Undetached

Holding on

Your body is away from me
but there is a window open
from my heart to yours.

From this window, like the moon
I keep sending news secretly.

—-
My eyes opened slowly, straining to clear my vision. I could feel it. The time. I didn't sleep long enough. I grabbed my phone that had wedged itself under my pillow, and reluctantly looked at the time.

3:27 am
Battery 11%
"great"

I dropped my phone next to me. My hands swung up from under the blanket onto my face with utter disappointment in myself. My hands slid from my eyes down my cheeks; then promptly flopped down in frustration as I stared up at the dimly lit ceiling. I laid there for a minute pondering if I should to force myself back to sleep, but I knew that would only lead down a dark road. My mind was too active now. It was too late.

I dragged myself up off my bed knowing if I didn't get up soon my mind would start to wonder and it would only get worse.

"Why're you doing this?"
"Why can't you just fucking sleep?"
"Stop doing this to yourself"
"You should've tried harder!"

These words echoed over, and over in my head.

I walked into my bathroom, dragging my feet across the cold floor. Passing by the mirror. Making sure not to take a second look. My stomach was already starting to tense up. I hated it. I hated this feeling everytime my brain started to work. I just wanted to feel nothing. I just wanted to relax. Just for a minute. I sat down on the toilet. Sitting there I couldn't help thinking how it wasn't fair that everyone else around me seemed so fine, and so careless. While I spent every waking moment feeling like this.

"Come on, pee."

My eyes squinted shut. I had to put my mind in the exact right space just to be able to pee. "This is so pathetic." I thought to myself. I held my head in my hands breathing in big puffs, straining my body. Finally release.

I spent most of the night laying in my bed staring at my phone. Watching meaningless shit just to distract my mind. Feeling so alone. Feeling so empty, yet so full of feeling. So many thoughts. As the warm sun crept through my blinds a sudden sense of being absolutely calm came over me. Then I remembered, the feeling wasn't calm. It was exhaustion. Of course. As soon as I'm supposed to be waking up this is when I get tired. My eyes began to feel heavier, and slowly started to shut. Everything was getting so quiet. Just when I was slipping into my sweet nothingness the alarm blasted into my ear.

My body jolted me awake. My eyes opened frantically with sun reflecting on them making them instantly brighten up. Then just as quickly dimming back down, as my minds consciousness returned. I jumped out of my bed, and stumbled into the bathroom. I was late. My first day going to a new school in a new town. My first time without her here to tell me it'll be ok. As if this day could get any worse.

As I stared into the mirror my eyes couldn't focus on anything, but their own dark reflection. I looked like I hadn't slept in days. My brush moved through my hair as I attempted to make it less of a catastrophe. I always had my dark brown hair parted down the middle of my head. It was all moved off of my face for the most part, but somehow always felt in my way. Felt like an inconvenience. I hated the way it would rub against my back if I wore a thin shirt or a tank top. Or the way some pieces would fall forward into my eyes if I laid my head on my arm. I wish I could cut it all off, but I can't get the memories of my mom running her fingers through it out of my head. I forcefully pushed it behind my ears, out of my way.

"This is as it's gonna get I guess."

I threw on a grey Long sleeve and some black leggings. Along with my solid black converse shoes. Whatever was near me, whatever is quickest. I wasn't trying to impress anyone I just needed to get through this.

"7:45 let's go. Now!"
My aunt Carla dauntingly screeched from downstairs.
"I will leave you here Ella!"

I felt tense hearing her voice. Especially in this tone. She's nothing like mom, how can she be her sister? How can she be the one who's still here instead of you?

I slid my body into the backseat of Carla's car. She got in shortly after. She slammed her door closed. Her bleached hair blew back from the close of the door. She started the car, and we pulled out of her long well kept driveway.

As we started down the street I noticed her eyes glaring at my though the rear view mirror. I knew she was about to start up with something. I could see her thoughts written all over her face.

We were never close, but she had been like this all summer. So cold. Her mouth opened, and words of disapproval flooded out.

"I don't understand why you refuse to try. I mean for god sakes Ella, did you even brush your hair? What are you wearing?"

We got to stop light, coming to a standstill.
She turned around to face me.

"First impressions are everything."
She insisted with her hand gripping the steering wheel tightly.

My eyes glossed over as I tried to block it out. I looked past her at the street light. It softened, and fuzzed into my head as it began to go blurry.

All I could do was imagine what my mind pleaded this was right now.

My mother's sweet face appeared in my mind. Her beautiful smile. Hazel eyes with green around the iris. The way they reflected in the light as she told me how much she loved me. Her comforting presence. Her warmth. The way she would always leave me a note on my nightstand before my first day. A note of love, and encouragement. It echoed in my mind. The graceful handwriting. The heart shape of the sticky note. My home. Her cooking. The memories are all that kept me going anymore.

Hauntingly my memory was only a fantasy that lasted for so long, before I was shoved back into reality as the car began to move again.

Carla's voice began to fade back into my head. I could hear the tone of anger, and frustration. She had already turned back around, and the car was rolling across the road getting closer to this school I'd never laid my eyes on. She suddenly became silent, and the rest of the ride stayed that way.

The thought of school was like a torture daily sequence. Don't get me wrong, I had always done really well in school. Got straight A's. Never got in any trouble. Maybe it was cause I was too invisible to get in trouble? I'm not sure. I didn't care for friends or even acquaintances. While all my peers would be having the time of their lives (peaking in highschool). I would be trying my hardest to just black out the day, and somehow end up back alone in my room. Alone where if I were to fall apart no one would see it happen.

I wasn't always like this. Granted I always had my problems, but it wasn't like this. I didn't despise school before. I would do my work and get through the day, looking forward to getting home.

Now, since she's been gone it's so stressful. The mere thought of having to do anything that involves putting on a face to try to convince everyone around me I'm not a train wreck; only makes my life more hell than it already is.

My mother was the glue holding me together.
I guess she probably knew that.

The car pulled to the front of the school, coming to a sudden halt.

For a second I was waiting for Carla to say something to me. Anything. Like mom did. A cheerful message. Hopeful wishes for my day.
I could see her staring into the parking lot trying not to make eye contact with me. Staggeringly silent. Just waiting for me to get out.

I shuffled my body out of her car, and closed the door stepping up onto the sidewalk. Her car was gone as quickly as I figured it would be. Scattering the gravel on the street up as she drove away.

I used to be alive, I used to be living.
Now I'm just surviving.