Don't Ever Say Things Like That

"Go on without me, my courageous friends! The quest for the Golden Skull must continue! I will stay here and hold Duurgaron the Second's horde back as long as possible! Find the Skull! Save king Tiberius's realm! Even though I was brought back from the cold embrace of death to fight Duurgaron's son, like I had fought his father before him, I've always known my destiny was to die on a field of glory. Go on, leave me! Fly, you fools!" – monologued Chloe the Elf Barbarian.

The game session was nearing its climax. Steph, as always, was the dungeon master. The party of heroes consisted of Chloe the Elf Barbarian (during her first session with Steph and Mikey Chloe had considered naming her character Callamastia, or even Barb, but she had decided that if she really shared being "angry, skinny and weird" with her character, they might as well share a name, too), Max the Half-Halfling Druid (Max had decided to follow Chloe's naming convention for characters) and Elamon the Mage. Pixie's character didn't take part in that particular adventure, because Pixie had band practice.

"Don't ever say things like that" – said Max quietly, with a stern face, staring at the minifigures on the table.

Steph and Mikey waited in anticipation, curious what dramatic thing Max the Half-Halfling Druid would say to her comrade in arms, Chloe the Elf Barbarian.

But Chloe felt Max was not role-playing anymore. She said to Max, breaking character: "Come on, Max. I have only one health point left and the bleeding effect will be applied to my character for five more turns. I'm going to die next turn, anyway. It's inevitable".

Max turned to Chloe, put her hands on Chloe's shoulders and said loudly, her voice cracking and tears welling in her eyes: "Don't ever say things like that!" Then she hugged Chloe and started sobbing in her arm. Chloe was surprised. After a few heartbeats she returned the embrace.

"Steph, when you invited me over you told me Max has turned out to be really good at role-playing, but I have a feeling it's no longer Max the Druid speaking, just Max" – remarked Mikey.

"Yeah, that much is obvious, Mikey. Max, are you okay? Chloe, what's going on?"

"It's my fault. Every time I open my big mouth I make people I care about sad. The things I said as my character, they must have reminded Max of a very bad moment we had shared. I didn't even think about. I'm so stupid!" – Chloe was beating herself up.

Max kept crying unconsolably.

"You ... You want to talk with us about it? You don't have to, obviously" – Steph offered to listen, which is sometimes both the only and the best thing one can do when a friend has a problem.

"When the Storm hit Arcadia Bay" – from Mikey's and Steph's faces it was obvious that the mere mention of that horrible day from four years ago was painful to them too – "I was with Max. We tried to get to safety together. And we eventually did. But on the way, at one point I ..." - Chloe hesitated for a moment, but she found strength to continue – "I told Max to leave me behind. To let me die. I told her it was my fate. That I didn't deserve to live. And I meant every single word of it. But Max refused to let go of me. She saved my life. I haven't even thought about that moment in over a year. But with my stupid role-playing I reopened that wound for Max. It's not fair! I asked her to kill me! I should be the one constantly reliving it! And yet I almost forgot about that moment while Max is still haunted by it".

"Jesus Christ, Chloe. I'm so sorry. I knew you were in a bad place after me and Steph left for college, but I didn't know it was that bad. If only we had known ..."

"It's okay Mikey. You were my friends, not my therapists. I was glad you left for greener pastures. The thought of leaving Arcadia Bay was the only thing keeping me going before Max came back. And I could've reached out to you both, too".

Max was beginning to calm down. She breathed deeply. Her tears had left a wet stain on Chloe's shirt.

Chloe placed her hands on Max's cheeks and gently turned Max's face up, so that she could look deep into her eyes.

"I'm so sorry for saying stupid shit like that, Max. I should've thought about how that could make you feel. I will always be with you, just like I promised. I will never make you choose like that ever again. I never want to hurt you. Ever!"

Max wiped her tears with her hands and her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. She took a deep breath and exhaled, calming her voice.

"Chloe, you don't ever have to put on a brave face for me. If you ever start feeling like that again, you have to tell me. If you ever feel like you can't go on ..."

"With you at my side? Never. Never!" – Chloe quickly assured Max.

They hugged again. Once Chloe let her out of her embrace, Max was calm, only her slightly red eyes betraying she had cried moments before. She kept holding Chloe's hand, tightly, as if she was afraid someone or something might attempt to take her beloved away. Again.

Steph and Mikey felt tears welling in their eyes, too. Partly because of the heart-breaking scene taking place before them and partly because they remembered the people they had lost on that day. But they both tried their hardest to push their sorrow down.

Max turned to them. "Steph, Mikey, I have to ask you something. I know I can't possibly know how you feel. Steph, you lost your mom, and Mikey, you lost your brother" – that was not true. Max knew perfectly well how it felt to lose a loved one. She had lost Chloe multiple times. And each time it had torn her heart apart – "Would you do everything to save them?"

Steph closed her eyes to prevent tears from escaping. She said with deep conviction: "I would do anything to save my mom. I would give everything to save her". When she opened her eyes, the tears were gone.

"Me too" - said Mikey quietly – "Anything and everything".

Max had wanted to ask that question to someone who had lost a loved one in the Storm for years. But she realized that their answer, even though it was precisely the one she had wanted to hear, changed nothing about how she felt. Max from three years ago would have felt absolved from her supposed sins. But now it didn't matter. Somewhere along the way she had realized that leaving Chloe to die would have made her a much worse monster than refusing to do so ever could, even if the former choice would have somehow stopped the Storm. When Chloe asked her to kill her, for Max there was no choice, no hesitation. She tore up the photograph in anger. Anger that Chloe had been made to feel that way. Hopeless. Worthless. Consigned to oblivion. For months after the Storm Max felt guilty that she hadn't even considered all the lives on the other side of that sadistic bargain. But now she was proud of herself that in that moment of great fear and sorrow, soon after emerging from the darkness and pain of Mister Jefferson's lair, she had been able to see clearly and to stand by Chloe's side, even though the cold, cruel world had done everything to lure her the wrong way. Nobody had the right to judge her, not unless they were willing to kill their own loved ones. Which would make them monsters, so even less entitled to judging her.

The session was over. All four of them decided to pretend the scene never happened, to let their respective wounds start healing again. But it was obvious that they would all think about it for weeks to come.

Steph packed up her minifigures. They went for coffee and ice cream. They talked about the movies and music. They all knew that when bad things happen to you, you never completely get over them. Sometimes they come back to haunt you. And the best thing you can do then is to start moving forward in time again. And if you have loved ones and friends to lift you up, it gets easier with each passing moment.