Ode To Joy

Chapter 1

Beginning

I wake up in cold sweats, my body seemingly stuck in it's position.

Or at least i thought i woke up, stupid sleep paralysis..

I try to shake and move as much as I can, until I finally actually wake up and I actually felt the same I did in paralysis, I keep waking from nightmares every night this way.. I look over at an plush frog my

fiance gave to me before he died, the images of that day kept replaying in my mind, and it has haunted me for months on end, nonstop, I've tried therapy, I've tried talking to friends, I've tried relaxing or feeling in any way sane without my Chris,

I usually have nightmares anyway, but these are so much worse, Chris was an psychologist, and he always lowered my amount of nightmares, or

comforted me whenever I needed it, he knew exactly what to do to make me feel a lot better, but now he's gone.. And I have no-one, no-one but silence, and darkness, and the fact I've once again

have woken up way before my alarm went off, as in 3-4 hours before 6:00AM, the time I should be getting to work at the pharmacy, I may as well wake up, sleep isn't an option at this point, my nights have

been this way for the past 3 months after Chris passed, it happened 48 hours before we were going to get married, we had been dating for about 10

years, and he proposed to me on year 9, on a rather warm day in November, at the Posies and Rosies park, we were at the end of a date, I happily accepted, I hugged him tightly, but a little too tightly as he was squealing a bit so I loosened my grip a bit and apologized, he hugged me back and there we stood for a while..

Staring out into the sunset, happy, content, so innocent, leaves blowing in the wind, our hands connected, that was the happiest moment of my life, marrying the best man I could ask for, I remember one night, I had a bad dream about him dying, and he pulled me close to his chest and told me it was all ok, he was right there, that he'd be there as long as he could, and he looked down at me while rubbing through my hair, and his hand around my waist,

"Promise me Elise... That if I do someday pass on, that you..that you'll be strong, please.. Don't shut yourself out from others.. It'll make the pain worse.. Please Elise..."

Were the words he said to me, I promised tearfully, as a child, I didn't exactly have the best childhood, everyone I knew had seemed to die around me, or move away from me, or act weird around me after a while, my own parents seemed disappointed in me

every little mistake I made, and I can be very sensitive whenever I make a mistake and someone else sees it.

"Promise me something too Chris..."

I said to him in return that night, he looked at me intently,

"Please don't die on me.. Your all I have.."

I said hugging him tightly, I felt him move his hand up slowly from my waist and he moved his hand to my face, I melted to his gentle touch.

"I...I can't promise that peaches.."

I looked at him worryingly.