Hidden Truths - Season One

Chapter Two: Inner Debate

Content Warning: During this chapter, Hannah talks about her attempt and the events leading up to it in some detail. Nothing too graphic, but just warning everyone reading this that, yeah, some heavy topics in this chapter and potentially the next.

ICU Room 103 Airforce Academy Hospital

Colorado Springs

Clay Jensen, Jessica Davis

For a few minutes after Dr. Fraiser's departure, Clay and Jessica sat together in silence watching Hannah as she still slept, her eyelids occasionally moving. They knew they only had a few minutes before Fraiser returned with the girl's parents, and in all likelihood would be asked to leave.

"So..." Clay's voice trailed off.

Jess rolled her eyes, and gestured towards Hannah. "Talk to her."

Clay looked from Hannah to Jess and back again. "Shouldn't you start?"

Jess shook her head. "I have a lot to talk to Hannah about and apologize for, and I'd rather do that if... when she wakes. You're the first friend she made here, and you never stabbed her in the back." she cast her eyes toward the floor as she mumbled that last sentence.

"She'll forgive you." Clay assured her.

"I don't deserve it." she spat out.

"Everyone deserves a second-" Clay's words died in his throat as he remembered a particular subject of Hannah's tapes. "Most people deserve a second chance, and you're definitely one of them."

Jessica smiled slightly at Clay's reassurances. "Starting to see why she fell for you, Clay. Now go. Talk to her." She gave him a little shove, prompting him to get to his feet. He nodded at her, then turned and walked over to stand at Hannah's bedside.

"Hey, Hannah..."

"Who are you?"

Hannah stood in the darkened gym once again facing Clay in the suit he wore to the Winter Formal. She didn't need to glance down at herself to know that she was similarly attired in her purple dress.

The girl shook her head, bemused. "You already know who I am, Clay."

"Do I?" Clay raised an eyebrow. "Right now, I'm not so sure. Sometimes, I wonder if I ever really knew you at all."

Hannah took a step back, stung by the words.

"How can you say that?! You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you!"

"Is that so?" Clay's words were not openly hostile, but there was now a hard edge to them. "You tried to kill yourself. You slit your wrists with a fucking razor blade. How could you possibly think that wouldn't hurt me? Your family? Your other friends?"

"WHAT OTHER FRIENDS?!" Hannah yelled back, "And what's it to you, anyway?! You never cared about me! You left when I needed you!"

"You asked me to leave! I was only doing what YOU wanted!"

The gymnasium was gone. Now, they were standing in Jessica's bedroom on the night of that ill-fated party, their clothes had likewise changed to what they had been wearing that night. Clay and Hannah glared at each other from across the room. For a moment, Hannah glared in her fury and indignation. Then, it was as if all the energy left in an instant. The fire in her eyes died, to be replaced by a faraway look of sadness and regret.

"I never wanted you to leave, Helmet. I wanted you to stay. I needed you to stay. You were my rock, my shield against... everything that was happening. And I was so afraid of losing you, so afraid of letting what others said about me turn you against me-"

"So you decided to cut your losses and push me away? I never would have believed them, Hannah. I never did." The anger was gone from Clay's own voice, replaced by the same sadness and regret.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize that. I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Helmet." Hannah used her special nickname for him. "If I had, then..." her voice trailed off.

"Then Jeff would still be alive? Jess wouldn't have gotten raped by Bryce? Maybe you wouldn't have either."

"No, I suppose not." She paused. "Wait. How do you know about all that?"

They were once again in the gym in their Winter Formal attire.

"What is this?" Hannah looked around wildly. "Why are we back here?" A note of panic entered her voice. "Is this it? Am I dead? Is this my hell? Reliving all my choices in life that led to my death?!"

Clay shook his head. "That's not why I'm here, no." He looked her in the eye again. "Who are you, Hannah?"

Hannah shook her head, the tears she had fought so hard to keep in check flowing down her face. "I don't know... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even know if I want to BE anymore..." She looked up at Clay. "But.. I am sorry for how I pushed you away. I want to be able to tell you that. Even if you're not really Clay. You're not, are you?"

Clay shook his head. "No. This is your subconscious, after all. But, I'm not the only one here."

"Hey, Hannah." The voice sounded behind her.

She turned around, and saw a different Clay, staring at her. He was clad in a gray T-shirt and nondescript jeans she'd seen him wear several times at school, but there was something else about him that told her that this was the real Clay. She knew it in the way he carried himself, like he was carrying a heavy burden. She saw the dark circles under his eyes indicating a lack of sleep, the haunted look in his face, and curiously, a bandage in his upper left arm, usually where an IV would go.

"I don't know if you can hear me, but the doctor tells me that you'll be able to hear a familiar voice. Her name's Fraiser, and she's been really nice. It's thanks to her that you're going to make it. I hope you wake up soon, Han... things haven't been the same without you, and there's so much I want to tell you."

Clay reached out and lightly touched her hand. Hannah could feel it in the dream. He was soon joined by Jess, who took this moment to speak her own piece.

"I'm sorry for everything, Hannah. Not just the slap, but... for not believing you. For allowing that list to tear our friendship apart. For being so stupid and placing my trust in the wrong people. I want to start over if... when you wake up. Please wake up."

Hannah could only stare at the two people who she once thought hated her. She was relieved to know that they didn't, and that they wanted her to make it. She herself wasn't entirely sure if she wanted to, but maybe it would be worth a try.

She turned back, facing the Clay that stood across her on the dance floor.

"I'm me. For better or worse."

The Clay in her subconscious smiled, and vanished.

Hannah looked around. The scene had changed once again. She was no longer in the gym, or the hospital. She was in a space that existed outside of any space or time. Various locales and events from her life flew before her, until she was once again in the dark void. However, it did not seem as intimidating as it had before. The blue shimmering light had returned, and with it, Hannah saw the other figure. The little girl in the white linen dress. Herself from a far away more innocent time.

The girl walked up to her, a warm smile on her face containing innocence, pure childlike wonder, and a wisdom that Hannah was pretty sure she had not possessed at the age of six.

The two Hannahs stood, appraising each other. Then, the younger one spoke. Her words were simple, matter of fact.

"Your fate is in your hands." she said.