The Multi-genre Mashup SmackDown

Loch Ness Local Spotted Devouring a Slice of Turkey

"Captain Rye, would you be willing to share in a telephone interview what you saw in the Scottish Highlands 1973?"

"Ay. Saw it with my own two eyes. Big bugger, slow fella, got a long neck."

"Now, was it swimming? Walking? Leaping? Talking? Could you estimate the pace it was traveling, Captain?"

"It was slower than a whale being harpooned off the Alaskan coast. Done my fair share o' harpooning unlike yourself, writing words for a livin–"

"Right, and for the readers, can you translate that into mph?"

"Ye got soft hands son? Never lifted a net an' you're trying to guess a creature's speed. Picking up pens isn't like fishing, ye' make one mistake, an' you're overboard like chum for a thresher."

"Do you have any measurements, Captain?"

"26 feet of unbreakable twine on the pole an' it still goes under. Gotta pull an' pull. Cityfolk don't have the willpower to pull up a porker. Salmon catcher's think they're righteous. Feeding communities my ass. Salmon's light weight, its child's play. Eat two salmon an' you're still hungry."

"Length, 26 feet. Remarkable!"

"These beasts will tug a man off a boat if ye let 'em, hunters for meat, set in their ways like politicians. Have to strap in the boots, pulleys an' levers, gotta have strong rope."

"Width?"

"She's got 40 feet o' deck space, room for nets, whales, sharks. The big catches, cityfolk pay plenty for. They don't know a tiger shark from a lemon shark. Bought the vessel when I was seventeen, dropped out from school–stole a rifle an' a bottle o' whiskey, they wanted to recruit me for the Cold War– no, no I said an' headed for the horizon came back 'fore dinner an' first payday. Caught a–"

"40 feet! What do you think it eats, Captain? People?"

"Moray eel, sold it on the dock. A pile of swordfish just sitting there, didn't notice it, I slipped an' cut my forehead, the skin isn't what it once was, but ladies are still interested. Bought myself a nice sandwich. I asked for double turkey an' they gave me 4 slices. In 1964, four slices was a witch hunt. So I doubled it again, headed home–next morning up an' out. Wouldn't come home till I got myself a Great White Shark, like the one's off California, in the cold water."

"Eels and turkey! How obscure, the reader's will eat this up."

"Three night's in–saw the fin circling an' circling my boat, it was a drunkard in the pitch black swingin' an' hollering, couldn't even see stars, fighting for my life. Woke up, an' hung the teeth like a garland across the hull of the boat. They're still hanging there, christmas ornaments don't hold the same quality I tell ye."

"Thank you for your insight Captain Rye. When the news article comes out I'll denote you as the foremost researcher of the secret that is, The Loch Ness Monster. Pick up a paper tomorrow! Read all about it!"