my story

the beginning

standing there still as ever at the age of 7, I'm watching the only dad I've ever known holding one of my moms arms in the air as he rips the phone out of the other hand. he finally retrieves the phone, pushes her into the cabinet, and stomps the phone into the ground. sirens, I hear cops, I'm so scared tears are rushing down mt face. I hear a knock at the door and answer it to an officer, "is Jackson McKnight here?'

" yes sir, that's my daddy, he's in the kitchen" I say as I tremble

after I get the crushed phone out of the garbage for the kind officers, my mom takes me upstairs to my room. that's the first thing of my life I remember. my very first memory is of violence, but that's just where it starts. there is much more to the story of my life. however, this is just the beginning. even after that traumatic event I was, for the most part, a delightful child.

I was in the first grade when I started being bullied. my mom has always told me its because everyone was jealous of my blue eyes, freckles, and extra long fiery red hair. they called me things like "different" "weirdo" and "ginger"

Edward and I rode the same bus when I was a first grader and he was in at least sixth grade. every day as I was getting off the bus to go home he would put his leg out in the aisle and when I would get close enough, he would put his hand on my back and push me to the ground.

Steve, he was my best friend. we grew up in church, that means I can trust him right? WRONG!! he was my best friend of at least three years. he was a friend, a brother, someone I could count on, my ride or die, my shoulder to cry on, and everything I could ever ask for. I loved him so much and a part of me still does. I feel like he's the last person I should ever think about again in my life, but here is the story. I was in a youth group at church Wednesday February 2nd 2015 the church I grew up in, the church I trusted. I had to go to the bathroom and they let me go but here's a twist that very night was the night that they removed the buddy system at the church so I couldn't take anyone with me. I went downstairs to go to the bathroom, and a few minutes later I heard the bathroom door close from inside the stall and Steve's voice asking if I'm okay. then after I said yes he opened and closed the door making me think that he left. I came out of the stall and he forced himself on me and raped me. that's when everything in my life fell apart and I got diagnosed with anorexia.

I didn't tell anyone what Steve did to me for almost five months then I had to because I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't eating right or much at all to be honest and I wasn't taking care of myself at all so by the time I found out it was too late and I had already miscarried the baby. I'm not for sure but a part of me believes it would have been a boy so I named him Elijah Orlan Loranne. it was June 16th when I had finally went to the doctor after the rape and they told me that I had miscarried. the miscarriage was the worst thing I still to this day have ever been though.

almost all of my peers tormented me calling me names day in and day out. the only friends I had were Damián and Baxter. they were the ones that showed me true loyalty. in fact Baxter O'Neil was my first boyfriend. our relationship only lasted for a week because his dad said we weren't ready for a relationship. that started a mini rebellion. I stopped doing my school work and started failing all my classes. then a new girl came to my school when I was in the seventh grade. her name was Alianna.

when Alianna showed up my entire like took a turn for the worse. she introduced me to marijuana. we thought it was so cool to get high so we went to a field by her house and she had her friend Michael bring us some. her dad ordered us three pizzas so we would have leftovers for the coming days and we ate all of them because we were so high. at the time I believe we were only thirteen. the next day we woke up and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. these two days started two of my addictions. then came October 31st of 2016 I became addicted to the stinging sensation of cutting my skin with a blade.

after those days I quit smoking cigarettes. on my fourteenth birthday I met Tabitha and she became my best friend and my sister all at once. she bought me a pack of cigarettes for my birthday that year and held me while I cried because Jackson, the one that was supposed to be my dad ended up making an appearance. after that tabby and I became inseparable until I met her sister Amelia I thought I was in love, head over heels in love with Amelia. they then introduced me to Tylor and the second I saw him I didn't give my love for Amelia a second thought