Self Love Journey

The First Step to Loving Myself

I've been thinking about my first relationship. The toxicity of it and what made me stay in a place where I was unhappy for so long. Truthfully I stayed for my own selfish reasons. I wanted to experience love and romance because I thought I was missing out on it or behind the curve. I created this illusion of happiness and really tried to make it work. I spent most of the relationship crying. I shut my family and friends out emotionally at the time so nobody really knew what was going on unless they witnessed his bs in person. I don't know what or how I felt about my ex but it definetly wasn't love. Maybe it was sympathy because I knew he had nobody but me. Maybe it was guilt because I knew I didn't want to be with him. But all in all I don't think he truly loved me either. He couldn't have. The me that he knew, dated , and "loved" doesn't exist. I was constantly walking on eggshells around him. I was never comfortable really being myself with him. He had a bad temper and was very easily triggered. He would get upset and lash out on me for small things. When I broke up with him I felt so much peace. That was the first time in my life I put myself first. When I was with him I didn't know myself. I lacked self love. And I thought that he was what I deserved.