Janice Lance Book 1: Monday Blues (Revised Edition)

Chapter 12

I sat down on the couch with my mother, and for the first time in a long time, I had a regular conversation with her. Somehow along the line, we went from talking about our favorite movies to talking about her childhood.

Out of the blue, I asked her," What was your best subject in school?" She smiled broadly. "Math. But my favorite was Social Studies." Well, I guess that like-mother-like-daughter thing isn't too far off. Honestly, I never realized how much I never knew about my own mother.

" Did you have a lot of friends?" She had to think a bit about it for a little while, and said," I had a few friends to talk to, but I never was a big party-goer or anything like that if that's what you mean."

My mom looked at me and she said, " It's not bad to have a couple of friends you know." It sounded as if she was talking to a wounded animal. But I didn't need her pity. I didn't need that from anyone, and I indisputably didn't want it. Geez, Ms. Dot's really been rubbing off on me. I wanted to tell her that I did have friends and that even though I didn't have a friend group, I still had a few friends. I wanted to tell her that even though I didn't have a best friend, Mary Taylor was the closest person I had to one. Danny doesn't (didn't) count. But I just couldn’t.

"Sometimes I despise people." I abruptly said without thinking. "Sometimes I really, really don't like them." Not even me. That was what I made sure I didn't say. She looked unsure of what to say, and I started talking. " I don't like people at my school. They're mean and annoying, and ghetto," I didn't even remember that my mother hated that word. She preferred the term 'ignorant.'

“Hardly anyone at my school even pays attention to me, and if they do, they only want to insult me!”

I just couldn't help myself. I was blabbering on and on without a break, and my mother seemed to sense that I had something on my mind. It was almost like I was talking to myself, and I didn't care. I was feeling so bitter and angry that I just had to let it all out.

"Andrew Lawrence is going to be the death of me. He's got those stupid pretty eyes and always has his nose buried in a book. He's such a jerk. I wish I didn't like him so much."

I didn't think it was stupid to tell my mother that, so I just kept ranting.

"I don't even like myself that much. What's there to like? All I do is read and study. I don't hang out with people, I don't talk to people. I just read those boring books because I'm scared to try anything else. I doubt anyone is like that.  Who can't even be bothered to help someone-"

Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. My mother gingerly wiped my eyes and asked, "Baby, why didn't you-"

"Because you already have enough to worry about. You quit your dream job because Dad wanted to do the same thing. And now he's working harder and harder, and Danny- he- it's not fair- and I've been so selfish- and I just- I'm sorry!"

I was sobbing, and I didn't realize how terrible I felt until my mother hugged me tighter than she ever had. All I kept saying was, "I'm sorry, I love you." I hugged her back so tightly.

After a while, I looked up and saw that her eyes were red-rimmed and teary. She loves me. "Why don't you go to bed?" she suggested. I nodded and said, "Sure." She loves me.

So I went to bed and thought about my entire day, about Andrew Lawrence and my friends, and about Danny. I wondered if people have a way of finding their way back to each other, or if you only get one chance to connect with that person, and if you lose it, it's gone forever.

I wondered if there was a reason I didn't feel alone when I looked up at the stars. I thought about how a mother can love their child even when they're treating them so terribly. Or how a couple of friends can make your day better, and how a so-called troublemaker could make you happier than you’ve felt in a really long time. I stopped wondering and stopped thinking, and just fell asleep.

The End