Tales of a Spy

Chapter 3

Making sure that Snape had really left, Dumbledore shifted closer to Sirius, who had returned to sitting by his side.

"I am disappointed in you."

"Al-Albus?" Sirius swallowed. He didn't want Albus to be disappointed in him. His mother's words came back to his mind. "You disappoint me. How can you me my son?"

Sighing, the headmaster continued, "I expected better from you, Sirius. It seems like Severus is not the only one who is still holding on to this petty childhood rivalry. You should be grown up by now.

If only I had the chance to, Sirius thought.

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He had left at the first opportunity he got because he needed to out of this place. Black's words still rung in his head. What if it was true? Shut it, he knew what Black said was true. Those were facts. These are thoughts that he would've thought if he was 10, but now he is 35. Black's insults didn't get to him emotionally. At least, not directly.

He knows that if he had felt like that, it would be Black's victory. The mutt wanted him to feel like that – otherwise he wouldn't even have spoken the words. He can tell what people want of him, what they expect, what they want to do to him. Years with the Dark Lord had given him extra senses.

For the next few days, he avoided Albus as much as he could. Until his weekly summons and Order meetings.

"Severusss..." The Dark Lord hissed his name as he knelt in front of him.

He didn't want to go to Grimmauld place. It felt...tiring.

Dead, frozen lips like dry ice on his own.

But alas, he was obligated to.

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Dumbledore's words never left him. They echoed in his mind, bouncing off his skull like a muggle basketball on concrete. This night was the long awaited, long dreaded meeting. As always, he was the first to enter the kitchen apart from Remus and Molly. Kreacher still kept the kitchen clean since the last Order meeting. Snivellus would be here.

"Sirius." Remus and Molly greeted him. He just ignored them, which Remus frowned at. Dumbledore was the next one to appear and slowly the rest of the Order came, Tonks a bit early this time since there was no special mission for her today. Snape was last. Again, but he never really came early and at least he was not hours late. But today, he could just not find the energy to bicker with him, and ignored his grumbled "Mutt."

"Sirius, are you alright?" Remus, oh, poor, poor, Remus asked him. Always the kind and gentle one.

"I'm fine." He replied in a monotone voice. Something flared up in Snape's eyes but was gone in a blink. Does that man even blink?

He didn't know how much time went by, until Dumbledore called out his name. Only then he realized he had zoned out for the entire Order meeting and had no clue of what happened.

"Sirius, I ask you for the second time, are you alright?" Remus' voice rung through his confusion. He swallowed a sudden lump in his throat. He was about to say he was fine, but his mouth had other plans.

"I...I'm not." He whispered, barely audible. He could see Snape sneer and the man was about to make a snarky remark when Dumbledore raised a hand to stop him from doing so. He was surprised when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, but did not move his gaze from the floor.

Suddenly, it all became too much. James and Lily's deaths, Peter's betrayal, his guilt when he found out that Remus was actually innocent, losing his youth in Azkaban and the responsibility of Harry. The latter wasn't a burden, no, but he reminded him too much of James. And Azkaban. The worst of it all.

Before he realized it, he was openly sobbing in front of the entire Order. He knew that he will be embarrassed about it later, but he couldn't bring himself to care. But oh- Snivellus was here. That thought made him tense up and he stopped crying. As if Dumbledore was reading his thoughts, he asked Snape to leave. His voice seemed more closer than before and he held his breath until the spy had left.

The warm hand removed itself from his shoulder, and he tensed up at the loss of contact. In less than a second he felt two arms wrapping around him and pulling him close to a chest. He let go. He let go all of the pain he had been holding up since the past 15 years – yes, 3 years before Azkaban too. His own arms hugged his comforter. Sobs wracked his body and seemingly endless tears stained the other man's, Remus, judging from the fabric, robes. He could faintly hear his friend whispering gentle words to him.

After what felt like an eternity, he stopped crying. He let a few minutes pass before looking up. Most of the Order, thankfully, had left, with only Albus, Remus and Tonks sitting near him.
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Of course he had been shooed out again. Anger was bubbling beneath his skin – it was indeed a strange feeling. Anger was building up inside of him, and he could literally feel his blood boiling and flowing through his body. Covering the feeling was a strange outside calm, like a sea hiding the dangerous sharks which lurked beneath. He knew he could not let his anger lose. No matter what happened, he won't and he can't lose control. Later this anger will be brought up again to cast powerful Crucios.

Be it an act of incompetence, stubbornness or foolishness, he cast a strong disillusionment charm on himself and did not go away.

As the scene unravelled, he could still feel the anger pulsing beneath like a volcano corked on top. How come Black, a murderer who got away with trying to take my life, has the freedom to express such petty emotions while he is cursed to stay in the shadows? Black did not want his here, he was thrown out of the meeting abruptly for the second time.

He watched the wolf comfort the mutt with jealousy igniting his heart, if there was one. He felt so out of control inside but you could hardly tell he was feeling rage beneath the surface – his body was calm, too calm. He felt like one of those muggle bombs whose fuse had burned to the end but the bomb did not explode as it was defective.

His eyes laid themselves on Albus. He felt something -betrayal?- between the anger. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and opened them again. Silently he walked to the back door, the sound of Black's sobs as clear as the anger inside him. Stepping out and quietly closing the door behind him, he apparated away.