𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙫𝙖𝙨 • 𝙚𝙣𝙝𝙮𝙥𝙚𝙣 + 𝙨𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣

𝘀𝗶𝘅𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗻

𝑌𝑜𝑢'𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑜𝑤𝑛, 𝑘𝑖𝑑. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛.
𝐓𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐨𝐫 𝐒𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐭 - 𝐘𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧, 𝐤𝐢𝐝

A total waste. Ungrateful. Useless. She expected him to say those words from his mouth. But he didn’t.

“Chaerin-ah. Hey, Lee Chaerin.” He repeated. “This isn’t real, right? This has to be a joke. Why? Why? Tell me why! Did I do anything wrong? D-did I even raise you right? Tell me why you’d think of doing this?”

Yes. I really wanted to die. I don't deserve to live. Everyone I know kept dying, and it's always my fault. She could've said that. But she didn't.

"I… Am I the reason why you're like that?" He asked in the most fragile state of his voice that she had ever heard. Chaerin could hear almost all the sounds resonating on the whole hospital floor, yet she was sure that he didn't hear her response.

“You’re not the reason.” Chaerin said it again. This time she made sure that it reached him.

“You’re not, so please stop saying that. Please don’t. You were a-amazing, great, smart and everything I could’ve ever wanted to be. But it was me. I ruin everything. I- I always ruined every plan and made everyone hate me. Remember in highschool? Well, I lied. I don’t have any friends. I’m not part of a friend group. I took up part-time jobs even if you don’t want me to. A-and all I wanted to say was that I-”

An unexpected thing happened.
Silent tear drops flowed down his face. A reminder that was buried deep beneath her memories when her parents died, he was the only one in the funeral to never shed a tear.

It was the time that she resented him. While she was sobbing her heart out, he stood there in a trance and no trace of emotions on his face. At that time, she wondered if she was the only one who ever cared for her parents.

A maternal grandmother who cried for her only daughter’s departure.

A paternal grandparents who solemnly stood a few steps away from where she stood.

Both were against her parents’ choices of career. From the viewpoint of a young child at that time, a single thought crossed her mind. ‘Why aren’t they talking to me?’

A single hand crossed hers, and it was her uncle. Despite the depressing thoughts in her head, he walked forward and stood in front of her grandparents. Uncle Yuta bowed.

Not the grateful bow her parents taught her, but the bow with the intentions of making no more attachments. She followed in pursuit and heard her maternal grandmother burst into tears.

“Would you like to go with me?” Chaerin heard her ask.

She was scared. Scared of having to leave her life behind and go into someone who is related by her blood. Thus, she decided to hold onto the only one who knew of everything. The person she trusted and felt a strong attachment deep in her soul.

“Uncle Yuta.”

He didn’t answer.

It was that moment that she felt him slowly going further away from her even if he was physically there. A minute. She felt that it will only take a minute before something will happen even more.

“Uncle Yuta!”

She sobbed, holding on to the loosening grip on her hands. And it felt like the accident all over again. A spoiled tantrum she had on the morning of a Thursday when her parents got home from America.

Her mother explained that she was tired and wanted to go to sleep from jet lag. But her father supported her young self and began spinning her to the air and would go on to telling her that she will be his little darling forever.

Then her uncle bursts into the living room with his eyes stuck on his book and retro headphones stuck to his ears. Her younger self rushed in and tackled his body with a hug. A delightful laughter resonated with the room as her parents begrudgingly agreed to her demands.

They were on the front seats of their baby blue car and the rest to the back. Some 90s music was playing from the radio and she wished to be able to tell, scream, or shout for everyone to postpone or never go on the trip at all.

But it was her fault.

If only she didn’t cry to eat the snacks on her mother’s lap, then they wouldn’t have stopped.

Then they would’ve seen the incoming truck threatening to collide with theirs.

Then she wouldn’t see her father trying to stop the brakes and her mother buckling them with seatbelts.

The feeling of them looking at each other with a loving gaze, worried, and the horror of not being able to be accompanying her to every step in the future.

And knowing that the picture of them looking over at her with a smile on their face as the truck crashes to the windshield.

“Uncle Yuta!” She shouted, trying to get out of the past. “I don’t want to go! Please! Listen to me. I’ll listen to everything you’ll say. I’ll never complain again about ramen for dinner. I’ll do my homeworks. I-I’ll never close the door again to your face. Please don’t let them get me!”

It was like a sharp jolt that happened to him that at an incredible speed, he removed the tight grip her grandmother had to her arm and shuffled her to his back.

“Aunt Sohyun. Please don’t let her go away from me. She’s the only family I have. Please.” Uncle Yuta bowed deeper. “It’s only us two. Don’t take it away from us.”

“Then what about me?” Grandmother asked. “I lost my daughter too! Why can’t you let me be happy? I lost my husband and now my daughter. She’s all I have left.”

“Then why did you leave Mina-noona alone?” Uncle Yuta shouted. “She waited for you. For years. She wanted you to be there for her when she graduated in London. Waited for you when she got proposed to by Yuuma-nii. When she gave birth to Chaerin, where were you? No. It’s because you wanted her to be like you.”

Chaerin held her uncle’s hand tighter, bringing him out of anger and heard another voice speaking again, but this time, it was a gentle one. “Yuta. Just go home. We’ll handle this,” her paternal grandfather said.

Visibly sagging his shoulders, she was carried to his arms and left the venue. It was silent and not what she was expecting at all.

This was perfectly fine. They were both hurting. She can’t add more to his problems. She’s a bright child so she knew that they were now alone. He’s seventeen and she’s ten. They were both young children when they were both in a mess. And now, she made him experience all of those again.

He’s twenty four and she’s seventeen. One’s with experience in life while the other’s forever stuck in the past. Not sure which one's which.

“Did it hurt?”

Her eyes widened in surprise. Again, this wasn’t what she was expecting. “What? Uncle Yuta, are you okay? Why? Why aren’t you screaming? Why are you being so calm at this? You’re supposed to scream again. No. Actually take away everything from me. I hurt you, right?”

It was like the person who's standing in front of her was a century old being. The flashes of sadness, grief, concern, and a desperate grip to reality was painted to his hazel brown eyes - the same way her father would look at her.

The cold crisp of air in the hospital was nothing compared to the warmth of his hand caressing the bandages of her wrists. "Let's go home," he said as he took off his coat and placed it on her back. "You're not in trouble, I promise. Let's just go home. We can talk about it after we calm ourselves again."

"You're not mad at me?"
"I never was mad at you."
"Promise?"

"I raised you. With all my heart and soul.  You weren't my blood in this life, but in the other, I hope that I'll be able to watch you grow into a fine adult with a heart of gold and a compassionate spirit. Lee Chaerin, you'll always be my daughter  no matter what. Even if I'm not related by blood."