a personal journal of someone figuring out herself
⚠️ my mind consists of a Gemini, gen-Z undiagnosed ADD humanoid's thoughts that barely cares about editing⚠️
Picture Context: otw to a pregame, huge accident otw tried to take a picture🤷🏽♀️
Update: I'm sad as hell. Like the most bipolar, sad little shit I could experience. One moment I'm sexy and sunshine then the next I'm ugly and annoying. Idk and I didn't have my period yet sooooooo that's a thing. Let me stop I had my period relatively quick and my next one hasn't come yet (not a pregnancy scare but like wtf Mother Nature) ANYWAYSSS mind is always racing and that shit annoys me.
Now to the main topic at hand. WHY FUCK I FEEL SO UNLUCKY? So first thing I'm blessed due to my circle of influence, how my parents treat and love me, how I'm able to have a job and commute by myself. So in those parts I'm lucky. Even the fat ass part is a gift. But like the part that stresses me out so much is my mind and my body in other aspects. Why must I always be in my head? Professionally, casually, emotionally and even sexually. I am the epitome of anxiety. Because I can never have a natural moment. My brain would never allow it. Now honestly it's fucked up bc sometimes I'm right, the frustration with my tonsils reflects in how I talk, laugh and even do NON-FREAKING-VERBALS. It's exhausting. My personality, looks and work ethic could get me into a lot of social circles and friend groups. But when is it my turn to rest and be loved wholly. Loved in a way where my genetic makeup and lack of makeup intertwine to the beauty of a black me. A version where my luck placed me in the hands of someone that won't crush it but rather hold it gently and ensure each blood vessel is working properly. So that if a contusion occurred in this delicate area, my person would know. My person would see the gentle, shy side of me and still love it. Still know that the version of me that's bubbly, funny and sunshine is still there but just needs a couple of repairs. I want that type of luck. The luck that has me blushing and smiling at my phone randomly. The luck that gets through my dragging work days. The luck that tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, clean, feminine and the best part of their day.
........... has my luck run out? am I the type of person who's purpose in this world is to impact and never experience a life with a lover? will my mouth condition be terminal just like my lonely heart? WILL I BE THE BRIDESMAID AND NEVER THE BRIDE TYPA GURL? let me know God bc I don't know if I have it in me. seriously this world is tough and depressing and exhausting and black n white without your person. IM EVERYONES PERSON IN THEIR STORM CLOUDS BUT WHOS MINE. WHOS THAT UMBRELLA FOR ME. WHOS THAT RAINCOAT... THAT RAINBOW. THAT THING I NEED THAT ONLY THEY CAN SOLVE.
........... idk Lord is my luck running out 🙃 on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being I'm cured, 1 being I'm still insane) I think this journal entry put me at a 4. Not too low but damn sure not high.
PHOTO(S) OF THE WEEK‼️
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(Brunch photo before work)
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(Somebody parked horribly next to me and I had to take a picture for proof to my mom)
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(Artwork in my local city)
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LASTLY (these shoes are so cute; I feel like these could cure my depression)
