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You didn't have any pictures of your graduation to look at, just like you didn't have any with your family.
See, at times, you firmly believed what you read on those nameless, supportive websites that were all about explaining the chasms of the mind that science couldn't decipher. You would say that every one of your actions was the result of a lack of knowledge about basic behavior. You would say that you had no role model to follow.
Blame. That's the best thing to hide behind. Blaming life, the environment, and anyone you can blame, really.
But then you would look to the sky, and the drops falling from the heavens would cry in your stead, would comfort you enough to face your reality.
A mourner, if we had been in the ancient times. Someone you would watch crying because you simply had no tears to shed.
Had almost no reason for tears, for you had almost no regrets. Just blames.
But the rain didn't have the power to erase the past or cleanse the present. Rain was simply a natural phenomenon caused by the evaporation of water in the scorching season, filling the clouds until they spilled their contents. You didn't have to act so philosophical about it; you knew better. Your curiosity and hunger for wisdom gave you enough intel to figure out that science and philosophy are two different subjects.
Fuck the pictures; Jungkook didn't care about that, refused to put his up so you wouldn't feel different. Refused to attend family reunions so you wouldn't have to justify why yours was never by your side. For the first few years of your relationship, he went without the Christmas decorations he loved so much so you wouldn't get nostalgic about experiences you never had the luck to live, until one blessed year you brought the tree and decorated it to the best of your ability, taking him by surprise.
You admired his sensibility.
Despised it as well.
Pity is something no one likes. It hurt more to see people walking on eggshells to avoid hurting you. Hell, it hurt more than witnessing motherly affection or a father's sense of protection. The suffocation that materialized from his overprotective behavior made you doubt your feelings for him. But there is no need for unreasonable conclusions. You had feelings for Jungkook, loved him unconditionally even, but sometimes love and hate can coexist, and when that happens, the line becomes blurred.
But no, no way in hell. Reproach may have haunted your heart, but love was greater and more palpable. You loved Jungkook despite his flaws; in fact, you loved him with his flaws. The problem here is that you loved him a little too much.
You loved him so much that you refused to face him unmasked, to let him catch a glimpse of your scars, and oh lord, you had many. Sometimes the thought of flushing out the pus and letting the scar heal on its own appealed to you, and you blamed him for such thoughts. He kept repeating his vow of acceptance, telling you that the universe is within you and that the universe, though flawed, is fascinating and impressive.
