what are you so afraid of? || B.E

01

jade williams

holocene - bon iver

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jades alarm clock was about to beep one more time until she woke up and launched it across her room causing a massive thump on the floor.

'oh shit..' she whispered once she heard her mum loudly stomping upstairs.

before her mum could even reach the top of the stairs she ran outta bed and hid in the cupboard, for what reason , im not quite sure? but she figured if she stayed in her bed , she wouldn't make it out alive.

before she knew it her mum was screaming her full name.
"JADE CHARLOTTE WILLIAMS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"

jade stayed as silent as she could, although she did feel as if she was gonna die of overheating in that small ass cupboard.
her mum stormed into her room, expecting to see jade in her bed, she then looked under the bed, but to her luck she wasn't there.

she carried on looking around in her room whilst jade watched her through the crack of her cupboard, after a few more minutes of her mum aimlessly looking around her room , she left the room, slamming the door behind. 

jade stayed in her cupboard for a few more seconds just to make sure she doesn't come back. once she knew it was clear to come out she tip toed to her bathroom that was connected to her room.
she turned on the light and then started walking to the sink , when she got there she turned it so that it's on the cold side and let it run for a while, once it was cold enough , she splashed it on her face to wake herself up.

jade looked up into the mirror staring at her reflection, silently pointing out her so called 'imperfections'. there were many things going through her head mostly all negative. they never went away no matter how hard she tried.
there was always a little voice whispering

'whyd you look like that'

'what's wrong with you'

'you're never going to be enough'

'your mum will forever hate you'

'your mum deserves a better daughter'

jade couldn't control them, she always lets them get to her, even though she knows deep down that they're not true , but at the moment she can't accept it . she can't face the truth, she can't even face her own feelings. she always shuts herself down.
never allowing herself to speak up or ask for help. somehow she finds comfort in being sad, it lets her know that she does have feelings and that she's not this emotionless slump who's a cold hearted spoilt brat.

__

jades been writing in her journal a awful lot, that sometimes means she's not okay , but physically she can't say it .

she's never been good at expressing her emotions and she envies people who can .
Jade has always wondered why she finds it hard to open up , to let people in and help her, personally she thinks it's because as a child her mum was never really there , she was always at work , working her ass off to afford meals for the week.

another thing that deeply bothered jade was that why did everyone hate her?

many people she didn't even know held a grudge against her and for what reason? she's not quite sure.

she doesn't understand what she could've done for someone to not like her , she hardly speaks and barely had any friends. she thought she was nice to people and very welcoming when they first meet but obviously not .

unless they see her the way she sees herself.

~

A/N
wheyy

finally updated!!

very short chapter cos i really don't feel well but i needed to update sooner or later and also i'm fucking tireddd

i do apologise if this is shit 😭😂

but i have fucking covid ??
don't ask how cos i really don't know.

on a good note i had my first match w my new team tday , we drew 2-2 🤸‍♀️

we should've won 🤗🤗
but it's better than a loss .

also tell me if i can improve on anything !!

erm i dont really know like where this is gonna go cos i haven't planned that far ahead but likeeee i'm js gonna go w the flow atp 😭😭

lyl- madi❣️