A walk with you.

Chapter 1- My life

Everybody has their own desires and ambitions in life and I am no different from that.

I even imagined myself being the most popular teachers around the world, like a celebrity. You can say I want to have that attention and power. Who doesn't want power, right? Power= connections, and that what we always thought in our mind. 

My life just like everyone else is not perfect. 

I have mental health issue, I am not courageous just like everyone else. I even get into the point where I engage myself with witchcraft, buying crystals just to make the universe in favor of me because growing up, I never got to experience, What would it feel to be loved by everyone?

You can also say I might be a people pleaser, and I am guilty. I always please people as if I am going to die without receiving compliments from them. 

My entire life was actually very funny (sarcastically), I have so many issues in life, traumas in life everything, and I am lost.

I felt like I am in a place of nowhere like no one to call to, no one to run to-everything. I can't even rely on my own family to be honest. My family is my own trauma in life. My parents don't even realize that. But you know what? I forgive them. 

Why would you forgive them when they're not even sorry for the things they had done to you? Believe me I asked that to myself too. Why would I? I would rather cut them off, build my own life, be the master of my life and leave them and even take revenge right?

But no.

I choose to forgive. 

 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.-Matthew 6:14-15.

Well Nabi, that's your choice. You forgive them but I can't. I know I hear you. Because I am like that too. I promised myself that I will do better and revenge for what they had done to me. But it was so heavy in my heart. 

Seeing my own parents happy with their own world, makes me wonder How can these people who hurt me, discouraged me, underestimated me, has the audacity to be happy and here I am suffering for the aftermath? I hear you. In my church, it was only taught to me to Honor your mother and father, even in my household, up unto this day, that is practiced. 

You are not allowed to talk back nor choose what you want to do. Got compared with other kids etc.

I told myself, isn't it unfair that we only honor them? How about me? An innocent child who tries her best to survive in this cruel world? How about me who were hurt? Don't I get any justice of this?

Of course.... YOU DO!

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.- Colossians 3:21

In general, parents should not provoke us right? so that we won't be discouraged. No one even told them to bring us here on Earth. No one. 

But you know Nabi, my parent's even forsaken me. They neglect me, physically, emotionally, everything! Still, it is painful. I know. It is very painful to be neglected, I myself experienced that pain over and over again, up until now. I never felt the love of my family, even to my sisters.

They eat food by themselves, and I am not even invited to eat with them. I used to grow up, eating with my family together, but every time we do, my parents will start to blabber something I don't want to hear. Like I want to eat peacefully. It loses my appetite every time they compare me to other kids, telling me that my batch mates are successful in life, and I am stuck here. Or even tells me to take this job and commanding me to do things that I am not happy of (to be honest for them, it's advice).

For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.- Psalm 27:10

Isn't that beautiful? Your family might have forsaken you, but God doesn't. The Lord will take me in. Wonderful right? Everyone can leave you, but He won't. I even remember this line from a movie (Reference: The case for Christ) "God is patient, and he will wait for you". Isn't it good news? No one can have that kind of patience, not even me or you. Well, me, I don't. I have a really short patience, but God can wait for your years and years until you come home.

It is crazy, how people don't know that some questions are answerable in the bible. If you can't find it, the answers itself will be revealed to you.

You see, my entire life was full of toxicity. 

Did God forsaken me? No and so do you. 

He is just waiting for you

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To come home.