My pain in life probably started with my brother, but it is probably here where my joy in life first began too. I only have one brother and one sibling in general. I have no sisters, which is likely why females have been so mysteriously intriguing to me.
My brother was a bully, at least most of the time, but he was all that I had. My parents were very protective of my brother and me, so we rarely got to see other kids or have them over to our house to play. My brother, however, was always around if I could stand to put up with him and the unfair treatment that he usually showed me. My brother taught me so much. Because he was two years older than me, he was the guinea pig for new experiences and privileges. Usually, it was once my brother was old enough for something that I was able to get it as well not too long afterward. My brother went to Outdoor School in fifth grade and came back telling tales of his glorious experience there. It was the same once my brother got into the youth group. He seemed so happy that our church's lead pastor had drawn on his face with Sharpie during his sleep at Three Springs. I feared for that experience when it came to be my time, but such a thing never happened during any of my seven years.
I forget how my brother and I got attached to Star Wars, but he was with me faithfully for all of those years when the Clone Wars TV show was coming out. We theorized and fanned out together when I had no one else to confide in. There came a time, however, when all of this stuff ceased. As Jonathan (my brother) entered high school, he began to tread paths unknown to me, and I tried not to follow. It was through a youth all-nighter I believe that he was first exposed to Halo. I credit most of his transformation, however, to his friend choice during middle school. He had one friend that went on with him into high school who we knew as an atheist. This friend (and his divorced parents) didn't have any problem with violent video games or who knows what else. He influenced my brother, and his interest in things other than Star Wars began to develop at this point. He played Halo but also other things such as Assassin's Creed and GTA which were worse. He got an iPod which for the first time in his life allowed him unrestricted and unsupervised access to the Internet. Jonathan didn't have the wisdom to stay away from what he shouldn't. His phone fed his appetite for unholy things, and I was present to watch.
My brother's advancements in technology and worldliness did affect me even if I tried to act as though they didn't. Although I wasn't allowed to play M-rated games, I watched my brother play them. There was no other good way to spend time with him, and he wouldn't share the game console with me so that I could play what I wanted. Jonathan often showed me stuff on his iPod that he was into. He enjoyed iFunny and iTunes, and there were some very vulgar things on there. Eventually, my dad got us a family Kindle, and then I had access to pretty much everything that my brother had. I did utilize more discretion I think, but the device still was a snare to me. My desires were different than my brother's, but that didn't mean that they were perfectly holy or wise.
In high school, my brother's interest in the youth group waned. He stopped participating in games and sat off to the side so that he could spend time on his phone. In time he stopped coming altogether, claiming that he didn't like the youth pastor and thought that he was creepy. He stopped hanging out with his church friends to spend more time with his school friends and the new friends that he was making online through Xbox. As time went on, he only began to slip further and further away. He graduated high school and stopped coming to church with my family at all. He hasn't been back since. One year for Christmas my parents got me my own Xbox so that my brother and I didn't have to share one anymore. Jonathan managed to get permission to move his bedroom to the basement of our house, away from where the rest of us slept and lived. When he was home, he played on his Xbox in his room with the door closed and his headphones on. If he was playing with his friends online, then he could sometimes be heard through the floor or the walls. I've heard both cussing and autistic-sounding noises from him that way. I've never confronted him about them. Jonathan stopped coming to family get-togethers with relatives, and he stopped coming up to eat dinner with us around the table because he was preoccupied with playing his video games. Things only got worse, and he only became more and more isolated. Usually, the only times we would see him was when he came up to get food from the kitchen. He would take his food back down into the depths of his room with him. If he failed to eat, then sometimes my mom would take stuff down to him. She was concerned for him, and my dad was upset to set the table for him only to put his plate and utensils back away after he didn't come.
Days would go by without me ever seeing my brother. I got used to it over the years, and it became a part of the normal, depressing status quo. My parents were too busy for me, so I would find fulfillment either through video games (like my brother) or through involvement in my church with my friends there. It wasn't the same. None of this distraction could manufacture for me a flesh-and-blood sibling. I still didn't have anyone to play with from day to day like I used to. It hurt to remember what used to be but no longer was. My mom and dad certainly suffered. I imagine that if there came a point where I thought of myself as an only child, then there was also a point when they forgot that they had another son besides me. We went on vacation to Washington State before my senior year of high school, and Jonathan chose to stay behind--allegedly to work and take care of the dog while we were away. My mom discovered sometime later that this was not true. While we were on vacation across the country for two weeks, Jonathan booked a plane ticket to fly to New Jersey to visit one of his Xbox friends. He left our house and our pets in the care of his atheist friend from high school who I mentioned earlier. He never bothered to tell us about any of these plans of his. Mom had to discover the plane ticket for herself as she was cleaning out his messy car for him. This revelation did nothing at all to build up the relationships of our family. It only demonstrated the kind of person my brother had become, and we didn't know just what other secrets he might be hiding from us.
Not too long after this time, my dad knew that he was going to be laid off from his job soon. He had been there faithfully for 35 years, but he wasn't going to be able to stay there long enough to retire. He seemed very depressed, both about our financial future and about my brother's behavior. I think he believed because of my brother that he had failed as a father. His son was not seeking the Lord, and he also caused great grief to his mother by his doings. My dad deeply regretted the day when he let us get our first video game on the computer. He saw this as his greatest mistake of all. My dad still prays for the day when my brother will return to God and his family like The Prodigal Son. In truth, if ever that day does come, my dad will probably drop dead for shock and joy. He is a very sensitive person, and his heart seems to be in the right place. I have great compassion for this dream of his, and I know that the dream is also shared by his older sisters who he's confided his fears and regrets in.
As for me, I fondly recall the days when I would get beat up and bullied by my brother. Bruises heal easily enough, but a crushed spirit is unbearable (Proverbs 18:14). Most of all, I suppose that I am lonely without my brother. Proverbs 17:17 says that a brother is born for times of adversity. Not only has my brother not been there for me, but I haven't been able to be there for him. I've got both my mom and dad, but he doesn't even really have either of them because of the isolation that he's created for himself. I imagine in my head how the world might be different if Jonathan were all that an older brother should be. He would be an example for me to follow instead of an example to resist. He would be there at church with me again, and we would be a part of the young adult group there together. Maybe he would lead the Bible study, and I would gaze at him with awe. I could turn to him for help as a partner, and he would be willing to turn to me and feed me with his life and spirit. What a golden vision that is! And I suppose that is something like what my dad hopes for in his heart.
Jonathan has a girlfriend now, and they seem pretty serious. I wonder whether they will get engaged and married soon. My brother is also trying to move out and get a house of his own with his girlfriend (if things work out). I've never had a sister before, as I have said, but I think that a sister-in-law is supposed to be something like that. I know that there is a lot that my parents do which my brother still takes for granted at 26. This transition to pure independence may be difficult for him. Time will reveal how things will work out. God knows the ending to the story. While Jonathan is my brother, he has not been a great exception among young people. I have observed many in the youth group progress similarly from my time there. Like Jonathan, they have ultimately disappeared and become estranged from God. My brother's example and his testimony make reaching the next generation personal for me. I can't stand to watch his story unfold in other people's lives and do nothing. Even if he never does repent, his influence on me and my family can still be used by God for good. My hope is in God. If others are saved who might otherwise have been lost, then I should think that all of this heartbreak we've experienced will be worth it. In every circumstance, there is always a purpose for our pain so that we may go down to the grave in peace to stand before our Maker.
