Aelin
A moan escapes my lips as I give in to pure bliss. The knots in my back begin to loosen and it feels like a weight has been lifted from the day. A bath had never felt better than it did at this moment, and I lay back in ecstasy. Apologies be damned. Nikolai's ego would have to be coddled tomorrow. I stay in for what feels like hours before coming out to prepare for the night.
I'm about to fall back on my bed when I hear a series of knocks on the door.
"Who is it?" I ask unsure.
"May I come in?"
I pause in sheer surprise. I want to say no. I want to pretend to be asleep although I had already indicated otherwise. I grip the door handle, weighing if ignoring his knocks would be more brutal than hearing him lecture on.
"I can hear you breathing Aelin, I come in peace."
I move to unlock the door, gripping the knob tight. I pause to close my eyes. A wave of anxiousness passes through me. Not giving my will any more chance to waver, I open the door coming face to face with my brother.
"It is late." I say almost immediately.
"Yes, well I can't sleep." He brushes his hair away from his eyes and inches his way into my room.
I eye him in curiosity. The bed lowers as he makes himself comfortable on it and I eventually join. My eyes dart across the room, begging to look anywhere but at him. I didn't know what to say to him and from the way his fingers were now twitching over each other, he was struggling too. We mirror each other as the silence becomes too uncomfortable to bear, none of us making any attempts to speak. Neither of us willing to take the necessary steps to an apology.
I use the time to study Nikolai. My brother's always been a towering person. His presence sometimes feels suffocating. Observing him now, he looks smaller, almost folded in a way. Awkwardness becomes worry and I turn his face to mine and hold it in my hands. Looks like my brother, talks like him, but still I couldn't seem to recognize the person in front of me. The soft sheen in his eyes and the darkness surrounding them speak volumes.
"Nik... When was the last time you had a proper sleep?" I demand softly.
He sighs. "Sleep?"
"A foreign concept for a commander of the king's army I fear."
And just like that I feel like the worst sister ever. For all the name calling and anger, I didn't take to seeing my brother in pain nonetheless be the cause of it.
"They're overworking you." I whisper. "I don't seem to be helping you either, do I?"
He gives me a weak smile before ruffling my hair, a semblance of what he would do to me when we were kids.
"Ni an du perúis . The gods have just been cruel to me these days."
(You are not the cause)
"The gods should take pity on those who've done right by them." I hit back. The gods were said to be merciless beings, serving in the needs as it benefited them. I shudder as I walk to my desk. There were stories upon stories depicting their days before they had disappeared eons ago. Stories that still made my head turn every time I remembered them.
I look through my drawers till I find what I want. A special blend of tea mixes my grandfather had given me. Serenity and calm, he had said. I prepare a cup for my brother, adding just enough to soothe him for the night.
"I know I'm hard on you." I hear him say. "I do not do it to make you feel incapable, I do it because I'm the only one who truly knows you. If I am to make sure you are ready for the world, I cannot relent on you."
"Is it truly relenting if you just let me do what I do best instead of worrying about that which I do not?" I ask.
"I worry Aelin."
"For you. For us." He walks to me, p "The realm is a cruel and dangerous place. I'd hoped by now things would have settled but..."
Nikolai shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have been so hard today. We can forget archery tomorrow."
As far as apologies went, this was as far as we would get. It was a weird thing between us, not saying the direct words but communicating through our words and actions. Confusing, but it was our way and it was enough for us.
"I should go." He hastily picks himself up and heads for my door.
I place myself in front of it and urge the cup forward. "Drink."
With an appreciative smile, he drinks from the cup.
As I watch him, a sliver of guilt rolls down my body and I begin to fall into my thoughts. He's hard on me, but isn't that every big brother's job? Do they feel guilty after being so harsh? Am I to feel guilty for making him feel this way?
Perhaps I ought not to be so stubborn. Nikolai always compares my stubbornness to that of our mother's. A comparison I've always accepted. He's had so much on his shoulders since he became commander, emulating a standard already set.
"Your worry for me warms my heart Ael..." he starts, gulping down the rest of the cup's content. Almost as though he could hear my thoughts. I snap out of my daze and look up at him, surprised.
Ael.
He hadn't called me that in a long while. Ael. I throw both arms around Nikolai. His words convey so much, I can't help the soft smile that appeares.
He returns my hug with a tight squeeze, lifting me slightly off the floor.
"I am not the only one who's worried." I whisper. "Your wall is a sight for sore eyes."
His eyebrows furrow in confusion before understanding hits. His lips move as if to say something but then close and shrug.
"I don't need to know why, but we made a promise Nik. Go to him tonight. He won't admit it but he misses you."
He gives me a smile. "Perhaps."
Cup now in my hand, I accept his tender goodnight kiss on my forehead as he leaves, my brother's footsteps fade down the echoing halls. I lay awake for hours after he leaves, but when sleep finally falls, I feel more content and peaceful than I have been in a very long while.
