My Life But It's Basically Just A Vent

my life ig

(tw: parental death, anorexia, sexual harassment/assault, child neglect (medical, mental, physical, emotional), child abuse (mental/physical but the physical is one thing), bullying, suicidal thoughts, and mentions of a suicide plan)

(Baby life): When I was born my father was in the army, so my mom had to care for me by herself for the first few weeks it was okay (like until I was like 7 to 8 weeks old), my mom was alone taking care of me and herself she basically went insane but she never hurt me (not that I know of), but she would lock me in my room (when I was 1) at night with duck tape cause I could unlock the door myself, she didn't go to a doctor's appointment for her so the police was called, the police came and they saw how bad the house was (trash was everywhere and stacked and all of that), and they took me away to a foster home for a few months, then I had taken back to my mom and father. (This was told to me by my father because I can't remember it since I was 1 and a half during it)

(Early childhood (ages 3 to 8)): Then at like 3 or 4 my mom didn't take me to school nor to any place I needed to go but I was fed, cps came again and saw how bad the house looked (it looked slightly better then when I was a baby like less trash everywhere), and took me to a new foster home I remember them driving me to a new family which I also remember watching frozen on the tablet I got to use on the way there, I didn't know what was going on since they never told me why I was being taken (until now), I was taken to a nice foster family I had a foster younger brother and an older brother (the older brother had a son so I was an aunt), and a foster older sister, I went to church alot as a kid like Wednesday and Sundays/Saturdays I felt happy in church since it was fun, I was also in ballet and karate as a kid. The younger brother was weird and touchy with me (he was like a year younger then me) and I didn't know what he was doing so I went along with it but I didn't like it, it felt like my heart dropped any time he would do stuff like that, then at like 7 my mom died it was a sad time for me I grieved and cried for days and weeks I stopped eating and I barely ate enough for me any food I had would make me feel sick to my stomach. Later that same year I was taken back to my father and took three planes to get to where he was. It was nice with him for a few weeks until the apartment we lived got very messy, I couldn't clean much due to my depression, and at school I was treated like that one girl who was weird and different and who's mother was dead. I started to get bullied by kids at my new school when I arrived I was in 2nd grade.

(Mid childhood (ages 9 to 11)): When I was 9 I was still being bullied really badly and I was so stressed I planned to k!ll myself I prayed and wished for death. I met this kid his name was jj and I finally found happiness, I finally smiled I finally showed joy i was so happy with him he made me feel so happy. At 10 I was still friends with jj but he started acting weird with me he started saying how pretty I was, and I didn't know he was being creepy with me, at 11 he started going beyond compliments he would touch me and chase me and he would try to kiss me i pushed him off me but I was so weak so I couldn't do anything to stop him. His friend who was also my friend touched me a bit until the friends mom stopped him. Covid had started at that time so I was in the house alot so I couldn't escape jj much. I was also living in fear because my father threatened that the landlord would kick us out if she saw the house and he threatened that I would be taken, so I was so stressed and fearful of what could've happened. Oh and my father punched me in the stomach cause my sister poured soda on his computer due to me and my sister fighting over it, I went to grab paper towels but when I got back I was treated with a hard punch to the stomach I couldn't breathe due to how much it hurt.

(Tweens to Teens (12 to now (14)):
At 12 I went back to school and I made some friends but they slowly made fun of me after some time, so I just gave up being happy. Still at 12 I was on the internet more and I was watching alot of YouTube as a way of escape from my bad life, I started to get really insecure of my body since I wasn't as skinny as I was a kid so I limited my food intake to the bare minimum, which caused my anorexia. Later in the year of age 12 (i think It was the day before my 13th birthday) I was in 7th grade when these kids who where my friends showed me adult content since they thought I would like it, which I didn't I literally felt my heart drop while watching it I felt so sick to my stomach I wanted to die so badly. The next year in 2022 when I was 13 I asked out my crush on valentines day and he said he didn't like me which didn't hurt me at all but the days after he would bully me and I would just ignore him or try and be away from him (I lied about liking him). A bit later I broke my arm and also lost my glasses.

I moved to Texas during the summer which was pretty boring nothing much happened. And when we were at a hotel cps was called like 3 times (one by me, twice by the hotel) and cps did nothing due to my father probably lying to them so I was just in pain my back hurt my whole body hurt with my father being neglectful of my medical well being ( he only took me to the doctor when he was required to like for shots and from after the mental hospital (where cps was called there too and they did nothing cause my father said sorry.) Like to get a single check up and for the dentist and for an eye doctor appointment but that was it).

Now I'm 14 and I'm just ready to give up I already wrote my note I just need to get the thing I need to kill myself with, I hate how much my body hurts and how badly I feel, I feel so sick to my stomach I feel so light headed and i can't even get the help I need, I guess I have to just deal with it like I've done for the last like 7 years almost 8. I'm so sick and tired of it I feel so weak when I wake up yes I have a roof over my head and food and water but I'm just getting the bare minimum of what I need. My father has said over and over to me that I'm fine and others have it worse so I'm starting to believe it.