Random stuff-

random vent (skip idk)

I'm really fucking tired guys.
it's hard to just be here right now, it's hard to hold on. I think I've been too busy to even step back and take time to heal.
And with every attempt I try to talk with my mom, i end up exploding, or we end up on bad terms. Every time it happens, i want to cut so bad, because I feel terrible about it, and like i fucked everything up again. Why the hell do i always screw things up? I'm not looking for comfort or sympathy from you all, i just need a distraction so I don't relapse. I've been trying hard to keep myself clean, and it's such a struggle. I have such an urge to make myself bleed and feel something, to punish myself for being such a screw up, since no one else would. Even then, it doesn't get better. My parents wouldn't go for therapy, they don't believe in "depression" but rather that, in my dads own words "it's a choice to be happy". And while, i can feel momentary happiness, it always fades back to numb, or into a feeling of deep hurt. I've been trying my best to just keep living. At this point, i don't know anymore. I don't want anyone to miss me, i dont want them to care, but at the same time I do. I wish I could just stop living and no one would feel any pain, or remorse. Every time I think to reach out to talk about my self harm issues, i always take it back before anyone can see it, so it's a huge jump to open this up to you guys. i know no one is gonna read this anyhow, but it's worth a shot to get this out. I dont know whether you understand or don't about the urge to cut, knowing that there's knives in my house makes my chest swell towards them. It's like.. an addiction in a way, to just show how much hate I hold for myself and people. Faking a happy face and nonchalant attitude all the damn time is so annoying. I don't pretend anymore in school, because who tf cares anyhow? in jujitsu, im the social butterfly who makes myself look stupid, and laugh at myself. I put myself down to make me feel better, and even more so when someone talks about how dumb I am. And my one friend, we can call her Ray, she always brings up the "pity square" concept whenever i talk slightly about my mental state about being tired. Maybe she has a fucking point, but I want to tell them how i feel deep down. They are more of a family than my actual family has every been. The only people out of my biological family who i hold with my heart is my dad, eldest cousin, and her younger brother. They are the only source of love and fondness I ever truly felt from my whole damn family. They all talk about hunting, and how mentally weak I am (not directly, but express it, expecting me to be stupid) for not being able to kill anything with out instant guilt. I'm so damn fragile compared to them. Not to mention the abuse that goes on there. Me, myself, have never been whacked, but only because I obey their every request like a damn hound dog. I remember my little cousin made up some shit about her two brothers, and whined and cried to her mom. I was sitting on the couch at the time, writing, trying to calm the constant anxiety i feel inside that damn house, when their mom got up, yelling at the boys. I then put in my AirPods to try to block out what I know is coming and put them on blasting. But I could still hear the slapping and cries, the laughter of the other before he got beat. I think they were paddled or slapped. Of course, i love their mother, she's a kind and genuine woman, she's trying her best as a single mother. Her husband was high of drugs all the damn time and got kicked and sent to jail twice. The kids have nightmares of him, and we all dislike him to our cores. And honestly, it's not her blame for the abuse. It's how she was raised, and her siblings, including my dad, and their parents, and the parents after that. The thing is, is the kids are absolute shits, they bully each other, and make our grandparents take care of them. My dad is the oldest kid, and my aunt works under him (same aunt) so she gets shit from him. And yes, i love him, but he's very harsh sometimes. The eldest of her kids, a year younger than me, is actually nice when it's just you and him. I think he's scared of being judged by other kids for being soft. Over all, everyone there is a victim of this cycle except my grandma. And even then, i wouldn't be able to say that with certainty. My mother always said i had a big heart, much bigger than theirs. I raised chickens and couldn't bare to see them go, because I get attached so easily to people and things, and I'll cry like i lost the most important thing in the world to me if i lose them. I joke about my pain and hurt like it's nothing, and the so called "author" on here has so much more to say that she's afraid to say. A true fucking coward who can't crawl out of her shell. She can't even meet up to anyone's expectations. Not her family's, not her dad's, not her teacher's, not her professor's, or music teacher's, not her friends, nor even her own. Pathetic as it gets. She tries so damn hard to be perfect for people, but all she's ever known was that she was different and weird. That she was blind and naïve. She was smarter than any of her family besides her dad, and that she had to grow past him and the rest of her family. That she was more talented than her mother in her long lost dream to play piano, so she needed to practice and become what her mother never could. She had to learn to fight for herself, so she could manage on her own, so she could out grow her body in skills. So she could leave behind her childhood dreams before she ever really lived them. And that she was trying to hard to fit in with people, that she warped herself so many times that she doesn't know who she is, or was, anymore. Days still pass and she wonders "why the hell death hadn't taken me yet?" Or "tch, yeah right, I'll be dead before then". Is it normal? And the only person she's even breathing for is so close, yet so damn far away? That one cousin, the oldest, who only trusts her, and who she made a pact with to live for each other, no matter what. That she's going to get a matching tattoo with when she's older so she can look down at that semicolon and think, "i somehow made it". What's the one emotion she can actually feel for someone? What feelings are platonic, which are romantic? Can she even fall for anyone anymore? Would anyone ever think she's enough?

would she ever be brave enough to tell anymore, when she could only write this much from the third person? no. she couldn't. not yet anyways.

-
well shit, i actually did it.
anyways sorry for the vent, and thanks for supporting me and being here. i love you guys from the bottom of my heart.
i have to sleep for school tomorrow.
i don't feel the urge to cut anymore, so thanks.

also, i wrote this after a fight with my mom, so this is where this spewed out of, if you were wondering.
love you.
bye for now.
<3