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Fucking last night was amazing, me and Josiah fucked all night long, The most vulnerable I've seen him..
I felt like we were more than fuck buddies last night..
I know I was the one who set the whole friends with benefits thing up but i think im falling hard as fuck..
Like.. Gotta nigga feelin real down bad.
Little does his fine ass know, as soon as he tells me he wanna be more I'm ready to drop this casual fucking we got going on.. I can call it love, but I don't know..
I wanna be with Josiah but I'd never say that shit to his face.
I'm not tryna ruin what we got going on. Just in case he doesn't find me attractive nor boyfriend material ...
I woke up this early morning to sniffing, opening my eyes and looking over to the man who was sitting up beside me on the phone as tears streamed down his face..
"baby?" I asked out of habit, he instantly hung up and laid into my chest hugging me tight, both of us still naked from last night .. I allowed him to cry into my chest, ignoring the tears that fell onto my chest.. As long as he didn't put pressure on my bullet wound..
"Baby.. M-my dad! H-he died last night, My mother blamed it on me! She said they found the shooter this morning, It was my Ex Mark.. I feel so stupid, I- I need to go im so sorry.. please just take me home, I don't want you to get involved in my mess." Josiah cried and soon got up from lying on my chest and pulling his sleeping clothes from last night back on..
"Do you want me to take you to go see your mother? You both should be there for each other —" I said as a fully dressed Josiah mugged me with his teary eyes..
"Why would I want to go comfort the woman that continuously blames things on me and isn't accepting of my Sexuality ? —just l-like my dad!" Josiah cried as I soon got up from the bed now pulling my clothes on.. "JoJo that's yo mom.. Yeah she gonna say stupid shit and sometimes mean it but — She loved your dad right? Be there for her." I told him as I thought back to my father dying and me being there for my mother..
" d-don't call me That.. My father called me that.. and you sound so weird right now! Out of all people I expected you to understand since your mother tries to set you up with random rude ass woman." Josiah told me as I frowned watching as he wiped his tears away.
For some reason, I want to hug his sad ass, I feel so bad no one should have to go through any of this losing people shit.. that hurts on a different level..
I soon brought myself over to the man now wrapping my arms around his waist as I gave him a tight— caring hug
He broke down in my arms, "Harlem I'm sad he's gone. But apart of me is relieved and thats why it's hitting me so hard! I feel so fucking guilty !!" josiah continued to cry as I sighed soon deciding to pull him away and speak as I looked into his eyes..
"I'm here for you. What do you need baby..?" I askd Josiah as he wiped his tears, I've seen Josiah vulnerable but nothing like this, not this emotionally vulnerable, and I feel like shit for seeinf it speaking that he has his guard up for some reason..
Did he think id hurt him like mark did? I'm not a killer —
"Harlem take me home now."
★
A week later..
I soon sighed as I pull into Josiah's driveway of his home — I glanced over at him for a few seconds before soon sighing and shaking my head..
I just gave him the best dick, and he won't even at least admit that? Last week when Josiah's father died , I took him home, not even a goodbye.. and just earlier today he finally replied back to my messages with an ' 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐬𝐨 𝐰𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞. ' Josiah soon unbuckled the seatbelt from across him now
If I ever wanted an actual relationship with Josiah it probably would never work out due to his trust issues from his past experiences .. And now, I feel like every time his the wrong time. Josiahs father just died so imagine how he'd feel if I ask him if he'd give me a chance.. He isn't worried about relationships right now.. A few things i love about Josiah? He's shy and always nervous but when prevoked he will go off, It makes me feel better because I wouldn't have to protect him from 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬. I'm quick to protect him from anything else fuck buddy or not..
Josiah doesn't know his worth, I think he's confused and hurt by his past and thats getting in the way of 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦 ever possibly being ANYTHING. If he knows whats best for him and his happiness I feel like he should give me an chance, but what if he wants me but doesn't wanna make the first move? I'd never know . I'd expect he'd at least like me a tad bit , he calls me baby sometimes like I do him but I can't help but to wonder if we both mean it in two different ways or what..
"wait.."
"hm?"
"why you being like that? Any other time you all goofy and smiley acting. Quit with the dryness and invite me in so we can just chill." I told josiah watching as his face twisted up turning into a mixture of an expression with furrowed eyebrows and an frown..
"Harlem I meant it when I said yes, when you asked me if the only thing I wanted from you was sex. Back at the park.. Did you mean that? Or did you somehow fall for me? Because if you did then maybe w-we should stop al-together.. I'm not looking for any lover, man nor woman." Josiah told me as I soon felt my heart sank..
I hesitated "I'm not into you."
Silence soon took over, I looked over ay Josiah who held his head in his hands as he exhaled finally opening my car door getting out.. We locked eyes as he soon closed my car door behind him now walking to his front door unlocking it..
I soon pull off, our conversation the only thing on my mind as i yell out curses frustratedly .
