm like pretty sure I'm gender-fluid but I'm still pretty confused about it all."
        "I get it. It's a lot to process."
        "Can we just sit quietly for a while? I don't think I have the mental capacity to keep talking."
        "Sure."