call of duty

ptsd (keegan)

           TW: ptsd , panick attack, choking , raw emotions.
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War. War changes people in many different ways. It's not something that one could simply forget. You can't pocket what you saw and stuff it away in a small part of your brain that you hope you never see again. You can't hide from it, you can't run from it. You're stuck with it forever. You may not be on that battle field anymore but that battle field will always be apart of you. No matter the medication,  no matter the help it will catch up you just have to be strong enough to fight it.

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Sleeping next to your significant other is always a dream especially when his body is warm and holding you against him. You slept peacefully next to keegan who was snoring away and twitching like a man does by now you've gotten used to his body twitching randomly , you never knew why his body did that but it didn't bother you as much as you thought it would.

Keegan had been back from deployment for a little over 3 months you both spent hours upon hours with each other since he had been gone for a little less than a year. Now you could never know what he was really doing every day on deployment but you knew it was enough to change someone mentally and physically so you always tried your best to prepare yourself for how his mind and body would react to the change of being home than on deployment. They live different on deployment.

You were tangled up in his body relaxing as time ticked away half asleep and content with your lover finally in bed next to you again. His body occasionally twitced there was no sign of the nightmare he was having  until his hands were on your throat , his body ontop of yours. You hadn't realized just how heavy his body was until it was on top of you or how strong he was until his hands were wrapped around your throat choking you. You gasped eyes flew open at the sudden lack of air.

His eyes stared into yours , his face angry his breath coming out in pants and huffs. You clawed at his hands , arms and neck begging to be freed at least enough for some air. "Keegan...!" You tried your best to scream in between shallow breaths. Come on ... come on , you just have too wake him! He isn't really awake even tho his eyes bored into yours.

You stretched your neck , tilting your head back you loosened his grip slightly enough for you to breathe a little easier. Your chest and lungs burned as you gasped for air , your legs kicking and kneeing him in any way in hopes to be freed from this nightmare. "Keegan ... Keegan please!!... i.. I can't breathe."

"Die ... die!" His voice rumbled through the room tears rolled down your cheeks as the fight got harder and harder. Gasping for air you managed to knee him in the crotch,  instantly you were freed.

Rolling off the bed onto the floor you gasped loudly a loud sob escaped your lips as your heart raced and your body shook. You couldn't believe this was happening or that this had happened. From all of the commotion your bedroom door swung open revealing price who was your next door neighbor. His eyes widen at the sight of your red and raw throat it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened before him.

Keegan now awake looked around the room panicked. He watched you run into the bathroom slamming the door. He looked at price who had a worried look on his face. "W...what happened?" Keegan asked price. Price shook his head "you had a night terror, son." Price was not new to these types of situations , he's had to pull grown men off of each other a time or two.

You stood in front of the skin gripping the sink until ur knuckles turn white. Breathing heavily trying to suck in as much air as possible price knocked om the door. "Sweetheart... let me in." You quickly unlocked the door before standing back afraid keegan would come in after price.

Price walked in closing the door behind him. "What happened?" He asked. He knew the obvious but was curious what led to it.

"I-i...I was just sleeping.. . H..he was just sleeping.." you spoke quietly. Your throat burned from screaming and begging him to wake up and release you.

"So , nothing led up to this? He didn't say anything.. do anything?"

You shook your head at price's words. Your hands shaky as price gently held ur head in place so he could look over your neck and rule out any damage. You closed your eyes as he examined you but quickly opened them as the sight of before ran across your mind.

"Hey .. hey its ok , its just me" you nodded and price and sighed still shooken up over the whole ordeal.

The sound of keegan knocking on the door caught your attention , you looked at the door as he knocked. "Please ... please y/n I'm sorry ... is she ok?" His voice trembled as he spoke making your heart ache. You knew this wasn't him , that wasn't him. You couldn't hold that against him , it wasn't his fault.

"You don't have to speak to him or see him until you're ready.." price rubbed your shoulders.

"No no, this wasn't his f..fault.. I know that.." you whispered as you opened the door. You took in the sight before you. His neck red and raw , bleeding from you clawing at his neck. His eyes blood shot from the nightmare and the crying. He looked like such a mess.

Keegan gasped as he looked at your neck. His hand prints wrapped around your throat. He backed away slowly his breathing picking up. "Oh no..  oh no.." He cried his hands shaking as he stared at you in horror. "No no no.." His hands covered his mouth shaking as he shook his head.

"Hey.. hey no I'm ok, see? I know it wasn't your fault.. you had a nightmare.." you tried to reassure him as he continued to back away , providing enough space between you two.

"No no no.." He started to panic his hands shaking more his breathing coming out as labored breaths.

"Baby please.." you stepped forward "you're going into a panic attack.." you tried to talk him through it to the best of your ability.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.." He shook his hand trying to breathe. "I.. I hurt you.." His eyes on your throat as he cried. "I.. I hurt my baby.." He gasped shaking his head.

"Son, you didn't mean too . . It's ok .. calm down.. we can get you some help.." price tried to reason with him and help him through the panic attack.

"I'm sorry.... I'm sorry , I'm sorry" was all he said while he cried "what have I done... what have I done!" You flinched at his raised voice now crying yourself at the sight of his panic all you wanted was to comfort him so you did.

You fast walked over to him wrapping your arms around him as he cried in to you. He slowly slid down the wall you following him. "Shh...shh it's ok baby , it's ok I promise.." you held his head to your chest and sat beside him wrapping your small frame around him the best you could in hopes it would shield him from himself.

"You didn't mean too I know you didn't.." you whispered kissing the top of his head as he sobbed into your chest. You sat like that with him until he calmed down. Price left after a while leaving you two alone. You held keegan close combing your fingers through his hair as he calmed down from hyperventilating.

"I'm gonna get you some help ok?" You whispered "there's someone who can help you through this better than I can." You rubbed his shoulder his body still shaking as he sniffled and huffed trying to calm down further.

"I won't leave you I promise keegs.. it's you and me against the world.. we can fight this .. together.." you brushed his hair away from his face leaving a soft kiss on his lips. "I know it hurts baby.." you rocked with him in your arms like a mother with her infant. His panicked breaths slowly returned to normal. Your throat burned less but throbbed still. You knew you were gonna be sore for a while.

"You're going to be okay my love .. this was just an accident.." you reassured him as he rested against you still. A small part of your was scared,  scared of him at what he could possibly do but you knew helping him was better than leaving him. "I love you keegan russ...for better ...or for worse.." you kissed his head as you two sat on the floor wrapped in each other's embrace.