Choices 2 - Chasing hope [ENG]

13.

It's late at night, but I can't sleep. It hadn't happened to me for months: even in the terrible stench of Hades, I was able to fall asleep. But now I have too many thoughts, including Ellie, my mother, my great choice. What if I'm not immune? What if I were? Would mine be a selfish choice or would it be too altruistic? How could I abandon my family? I don't want them to suffer for me anymore...

My thousand thoughts are interrupted by some light footsteps that reach me on the terrace. I turn and see Tommy. He comes alongside me, and together we remain in silence watching the tranquility of the night.

"Why did you come looking for me if you don't accept what I'm doing?" I ask dryly.

Tommy breathes deeply. "Because we couldn't make you do it alone." He takes a slight break. "Or at least that's what we set out with when we decided to come looking for you."

"But why risk your life to come and look for a person destined to die?" I ask, really confused.

"We didn't see it like that, Charlie" Tommy is focused on a distant point on the horizon. "We just thought that we couldn't leave you alone in such a decisive moment, at the cost of our lives."

"Why?" I ask dryly.

"Because we love you, Charlie. And because that's what families do."

He turned to me, and he looks me in the eyes. I can feel his gaze, without recognizing his features well due to the darkness.

"But Ellie..."

"Give her time, Charlie," Tommy sighs. "She's the one who perhaps suffered the most when you left. She didn't eat for days, she didn't leave the house, and she didn't want to see anyone."

"Not even Joel?" I ask.

"Not even him," he says. "In fact, he was really worried about her."

"And Jesse?" I ask.

"He continued to go to the outposts, but he didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Glenn or Nick. Needless to say, I haven't seen him even accidentally look at a girl since you left" he adds, and I can hear a slight grin.

Jesse didn't look at any other girls? Why was he thinking of me?

My cheeks flush.

"Dina tried to console him, clarify whatever had happened between the two of them, but he wouldn't hear of it. He felt guilty about your departure, a bit like all of us..." she continues. He runs a hand through his hair, and sighs.

"So Dina and Ellie are back together?"

"There were the conditions, but Ellie was too busy thinking about you, and above all finding a way to find you again" Tommy adjusts his arms leaning on the parapet.

Suddenly, I want to ask him another question, and my heart leaps into my throat at the thought.

"Ashley?" I ask, catching my breath in my throat.

Tommy starts rummaging in a pocket of his trousers, and takes out a slightly yellowed sheet of paper. "He was particularly keen for you to have this. I don't know what's written inside, I haven't read it, although in recent months I admit I've been tempted."

I chuckle, and grab the sheet of paper. "I'll let you read it yourself" and he walks away towards the anteroom, but then I hear him stop. He turns back. I can just make out his brown eyes looking at me.

"We love you Charlie, and even if you're confused right now, whatever you decide to do, we'll support you. I promise you, exactly as I promised that I would protect you until the end."

I crack a smile, only to realize he can't see me. "Is it still valid?" I say. "That promise, I mean."

"Promises are valid forever, and our bracelet is proof of this" he explains. I put my hand on his right arm, and I feel the small rough and slightly frayed outline of the bracelet, which he himself gave me an eternity of time ago.

I look up, meet him in the darkness, and wonder what I ever did that was so important to me to deserve someone like him.

I'm holding a flashlight, turned off to save battery, and Ashley's letter. I'm dying to know what it says, but at the same time, I wish I never knew. It would almost have been better if Tommy had read it, so now I would know what to expect. Sleep is now starting to set in, but I don't want to go to sleep before reading this damned letter. I tell myself that if I don't read it now, I might never find the courage to do so.

I turn on the flashlight, and open the paper folded in four. I immediately recognize Ashley's handwriting in block letters, slightly bent to the left, but very precise and defined. I first stop to look at the individual words, without attributing meaning to them, reading the sentences internally, and I imagine her committing herself, without even a rough draft, to writing these lines.

Dear Charlie. Or maybe, you're not called like that anymore now? Have you changed your name now that you've become a solitary pilgrim trying to save humanity? I imagine something cool, like "Lone Wolf"or "Lone Eagle". No, okay, they're pretty bad, I hope you found a better one.

I found the letter you left me in the diary. You said that if you decided to stay, I would be one of the main reasons, which might suggest that I was a big enough reason to stay.

I can almost picture your face right now, smeared with guilt. But you don't have to, because I only thought that for a second. Soon after, I realized that it wasn't my fault, much less all the other people who love you. You left to pursue a goal, a value, an ideal greater than anything you left behind. You would be esteemed and considered a heroine. And that's exactly what you are to me: a heroine. My favorite heroine ever.

You don't have superpowers like those hunks in the comics I'm reading (Tommy took care of bringing them to me to cheer me up), but for me you're my friend, and that's enough to make you the best ever.

You know I'm not sure what to hope for: whether you're immune or not.

I would rather have him bring you back to me, but I know it would be selfish to think that, so, I just hope you do what makes you happy. What you believe is right, what you just believe.

I believe in you, Char, and whatever you do will be fine to me.

You know that our room is far too quiet now that you are no longer here. Your bed is still opposite mine, and the sheets are still exactly as you left them the last time: undone! You never learned how to make a goddamn bed, what the hell! What superhero are you if you can't even make a fucking bed?

I'm joking: I only learned thanks to Maria, otherwise I would be lost now.

I know she seems to be very strict, but deep down, she is a sweet and caring person. She misses you Charlie, as everyone misses you equally (maybe me a little more, but don't tell Tommy because if he finds out, he'll be offended).

I miss you, Char, and I hope you are well. I hope you can reach your goal. The world still needs hope, and only you are capable of giving it back to us. Come on Charlie, we're all with you.

I love you, more than I have ever loved any friend.

You are and always will be my best friend. Always Charlie, forever, and I hope the same can be true for you too.

A strong, long and long hug (like the ones you can't stand),

your (hopefully) best friend forever,

Ashley

P.S. Tommy kept asking me if I wanted to be assigned another roommate, but I always said no unless she was also a superhero, just like you. Needless to say, he eventually gave up.