Blood Upon the Snow | Sebastian Sallow

CHAPTER 16 | Hold Me Like Water

I moved my fingers around Sebastian's chestnut locks as gently as I could, my fingertips playing with some of his curls as his chest rose and fell deeply and silently. It had been an hour since he had finally fallen asleep — or rather, cried himself to such a state of exhaustion his body gave up entirely — yet, I had not had the courage to move away from him. His head rested on top of my lap as I sat on his bed, his hands holding onto my thigh instinctively, and his breathing low and peaceful at last.

It had taken many hours and two entire vials of Calming Draught to get Sebastian to accept some well-deserved slumber. Even then, he only fell asleep once I crawled into the bed with him. I did not know much about love but, despite everything that had happened between us, I understood he needed mine right now — if anything, I owed it to Sebastian to take care of him, just as he had taken care of me for an entire year after the repository. Of course, my heart was still a mess. The betrayal I once felt couldn't just evaporate into thin air, but looking at him, his eyes closed and resting as he clinged onto the heat of my skin, needing me to hold him, it was simply impossible to feel an ounce of anger. More than once he had murmured in his sleep, the words always drawn out and breathy, but some of them were still clear enough for me to recognise.

Mo phiuthar. My sister.

I cupped his cheek with my hand, my thumb softly brushing over his skin, drawing around his features in soothing motions. I counted every single freckle that adorned them, every tiny spot stamped on his face, and with each one, I tried my best to recall a memory of us, a good memory. My head had already started to hurt from the foolish effort when I remembered, in vivid details this time, the night we shared in Feldcroft weeks ago — the way he kissed me so tenderly, the warm and spicy taste of buttered rum on his tongue, the manner in which his hands gently explored every inch of my body with more attention and respect than I had ever felt before, the peculiar moment in which he pulled me to his chest, half-asleep in the middle of the night, and dropped the softest of kisses on my forehead. My thumb instinctively brushed over his lips, the memory still fresh in my mind. It was easier to remember it now, and maybe it shouldn't, but this worried me. I could not say if this was simply the effect of being in his bedroom again, in his bed, or if there was a much more obscure reason behind my sudden recollection — something to do with the usage of Isidora's incantation, or worse, with Anne's passing, with my failed attempt to prevent it. I shook my head side to side.

I couldn't stop myself from letting out a heavy sigh once my eyes drifted to Sebastian again. I had failed him — I had failed him in the worst way I could possibly think of, in the time he needed me the most, maybe the only time he ever really needed me. Just then, I wondered if I could ever heal someone who had broken me first.

"Fuirich còmhla rium," he murmured so quietly, so softly, I was barely able to hear it. My brows furrowed as I tried my best to understand, yet I couldn't make sense of a single word. "Gu bràth. Mas e do thoil e."

I cleared my throat, trying not to make any noise while I examined his face. His eyes were still closed, his breathing still gentle and weighted. He's just murmuring again, I figured. It was a pain, in truth, to not be able to understand him. It wasn't entirely Sebastian's fault though. I've known he spoke Scots Gaelic since our fifth-year and, as much as I had tried to pick up some books on it from time to time, I would always end up quickly giving up on it, the language was seemingly too complex for me to be able to study it easily.

Sebastian rolled a little more towards me and sighed when I adjusted the blanket on top of him. Fortunately, it did not take more than a few seconds for him to drift back into a dreamless sleep, his fingers clenching to my thigh a bit stronger, circling it with his thumb as if he needed to make sure I was still there. It was clear that Sebastian was exhausted, his body felt completely limp and heavy on top of my own, his weight fully dropped on me as he slept. Even though I did not wish to leave his side, I knew I had to look for Ominis. I hadn't seen him since coming into the bedroom with Sebastian and I had left him to take care of Anne by himself. The guilt I felt for doing so was already consuming my every thought: I couldn't stop thinking about the way I was lying in bed comfortably while he was dealing with the mess, a mess that was partially my own fault.