Harry Potter: A Parody

Chapter 1: Dumbledore's Secret

Author's note:

This chapter contains references to the musical ''A Very Potter Musical''.

"Dear students, it is with great pleasure that I announce that I'm gay"

"Everyone knows," Said McGonagall with a roll of her eyes,''You have a picture of Grindelwald in your office. And certainly, not an appropriate picture for other people to see. It's very... suggestive''.

Dumbledore gave her a piercing stare

"U don't get to say his name, you Scottish slag!"

The students stared at them confused. McGonagall gave him a dirty look, her eyes turning to slits but stayed silent.

''Well, I think new decorations would be appropriate'' and with a move of his wand the Great Hall was decorated with pride flags, ''Gay is in, gay is the way. That is why I'd like to introduce you to the new addition to Hogwarts. Please welcome the Scarf of Sexual Preference''.

"Please, just Scarfy is fine" The rainbow scarf blushed and bowed to the students

The students clapped, still confused, and not sure of what to make of recent developments. Except...

''Finally!'' exclaimed Malfoy, clapping the loudest, ''I have a confession to make as well. I'm-''

''No one cares, Malfoy, you little shit. Sit'', said Dumbledore glaring at him, ''This is my moment, ok? Thank u. Stop trying to steal my spotlight''. Malfoy looked down and said: ''This is why I prefer Pigfarts. Besides, it's on Mars''.

The Gryffindor table erupted with applause. And someone yelled, ''Yes, Malfoy. Fuck off''.

"I think this is a good thing," said Hermione Granger "Too many of us still haven't accepted our...''

"Shut up Hermione!" Ron and Harry said in unison then turned to each other with a grin and high-fived. Hermione huffed, crossed her arms, and turned her body away from the pair.

''Red vine?'', asked Ron.

''You know it'', said Harry with a grin.

"Now we will begin the sorting of preferences..."

''Is this really necessary, headmaster'', said Snape cooly.

''Absolutely, Severus, you handsome devil''.

Snape blushed and his eyes widened. He recoiled back into his seat silently.

''You should go first, Severus, we are all dying to know...''

''No!'' but it was too late, Dumbledore had already put the scarf around his neck.

''Lily Evans!'' yelled the scarf. ''He really has it bad for her''.

Harry's mouth dropped and the half-chewed Red Vine fell from it. The rest of Hogwarts houses turned to look at Harry, who went sickly pale with his eyes like saucers.

Snape threw the scarf and sobbed, he sprang up and ran from the Great Hall wiping tears from his eyes with his sleeves as he left.

"Well, on that note...who's next?"

"ME!" yelled Draco as he ran up to the owl lectern with an excited look on his face. He smiled enthusiastically at Dumbledore who looked back at him with a mixture of disgust and contempt.

"Anyone else wants to go next?" He asked looking out onto the rest of the students, hoping that one of them might rescue him from the annoying little shit. But alas, they remained stone-faced and seemed hesitant. Only Hermione Granger smiled back at him but before he could call on her, Draco snatched Scarfy and put it around his neck, Scarfy tried to fight him off but it was in vain. Draco shuddered with anticipation. Scarfy scrunched its face and then yelled "Harry Potter"