I'm here and I'm QUEER

Chapter Fourteen: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS TIME WO WO WOOOOO

After an hour of research Carys had finally figured it. She was gay. But, that didn't make sense she had had "crushes" on boys before right? But it didn't feel like what she felt right now. It honestly didn't make any sense! She had always heard that people feel "butterflies" in their stomach when they had a crush. She had always thought people were exaggerating, when they talked about crushes.

So she had played along, carefully selecting random boys in her class that seemed to have a similar personality and someone that she honestly, just wanted to be friends with. Dating was weird! It wasn't what she was ready for, it wasn't something that she wanted. But it was what everyone else did and wanted so she had to be the same way! She had to talk about boys, ignore her real feelings for girls, and... date...

She hated her first relationship. It was with a random guy, who just randomly had a crush on her and she thought this her only flipping opportunity at people not thinking she was weird so she took it! Like a complete idiot! She never talked about him. And honestly she wanted to get him out of her DAMN mind!

And all those times when some entitled brat would think that they owned me! What complete flipping idiots!!!

Her second relationship wasn't really a relationship. It was just her twisted way of "love" that had made her be like. "This is right! This is ok! I don't have any nice feelings about this stupid guy! But you know what?! I'm so stupid that I'll go and continue gaslighting and manipulating myself because if I don't, if I love a girl. Then a bunch of people will go and ruin my life and I'll never be happy! I'll probably be killed, have a bunch of people then I've never seen before and never caused any trouble ruin my life and my reputation."

And it didn't help that whenever my parents every talked about the LGBTQIAP+ community it was always in a rude degrading way! And when my sister came out it was handled with complete and utter... RUDENESS! I hated being in that stupid flipping household.

And it was even better when one time the only friend that I could talk to was a homophobic jerk that I had a crush on! Worst coming out story EVER! I said a had a crush on them they bullied me and told everyone in my class I was queer. And then I had to pretend that it was all a grand prank!!! Ugh I hated that year with burning passion! Of course after that year I never talked to them again. But I've learned that being gay is something that even your closest friends won't respect.

So you can tell I was beyond fearful when I heard I was flubbing gay! Which led to me crying in the bathroom and trying to... do something bad to myself. But that was years ago! And eventually you know what happened? You wanna know what happened? YEP! I went back to lying to myself for years. Making stupid crushes... and well... dating. How many times do I have to say I hate dating!