Chasing Nikki

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

    

    My life had turned into a horror movie. That must be it—I decided as I held Justine's hand and watched the casket which held the body of my girlfriend being lowered into the ground. The sound of sniffling and people shifting to wipe their eyes filled the air around me in the quiet cemetery. I couldn't cry anymore. The tears were always right there, but I forced them to leave, swallowing at the ever-present knot in my throat—the one I could never seem to make go away.

    Everything was moving in a fog for me, different people passing through at separate times and spaces. I had been vaguely aware of my mom next to me, holding my hand one moment, and in the next, Timmy and Clara were sitting on my lap, their arms clasped around my neck. Justine was often present as well, but I could barely stand to look at her because she reminded me of Nikki so much. 

    The only constant presence I was truly aware of was Brett. Every second he wasn't required to spend in his own life, he was with me. He didn't say much, he was just there.

    I didn't go to school, or practice the whole week after Nikki died while we waited for her funeral to take place. I couldn't stomach anything. No one asked why or when I intended to go back. No one said anything, actually. It was almost as if they were afraid I was a time bomb waiting to explode.

    As for me I could only think of seven words. 

    Sudden death caused by massive pulmonary embolism. 

    They ran over and over in my mind like a freight train ever since I heard the official autopsy report. A simple thing, like rolling Nikki from the bed to the CT table had caused the blood clot to dislodge, and in a matter of a few seconds she was dead—taken away from me forever. Nothing could've been done to help her.

    Even now, as her casket disappeared before my eyes, I couldn't wrap my head around all of it.

    "I'm sorry. I can't stay any longer," I whispered to Justine. I released her hand and walked away, moving to where I'd left my truck. I heard someone following behind me, and I turned to see Brett. I shook my head. "I need some time to myself, okay?"

    He stopped, and I could see the hurt on his face.

    "I'll meet you at my house for the luncheon in a little while. I appreciate you being here for me. But I really need a few minutes alone."

    He nodded, standing still as he watched me get in my truck and drive away. 

    I knew exactly where I was going, and I followed the familiar route until I was parked in front of the rest home. I'd been to this place several times, but always with Nikki. Her grandma hadn't been able to attend today because of her disabilities, but suddenly she was exactly the person I needed to see. I knew she couldn't talk, but I didn't need wisdom or words of advice. I wanted someone I could just be me with.

    I stopped by the kitchen on my way and picked up a spoon and her favorite pudding from an orderly there.

    "We're so sorry to hear about Nikki," he said, giving me the dish as he looked at the suit I was wearing. "Mrs. Wagner will be glad you're here. I know she would've liked to go to the funeral."

    "Thanks," I mumbled, not knowing what else to say, so I left.

    "Grandma?" I called out as I entered the room, and she glanced up. Tears filled her eyes as she waved for me to join her.

    I slid my chair up beside the bed, taking her dysfunctional hand in mine, rubbing my thumb over it.

    "I brought your favorite pudding. I thought maybe you would enjoy the snack."