"One year, how does that make you feel James?" the boy found the chair he was sitting on was uncomfortable. It kept digging into his back making him shift his position every few minutes, he wanted to move or even just stand altogether but he didn't. Instead he was forced to look at this person in front of him and act like his world wasn't spiraling.
One year, a very long one at that. A never ending battle of words and actions, he would find himself lost most of the time while on other days he was aware. He could remember perfectly the way he'd always wake up and face the day with a fist prepared to launch at any challenges. He made it this far perfectly fine and yet he didn't feel accomplished.
"I don't know, just feels the same as before" he shrugged and sat down more into the chair. The metal was annoying but he ignored it best he could, the person hummed, pressing the end of a pen on a piece of paper. He could hear it write so frantically and he sighed to himself as he looked outside the window.
After his rather intense breakdown with Ruby last night, not that he'd call it a breakdown. He was sent here first thing in the morning to talk about his feelings, to express his emotions and thoughts aloud. He found the whole thing pointless and a waste of his time, therapists are just people who don't care.
They're paid to care, to smile whenever you say something remotely positive. To laugh when you make a lame joke to lighten the mood, they judge even if they don't show it. Those dark twisted eyes always watch the words you say, they write it down like a lyric. When the lyrics turn dark and twist and turn into something dangerous or when beautiful. They burn it by writing down prescription after prescription, the pills will help you.
They make you forget you're even a human being, that you exist here for the sake of life. Life was pointless, all of it was pointless to James. He didn't value a single second here, but on the rare moments he did, he would smile and laugh at whoever doubted him. He cared, deep down in his cruel heart he cared and that would be his utter downfall.
Everything was fading in and out as James leaned more back into the chair. The woman in front of him kept her pen neatly on the page, the endless line of notes about him hidden beneath. "How do you think Andrew feels about it?" he flinched at the mention of Andrew as he let his hands run along his hair.
"Probably doesn't care" he replied so quickly he almost felt stunned by his words as he bit his tongue. "I'm sure he cares deeply about you, he'd want you to be yourself again, to feel better. It's not an easy journey, but you've come this far and you should be proud of yourself James. Ruby told me very good things about you, your goals and accomplishments".
He scoffed "until it all just breaks again, I've been down this pathway before and I've failed plenty of times before. I've failed everyone who cares about me, because I'm a horrible human being and I'm probably gonna end up a failure like my parents".
He leaned back once more, the ends of his fingers digging into his pant legs as he sighed. He could hear the clock ticking away, the hour would be over shortly and he'd finally be able to leave. Ruby would probably ask him about every single detail, including the boring things like how he felt during the session.
He didn't value his own feelings, so whenever he told Ruby he didn't really care for therapy. She encouraged him to do it again and again, so he did and every time he would end up feeling the same thing. It felt like a never ending process of healing and getting over his overdose all the time, he wanted that part of his life to be gone.
When the clock finally struck the hour mark he practically ran out of the office. Ruby sat in the parking lot like always, her bright red car standing out as he approached it. He imagined a world where this wasn't his routine every time he would express his emotions. He would get these random moments where he'd picture himself normal, and it would feel good. Until he remembered he wasn't normal.
"Why is he here?" he glared at Otis through the mirror as the boy awkwardly waved. "Helping him with his campaign, remember, if he's going to win then it's important that we work on the perfect plan". There it was again, that thick red line, it was stretching almost unbearably as it tried to connect to Otis.
James felt like a headless chicken, a third wheel and even a ghost as he sat in the front in silence. He leaned his head against the window as light patches of rain coated it. Beautiful bliss, he enjoyed these moments where the world would just be loud. The rain was rare these days given the nice weather. He could see Ruby's gaze every so often and it made him wanna cry, he wasn't sure why.
His arms itched, a habit he couldn't stop not even after being sober for a full year. One year, it was crazy to him, he's never made it this far before. He didn't know if he wanted to sob himself to sleep or sit in silence while the rain hit the window. A picture perfect moment, the hum of the engine and Ruby's gaze.
He was happy once, but he couldn't really feel it much these days. He just felt depressed, ever since Andrew stopped answering his calls, he was losing everyone. He clenched his fist, inhaled slightly as he bit into his lip to ease his pain. Andrew didn't want anything to do with him, maybe it was his fault.
If he wasn't such an idiot then he would still have Andrew with him. He would have a normal life and Ruby would be there beside him, a family. Even if it wasn't perfect or even remotely stable. The calls became so short and then they stopped altogether, he didn't tell Ruby of course. He couldn't worry her anymore, not after the overdose.
He blinked and the car stopped as Otis climbed out "so what exactly are we doing Ruby?" The boy's words made James head ache. It was just the campaign that's all he had to tell himself as he watched Ruby and Otis walk inside her house. He followed after them, but paused when his phone began ringing.
Maeve's name was bold, he hadn't heard from the girl in a few hours given she got busy with her studies in America. He almost hit decline, because what are the odds she calls when Otis is inside with Ruby. Otis, it was always fucking him. James felt like he was suffocating as he clicked on the call and pressed it against his ear.
"Maeve?" he cringed at his own voice, he sounded so damn desperate as he sat down on Ruby's steps. He could hear Maeve's breathing, it sounded uneasy as the girl finally spoke "my mum's dead".
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authors notes: basic filler chapter that's been sitting in my drafts for months, I'm trying my best to finish this story. 4 chapters left, I feel like if I do my best I can finish it hopefully soon. I also don't know if I want it to be a happy or sad ending but overall we'll see. I also already have a Maeve story in my drafts to publish the second this one is completed. Season 4 of this show is just so bad... like I'm trying my best to finish this story but this season is just awful to write for like don't get me wrong the season was decent but the plot was not it. Like it's the last season and they brought in new characters and stories like they didn't focus on old characters and stories to finish off, just felt rushed and mid. So I'm trying to make this story end decently compared to the show. Anyways this is a long ass paragraph... bye
